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  #71  
Old 10-11-2011, 11:42 PM
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I think you said you were raised in a Christian cult? I wonder how that affects all your sexual feelings?
Well, I was raised in a conservative evangelical home. I was involved in a few cult-like para-church organizations. Then, in 2009, I was in a cult, essentially. All of this really affected my views on sexuality. I also went to a very sex positive college for a year and half. So that had a big influence on me too. I'll have to do a more extensive blog post of some of that. it's a long story.

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Also, I don't understand how people can do kink play and not have sex.

Also, I don't understand how people can have a kink play partner and not consider themselves in a relationship. Kink play with one person, repeatedly, would seem to be so intimate, take lots of trust, and lead to strong feelings of closeness.
Well, for me, kink usually turns me on quite a bit. In fact, it's one of the only things that does. Since I've never had sex, it's easier for me to play and not have sex. I'm still annoyed by how Nurse wanted to play AND act like an item but still not have a "relationship" of any kind other than "friends." Total bullshit. I did develop a sense of intimacy with him and was sort of miffed when that seemed to freak him out.

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Wow, he sounds like a really unsafe play partner . Seems E and M knew what they were doing, taking their distance from him (are they women btw? are they included in the non-sexual play partner category or just friends?).
I probably don't need to make excuses for him...he does have knowledge of how to be a safe player, in fact he's the head DM for one of the most widely respected play spaces in my city. He, does, however, have a really bad habit of not dealing with his emotions and allowing that to come out in play rather than just talking about it. I guess he knows, he just chooses not to do it. And it's unpredictable too.... E and M are women and yeah, they're pretty smart. They are primarily friends. I've played a little with E. Nurse kept saying how badly they treated him after the break up but honestly, I'm more inclined to side with them. They're able to speak far more unbiasedly/unemotionally about it and given how poorly Nurse treated me, it's not much of a stretch to believe their stories.

I did take down my OKC profile. I figured OKC just doesn't work for me and that's ok. And I just had my nails painted. I hear those fake ones are a bitch to get off. I've had some good experiences, too, countering the bad ones. Beanstalk has been great, even though we decided just to be platonic. I had a fabulous, non-creepy experience on both of my dates with him.
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  #72  
Old 10-12-2011, 12:32 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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In other news, Nurse and I are no longer speaking. He had a couple of angry outbursts, including a scene where he neglected to tell me that he was furious at me but went ahead and beat the crap out of me any way.
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I probably don't need to make excuses for him...he does have knowledge of how to be a safe player, in fact he's the head DM for one of the most widely respected play spaces in my city. He, does, however, have a really bad habit of not dealing with his emotions and allowing that to come out in play rather than just talking about it. I guess he knows, he just chooses not to do it. And it's unpredictable too.... E and M are women and yeah, they're pretty smart. They are primarily friends. I've played a little with E. Nurse kept saying how badly they treated him after the break up but honestly, I'm more inclined to side with them. They're able to speak far more unbiasedly/unemotionally about it and given how poorly Nurse treated me, it's not much of a stretch to believe their stories.
Ray,

The description of the scene above where he beat you out of frustration is scary. That is not the action of a DM in control of himself. It is not the actions of a respected player in a respected dungeon. Dominants/tops have to know themselves better than the subs/bottoms they play with; they have to be willing to go inside and look at their own stuff, understand it, and figure out how to manage that in scenes. Everyone makes mistakes, it's true, and it's impossible (I believe) to know all about yourself. But your friends, E and M, have seen a pattern which indicates that playing with Nurse might be dangerous for you and possibly other people too. And by dangerous, I don't mean just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. An irresponsible dominant can really fuck up their subs on so many levels.

You've already figured this out. I just wanted to encourage you to hang on to that insight.
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  #73  
Old 10-12-2011, 07:14 PM
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Originally Posted by ray View Post
Well, I was raised in a conservative evangelical home. I was involved in a few cult-like para-church organizations. Then, in 2009, I was in a cult, essentially. All of this really affected my views on sexuality. I also went to a very sex positive college for a year and half. So that had a big influence on me too. I'll have to do a more extensive blog post of some of that. it's a long story.
Very interesting.

Oh Christians. I always get a kick out of the Christian denial of the flesh. Sex negative, often teetoalling and anti caffeine even.

Then those Catholics, who deny the flesh by self flagellating. LOL Flogging is its own fleshly rush.


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Well, for me, kink usually turns me on quite a bit. In fact, it's one of the only things that does. Since I've never had sex, it's easier for me to play and not have sex.
I guess. BTW, congrats on the hymen surgery.

