Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #61  
Old 10-30-2009, 11:39 PM
Sunshinegrl's Avatar
Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 227
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
re's a huge piece of this dynamic that people are missing yet still judging on. It seems that trying to create an equal triad is placing a lot of strain on the relationship and it seems that forcing this relationship into that specific structure is causing a lot of pain for Violet and probably for the other members too. This is not the same as fighting for the rights of the third.
WELL DUH.

I think that TRUE equality in any relationship... not just triads, quads, V's etc, is impossible. Even Fairness is over rated. What it is that it seems to work best is Balance. Everyone having as much of their needs met as possible and A general happiness that comes with it.
__________________
I don’t get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~
Reply With Quote
  #62  
Old 10-30-2009, 11:58 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl View Post
WELL DUH.

I think that TRUE equality in any relationship... not just triads, quads, V's etc, is impossible. Even Fairness is over rated. What it is that it seems to work best is Balance. Everyone having as much of their needs met as possible and A general happiness that comes with it.
I'm not exactly sure what your problem is with me, but feel free to take up over PM. I suspect anything I say would be met with a similar tone. It's interesting that I and others have made this very point repeatedly in this thread and in others and now finally you say something like "WELL DUH" as if this is a point that doesn't even need to be said. It certainly seems that a lot of these threads wouldn't even be necessary if this was a "duh" point with people. ::shrug::


As for your other point, I agree entirely, as you would see from this thread:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...?t=1024&page=3

Where just this morning I said this very thing:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I like the idea of that kind of natural geometry you speak of. People change and their needs change throughout a relationship..sometimes from day to day and sometimes over many years. The relationships that thrive (poly and mono) are the ones who's shape can shift and change with the needs of the people in it.

It reminds me of one of the major principles of balance in the Yoga that I practice. Basically, in my practice when we do balance poses, one thing that we must first accept is that true balance and equilibrium do not exist in our reality but only as a compass for us as we seek balance out. When in balance poses, it's not about attaining the balance, but in allowing our intelligent bodies to shift and adjust to the changing imbalances. If you stiffen up and try to hold the pose, you fall. If you shift and wobble as your balance shifts, you're more able to hold your pose.

That is one element I've seen in all successful relationships, regardless of their geometry.
Reply With Quote
  #63  
Old 10-31-2009, 12:19 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl View Post
WELL DUH.

I think that TRUE equality in any relationship... not just triads, quads, V's etc, is impossible. Even Fairness is over rated. What it is that it seems to work best is Balance. Everyone having as much of their needs met as possible and A general happiness that comes with it.
I totally agree. Thanks sunshine. I was a bit stuck and uncomfortable with the terms "equality" and "even." I think that balancing everyones needs is what we strive to do in order to all be happy.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #64  
Old 10-31-2009, 12:32 AM
Sunshinegrl's Avatar
Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 227
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I'm not exactly sure what your problem is with me, but feel free to take up over PM. I suspect anything I say would be met with a similar tone. It's interesting that I and others have made this very point repeatedly in this thread and in others and now finally you say something like "WELL DUH" as if this is a point that doesn't even need to be said. It certainly seems that a lot of these threads wouldn't even be necessary if this was a "duh" point with people. ::shrug::


As for your other point, I agree entirely, as you would see from this thread:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...?t=1024&page=3

Where just this morning I said this very thing:
Funny, Because that basicly what I have been saying also. Even going so far to offer solutions to the meet the need for Equality/balance. And I Also said back on page 1, that what was sort after was balance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl View Post
Perhaps a Balance is what you striving for. Things should be balanced. That all involed should have balance. I don't think that Things like taking off wedding rings.. A rg is a sign of commitment. Sure its fair for you to be married... You and HMA made the Choice to make that Commitment. Should you decide to make a simmilar/equivelant commitment to Anne in the future then Perhaps you can wear another ring or item to signify that? Seems fair to me.

In the grand scheme of things Vi asked about the NEED/Requirement to take off her ring. Whether it was fair to her that HMA assumed she would /or had too. And about if it was unreasonable when seeking Equality within the triad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by violet View Post
Triad Equality

So, someone tell me if I'm waaaaaaay off base here. HMA and I had a conversation last night about a “truly equal” triad. And I'm having a really, really hard time getting my head around it all. I think I just need to rant for a minute to help get my head on straight.

The big point of contention was marriage. HMA and I have been engaged since roughly March of this year, and are planning our wedding for September. We had kicked around some hypothetical ideas for practicalities sake (ie, our third whether it be Anne or someone else and I getting married, etc.), but after a LOT of thought, I decided that based on personal values, and based on how much marriage means to me, that I'm not willing to give up being HMA's wife. It's too important to me .

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli
I like the idea of that kind of natural geometry you speak of. People change and their needs change throughout a relationship..sometimes from day to day and sometimes over many years. The relationships that thrive (poly and mono) are the ones who's shape can shift and change with the needs of the people in it.
This I agree with 100% . I wouldnt be in this type of relationship if We were not able to shift and change. So Amazingly. Something we actually agree on.

And I Only have one issue with you..Which I am happy to share right here. The fact that you seem to think that you are the be all and end all of the rules and regulations in regards to being a third . Until that post quoted above you seemed to have no understanding of the need to be flexible and sometimes even unequal to achieve happiness. As I have pointed out before. NOTHING is ever truly equal or fair. EVER. You simply learn to work with it to make it work for you. Balance.

I will also say that What RP had to say before was also the perspective I have of you from the posts I have read of yours on this forum. I dont know you In RL. But from what I have known of you that you have posted here it seemed pretty spot on. JMO. Weather you agree with it or not it seemed to be a fair assumption based on the perception you give in your posts.I truly hope that you find a relationship ( primary/triad/mono whatever) that works for you and that you are happy and all that jazz.
__________________
I don’t get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~
Reply With Quote
  #65  
Old 10-31-2009, 12:38 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl View Post
And I Only have one issue with you..Which I am happy to share right here. The fact that you seem to think that you are the be all and end all of the rules and regulations in regards to being a third . Until that post quoted above you seemed to have no understanding of the need to be flexible and sometimes even unequal to achieve happiness. As I have pointed out before. NOTHING is ever truly equal or fair. EVER. You simply learn to work with it to make it work for you. Balance.
::shrug:: If that's what you see then I doubt anything I say will be regarded as otherwise. I've never said that there must be equality or that things MUST be equal or fair. And I've never claimed to be an end-all be-all expert. I am, however, not shy about giving my perspective from that point of view and raising issues from my point of view. If that bothers you, feel free to disregard. But really, this contrarian crap is getting a bit old. Half the time you were lambasting into me, we were actually agreeing. But hey, clearly you have made your decision about everything I say. Fair enough.
Reply With Quote
  #66  
Old 10-31-2009, 12:52 AM
Sunshinegrl's Avatar
Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 227
Default

I guess thats it. Thanx.
__________________
I don’t get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~
Reply With Quote
  #67  
Old 10-31-2009, 01:19 AM
greenearthal's Avatar
greenearthal greenearthal is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 208
Default

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
__________________
me n the band, singin our song
Reply With Quote
  #68  
Old 10-31-2009, 01:21 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by greenearthal View Post
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Alex, you rock
Reply With Quote
  #69  
Old 10-31-2009, 01:24 AM
greenearthal's Avatar
greenearthal greenearthal is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 208
Default

*bow* Thank you.

*throws a chair*
__________________
me n the band, singin our song
Reply With Quote
  #70  
Old 10-31-2009, 04:28 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

ima chillin
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:49 PM.