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  #21  
Old 10-15-2011, 02:41 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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May I repeat my question from a couple of posts up? Obviously you don't owe me any answers, but I think this is important to figuring out this situation.
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  #22  
Old 10-15-2011, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
I guess I stay because the sex is so good. And its safer than having sex with a single guy with whom I might get too involved or who might hurt me.
Huh? Safer in what way? You are being used and have no freedom in this arrangement.

Wait a minute... I thought you don't really have sex with him, other than just giving him blow jobs while she watches? What is so good about the sex? I think you need some other sex partners!

I really don't see how you can possibly be happy or satisfied sexually and emotionally in this perplexing situation.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-15-2011 at 03:11 PM.
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  #23  
Old 10-15-2011, 04:02 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
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Its one of those things I guess. I don't get to have actual sex with him but we do other stuff that is always awesome.

We were actually supposed to hang out tonight and I texted her to confirm and they've Actually gone out of town! That's the last straw. How very inconsiderate. She could have taken two seconds to tell me that...and what if I hadn't asked? I would have ended up sitting at home alone tonight. Like I said, bitch.

And no, I've never asked for his number. I would say its pretty apparent that I am not allowed to have it.
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  #24  
Old 10-15-2011, 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
Its one of those things I guess. I don't get to have actual sex with him but we do other stuff that is always awesome.
I hope you don't mind my asking this, but does he bring you to orgasm or is it all about him? I'm still trying to figure out what is so awesome about only being allowed to do a few things with a man whom you are not allowed to call or talk to privately. I do hope that you were allowed to come when diddling around with him!

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Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
We were actually supposed to hang out tonight and I texted her to confirm and they've Actually gone out of town! That's the last straw. How very inconsiderate. She could have taken two seconds to tell me that...and what if I hadn't asked? I would have ended up sitting at home alone tonight. Like I said, bitch.

And no, I've never asked for his number. I would say its pretty apparent that I am not allowed to have it.
This is not a relationship. I hope it is obvious to you now. Please find the strength to end it. And it is definitely not polyamory. They have been using you for their own satisfaction with no regard for you as a person and a woman with feelings and desires of your own. You deserve better and can get better! Don't be afraid to end it. Close one door and another opens! And then do some serious work to build up your self-esteem so that you never let anyone walk all over you like this again!
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  #25  
Old 10-15-2011, 04:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
And no, I've never asked for his number. I would say its pretty apparent that I am not allowed to have it.
You're right -- she/they are being very inconsiderate. But you've gotta take some personal responsibility here. No one is a mind reader and even if your needs/desires seem obvious to you it will always be hit or miss as to whether or not they're fullfilled unless you speak up about them.

What could you possibly have to lose in this situation by just asking for the things you want, such as his contact information? What room do you have to complain about not having his number, or his dick, when you're not prepared to just ask him for it directly? At worst they could cut things off, and how much of a loss would that be when you're thinking about doing the same thing yourself? At least then their true colors would be revealed and you wouldn't have to wonder what the deal is anymore.

I don't say these things to try to help you fix this situation because I believe this situation is beyond helping -- you should leave. I say them to possibly help you deal with other situations in the future. Ask yourself what held you back from asserting yourself here... fear of confrontation, feeling like you don't deserve more, feeling like there was no way you would be listened to and that that was ok? It's not ok.

You *do* deserve more, but until you act as if you realize that by speaking up for yourself, people are going to continue to disregard your needs. People have a very hard time showing respect to someone who doesn't respect him or herself... it's just a sad fact of human nature.

Plus, one more thing about asking for what you want directly... people just may surprise you by giving it to you! Like I said above, people aren't mind readers and there's always a chance that they honestly just don't know how much you're hurting here and would change their behavior if they did. And if they don't, well, again, what do you have to lose? Serious question.
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  #26  
Old 10-15-2011, 05:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
I guess I stay because the sex is so good. And its safer than having sex with a single guy with whom I might get too involved or who might hurt me.
But they are hurting you...

What's wrong with getting "too" involved? How involved is too involved?

If you want a NSA arrangement, there are single guys who are more than willing to do that. More than otherwise, I'd say.
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me: Mags, 59, living with:
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  #27  
Old 10-15-2011, 05:48 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I hope you don't mind my asking this, but does he bring you to orgasm or is it all about him? I'm still trying to figure out what is so awesome about only being allowed to do a few things with a man whom you are not allowed to call or talk to privately. I do hope that you were allowed to come when diddling around with him!
Cindie, she said he's the first guy who ever made her cum. I can see why that would lead to attachment. He must have good oral and fingering skills...

But lots of guys do! Plus, you could get intercourse as well. My lovers always make sure I cum a bunch before getting their jollies. Well, my Os are a large part of their jollies.

Heh, I was with this young guy back in '09... the first time we went to have sex, he gave me one O. Then he got ready to put on a condom and I said, wait, I need another. So he gave me that and then I allowed intercourse.

Next time, he gave me 2 Os and went to put his dick in, and I said, wait... and I worked him over and he worked me over for a good half hr until *I* decided it was time to fuck. Afterwards, he was all, "Wow, that was INTENSE." He had a better O after prolonging the foreplay for a bit. I don't think he realized how that would be. Silly boy.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #28  
Old 10-15-2011, 07:01 PM
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Hi, I haven't read everything so if this is a repeat, then please excuse me...

You sound like their sex toy. What I am hearing is that you are disposable and replaceable. If you are okay with that then great, but if not then move on.