So you do get turned on, but then go home and play with yourself instead of just shagging the play partner? I hope you find a sensitive lover into both!

Quote:
I'm still annoyed by how Nurse wanted to play AND act like an item but still not have a "relationship" of any kind other than "friends." Total bullshit. I did develop a sense of intimacy with him and was sort of miffed when that seemed to freak him out.
Yeah, he wasn't the right guy.


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I did take down my OKC profile. I figured OKC just doesn't work for me and that's ok.
I took a 2 month break because of several things that went badly, but I am back trying again.
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  #74  
Old 10-12-2011, 07:36 PM
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I probably don't need to make excuses for him...he does have knowledge of how to be a safe player, in fact he's the head DM for one of the most widely respected play spaces in my city. He, does, however, have a really bad habit of not dealing with his emotions and allowing that to come out in play rather than just talking about it.
What is a DM - Dungeon Master? Is this a position that he had to earn somehow or gets paid for? I would think that if people are staying away from him because he has problems managing his anger which then could lead to something dangerous, he shouldn't be in that position anymore. Can he be ousted somehow?
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  #75  
Old 10-15-2011, 02:07 AM
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What is a DM - Dungeon Master?
A DM is a dungeon monitor. They are security/assistants/firstaid etc at play parties. Mostly, they just observe and make sure everything happening is ok. They have the authority to stop a scene if they feel it's unsafe and they're available to help out if need be. I'm actually a DM or was, since I'm not really part of the community these days. In order to become one around here, you take a class and BAM, you're a DM.


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Can he be ousted somehow?
Unfortunately, I feel like my hands are tied. He's very popular in the community among people he hasn't dated. Everyone that he's dated can't seem to stand him and thinks he's a giant douche. He's also a real nurse so that lends him credibility. The community is highly political and he's been there a long time. I don't think any one would believe/listen/care enough to oust him. I don't have that kind of power. I'm pretty sure that if I tried, I'd probably be the one to take the hit, not him.

Obviously, that has led me to feel cynical about the community here given the kind of folks that are in "leadership."

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An irresponsible dominant can really fuck up their subs on so many levels.
This is terribly true. I do feel traumatized by what happened. The emotional wounds last far longer than the bruises.

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So you do get turned on, but then go home and play with yourself instead of just shagging the play partner? I hope you find a sensitive lover into both
Me too! I'm tired of blue balling myself.
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  #76  
Old 10-15-2011, 03:03 AM
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Me too! I'm tired of blue balling myself.
Yeah. I dated several guys, in 09 and last year, who called themselves subs or Doms. All the Doms seemed to just be guys with weird ideas about sex, we didnt do "kink" per se (BD or SM), but they needed sex in these precise, unorganic ways. Do this, do that, not like that, touch me here, not there, "you're my slut," blow me for an hour. One even started snapping photos of me without asking my permission!

It's very hard to find a sensitive Twue Dom.

At least the subs were nicer. But they couldnt fuck. The ones I dated also didnt enjoy a nice beating...

Bleh.
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  #77  
Old 10-15-2011, 03:47 AM
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I have wondered if it's better for kinksters to look for people who broadcast being a Dom, Sub, or whatever they're into, OR to take a chance with getting to know someone who considers themselves vanilla and just incorporate kinky stuff into the sex you have once there's a relationship established. I mean, given a choice between a relationship that is founded upon kinky sex, or a relationship that is founded on caring and healthy communication, to which kinky sex is added, I think I'd rather have the latter.

For example, I would not ID as kinky, nor go looking for partners in the BDSM community. I just consider myself someone who will take part in a few kink-ish things to keep sex spicy, but I highly doubt I'd ever find myself in a dungeon doing kinky shit in front of other people (I have thought about going just to watch, out of curiosity, though). That doesn't mean I only have missionary sex for ten minutes, though! Au contraire! Last lover I was with (very vanilla guy) a week ago, I asked him to slap me in the face and he did it a few times. It obviously was new to him and it was exciting to both of us. Last night while we were fucking and he was on top, he slapped me without being asked, and it was completely unexpected for me! I got so turned on.

So, Ray, I guess my point is don't limit yourself in dating and relationships. Vanillas can be trained.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 03:54 AM.
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  #78  
Old 10-15-2011, 04:24 AM
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You know, Indie, I recently decided to try and find me a nice, nilla boy. I figured I can educate him about what I like, just like any one should do when they find a new sex partner. I had been hoping that Beanstalk would work out but that experienced helped me realize that I actually felt really good about dating guys outside of the kink community proper. When I get involved, I've decided that I want a boyfriend with a capital B. It seems to be where I've wanted every relationship to go and it's never gone and I'm tired of it. I want some one to be really into me. For right now, I feel good being single but I feel like I'm finally able to say what I want without feeling bad about it.

@Magdlyn, I, too, have met a lot of kinky guys that were a bit off... Control issues... all kinds of stuff. I am super curious to check out different kink communities and see if I have better luck in another place. I've also come to terms with the fact that I have a very rewarding life outside of the kink community and for now my time is better invested there.
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Old 11-05-2011, 03:38 AM
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Oh my, today has been a bit rough. I got demoted at work. I felt a bit ambushed as I never got feedback on the issues so that I could attempt to fix it. I teach computer lessons and work on the sales floor. Apparently some customers had complained about their lessons over the last few months but I was never notified or anything. Then this morning, I'm handed a paper with a list of customer complaints dating back a couple of months. I'd switched operating systems at home right around the time I'd gotten the job so it had been tough to stay up to date on new software and practice stuff. In addition, there were multiple occasions where I asked for additional training and was blown off. So, I'm hurt and upset. I'm also looking for a new job since I don't really feel like I can trust my bosses after they spent a couple of months compiling reasons to demote me without ever giving me a chance to respond to feedback.

On a more positive note, I turned in my first grad school application. I've got two more due later. Let's hope I get in somewhere! It's such a nerve-wracking process, wondering if you'll get in and all that business. I feel hopeful but I don't want to be too disappointed if I don't get in. If I don't, then I'll work for a year and reapply. With the field I'm applying to, work experience is fairly important so that would probably due the trick. It's really the only major weak spot in my application. It's crazy to think about moving across the country or where ever. Part of me feels ready to move on and part of me really loves it here. I've applied to the school I already attend, so I might end up stay. It does, however, definitely feel good to start moving on with life. I'm graduating in May (finally!).

I've been turning down guys to date lately. For one thing, I'm way busy with school until the end of the semester and after Beanstalk, I have a better idea of the chemistry level I want in guys I continue dating. I still can't get Beanstalk off my mind. Even when I try not to I still end up thinking about him a lot. Feel free to chime in with opinions on this one. So initially, we decided to keep it platonic because

1) He's 36, I'm 22.
2) He's about a year out of a divorce (10 yr relationship)
3) He lives across the street

We're still in touch and hang out on occasion but I have such a tough time focusing because all I want to do is cuddle up and kiss him. Not only do I desperately want to jump his bones, but he seems to be a pretty decent human being and we have quite a bit in common.
Part of me wants to ask him if he'd reconsider and part of me worries that it couldn't possibly be a good idea. I know that the worst he can say is no but I'm feeling rather sensitive these days to rejection so I'm not sure I want to open myself up to that.

In the meanwhile, to keep myself occupied, I keep fantasizing about a professor of mine He's older and has that dominating aura that I find so sexy. He's older ie 50 and married so it's not something I would ever bring to reality but it sure is fun to think about. Does that make me a total lecher? lol It's actually a really great graduate seminar thing and I'm learning a lot, sexual fantasies aside.

I'm still on hiatus from kink after the scene with Nurse. I haven't even gotten back on fetlife although I do follow lots of kinky people on twitter. Just has less drama than fetlife right now. I also want to feel in control of people sexualizing me. I am starting to feel better sexualizing myself in fantasies but I'm not feeling that comfortable with others doing it. Although....Beanstalk might be an exception if he were willing. I realized that I want sex and love to be connected so I'm going to wait until I get into a mono relationship to try the things I consider 'sexual.' I define it broadly because to me spanking is sex just as much as intercourse or any other form. Or a few other kinky things as well. Some kinks, while I enjoy them, aren't necessarily all that sexual for me. Such as suspension bondage or electricity or interrogation. Certainly they could be, but they don't have to be.

This next month will be intense. I've got lots of writing to do which means lots of reading as well since it's research stuff. I feel like I'm almost at the tippy top a rollercoaster and in a few breaths I'm going to be free falling and screaming at the top of my lungs, waiting to hit the bottom of the curve. I'm excited for the future though. It feels good to be making decisions and getting things done.
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  #80  
Old 11-06-2011, 06:27 PM
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Interrogation!!??? My lordy, people interrogate each other for sexual kicks? Geez, that would feel like torture for me, and not good torture. Wow, LOL.

Anyway, it sounds very healthy and positive how you are asserting yourself and taking the reins in expressing your sexuality and how you want to be in relationships. Good for you. And all the best with your grad school applications! My cousin just got her doctorate after many years of grad school and I am so excited for her (she's a biologist). And my sister just started grad school for computer programming. It is such an accomplishment -- and a commendable goal.
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