I was once this kind of toy to others. I shrugged it off and decided I was okay with it when really I wasn't. It was very damaging. I decided to always express my needs as confidently as I could and if I was sluffed off and ignored then I would move on. That proved to be very helpful...

Might I suggest that if you do move on that you write them a polite email expressing how it might be a good idea for them to next time let their sex partners know that they are a toy to them ahead of time so that they don't set people up? If they are swingers or are only interested in unicorns for sex then they should say so next time in order to be respectful enough to those they play with.

We have heard many unicorns come on here expressing the same kind of treatment from their couple. Really, if the couple wants a toy to play with they should be up front with this.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-15-2011 at 07:03 PM.
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  #29  
Old 10-15-2011, 07:22 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
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I definitely think I am a sex toy for them.

And you know what? That's all well and good...but it shouldn't mean I don't deserve any consideration at all. This is my basic issue with all "friends with benefits" relationships...it becomes all about the benefits and not at all about the friends part.

I told her I wasn't into it anymore and that I hoped they find someone to meet their needs. She didn't respond. I do wonder what she will tell him? Probably that I flipped out or didn't like it. I wish I could just tell him the truth and end things on a nice note but oh well.
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  #30  
Old 10-15-2011, 07:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Cindie, she said he's the first guy who ever made her cum. I can see why that would lead to attachment. He must have good oral and fingering skills...
Oh, yeah, sorry i forgot that part. Still, Cranberry, I would hazard a guess that it isn't really emotional attachment. It's just a lusty, sexual thing, centered on your physical desire for him. Why do I say that? Because would you really be emotionally attached to someone who treats you this way? Remember, it isn't just the wife that treats you like shit. He allows it, so he's just as much a culprit as she is. And you allow it, as Annabel wrote in her post above. You have subjected yourself to their shitty treatment and then you call her a bitch.

You know, back in June you came here and started a discussion thread. In it you said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
I am concerned that I might not be entering the relationship for the best reasons. I have a feeling that the reason I am so open now to something I wouldn't have considered before is that my personal life is lacking and I am vulnerable and lonely. My family has pretty much fallen apart recently and I had been feeling rather orphaned and alone and unwanted...this couple seems to be filling some of those voids but is that healthy?
People here cautioned you against getting involved when your life was falling apart. Someone said they feared you might become dependent. Others told you to stay aware and make sure you take care of yourself.

You also wrote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
Originally, it was supposed to just be sexual but we have gone beyond that.

I have been involved in a series of cold, meaningless sexual relationships with men who were uncaring and indifferent to me. Sadly, because of this, I was surprised when after our last encounter, they talked to me and hugged me. It felt so foreign...and good.
This makes me so sad, that your experiences have been so bereft of affection and caring that they hugged you and you thought that meant it was more than just sex. I hope you can see now that it wasn't.

Then in August, you started another thread where you expressed frustration with not being able to call him or have sex with him, and how controlling she was. They even had the audacity to ask that you not be with anyone else in exchange for the dubious title of "girlfriend," which turned out to mean nothing. You stated:
Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
She has asked me To go on dates with them and just with him, which hasn't happened yet . . . And if I am going to be not dating or banging anybody else, seems like they would step up to fill the positions . . . Is it possible that I am misunderstanding what "girlfriend" means? Maybe I assume it meant more...but do some people/couples in the poly community use that term for just an exclusive sexual partner?
You were confused. Just about everyone on that thread advised you to step up, stand up for yourself, ask questions of them to get clear on things, and to state what you want.

SourGirl said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
You will need to talk to them both directly and tell them your take on what polyamory is, and what you want out of the deal.

Also,..please remember, it is ok NOT to be negotiable on some things. When someone says to you, ' We don`t want you to have sex with other men.' Yet, you cant have sex with THAT man either, it is your REASONABLE RIGHT to state ; " I respect that you are not ready to share your husband in that way yet, however, I will share my body where I please. I will however, make sure to keep sex safe, and be true to all parties.'

You don`t have to 'ask' permission from anyone, to control your decisions about your own body.
You responded with "I don't want to be mistreated and won't tolerate it." Then later, your last post in that thread ended with "Done with poly." After that, you started another thread last month looking for advice on finding ways to heal from your past sexual abuse. You said you were "struggling and drowning here."

Quite frankly, it caught me by surprise that now, two months after you said you were "done with poly," you are still with these people. I had thought you ended it with them and were looking for some kind of therapy/support system to handle your traumatic past. I think you should be very concerned that you continued to accept what little crumbs they threw your way. You deserve so much more, sweetie!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
But lots of guys do! Plus, you could get intercourse as well. My lovers always make sure I cum a bunch before getting their jollies. Well, my Os are a large part of their jollies.
Yes, there are guys out there who are kind, caring, AND generous lovers. Just because this schmuck gave you your first orgasm doesn't mean he deserves an elevated place in your life, especially since he doesn't do anything else that's good and decent for you. He doesn't deserve you.

You need to work on YOU first. I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is walk away from these fuckers and find a supportive network of friends, take part in activities that boost your self-esteem, and see if you can find some type of counseling. Forget about sex and relationships for awhile, until you get your head back on straight. Sometimes you can find low-cost or free therapy through local agencies or churches. I had suggested you look into Al Anon and the Adult Survivors of Child Abuse organization. Please do something. Take a step in the right direction.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 10-15-2011 at 07:31 PM.
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