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  #11  
Old 10-13-2011, 07:36 PM
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River River is offline
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Originally Posted by Iloveyoutwo View Post
His marriage is void of all physical affection and emotional closeness. [....] She has made it perfectly clear that she would leave if he were to do that.
This man looks to me more like a hostage than a husband. His unwillingess to extricate himself from this hostage situation (in which the jail door is left unlocked and no guard is posted) raises serious red flags for me. He may be in many ways a wonderful and beautiful man, but he does not seem to be very good to himself. And being good to one's self is crucial in all loving relationships with others.

Because he needs a fire under his ass, Iloveyoutwo, you have one under your own. I don't envy your hot seat.
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  #12  
Old 10-13-2011, 08:21 PM
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I don't envy your hot seat either and would not choose it for myself. I also wonder what is going on for her. This is a very one sided story. I don't trust one sided stories. I would want to know for myself and see for myself how she is and empathize with her. I see no empathy for her AT ALL. His word on it would just not be good enough for me.
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  #13  
Old 10-13-2011, 09:09 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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How do you know you're not just one of the many women he lies to?
Bingo. As a past cheater I can testify that I was lying to everyone involved. Don't tarnish yourself or your life with enabling someone to take the low road. If he's resourceful enough to pull off an affair, he's resourceful enough to be above board in getting his needs met.

Affairs are sometimes for the lost and desperate, but often they are just for the lazy. I agree that you could help light a fire under his ass about dealing with his relationship...but engaging in a dishonest and uncaring act is not the path I would recommend.
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  #14  
Old 10-13-2011, 09:49 PM
twotigers twotigers is offline
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My perspective is a bit different: I'd examine the stated intent, then check on follow through before branding someone a liar. Should I ever find myself in this man's situatupion, and I felt the need to cheat, everyone would know my intent. I would so totally own what I'm doing.

To the wife "I'm not sharing any aspect or information of my life in this regard. You show no interest in it, so make of that what you will." And follow through. Refuse to discuss it with her. She is not entitled to know.

To my prospective outsidevrelationships: "this is my stuation. I will not end my marriage for x reason. I have these boundaries in my marriage that I think will impinge upon our relationship in this manner. Here is what I can offer, and what I'm hoping for." And then follow through...

If I stick to my intent with my actions, at least I've mantained my personal integrity with myself, even if others might disapprove. And yes, it's not poly. Where is the multiple loves?

You'll should do what is correct for yourself and actively decide what works for your relationship. It doesn't sound like your BF is in a space where he can do the same, unfortunately.

Best wishes,
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  #15  
Old 10-13-2011, 09:56 PM
Iloveyoutwo Iloveyoutwo is offline
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Default The long response.

I may have to do this in several part as it is long. My apologies.


@redpepper: Yes, he does feel guilty for the reasons you mentioned. And she has also broken his trust, faith and commitment to him. Iím a firm believer it takes two to make a relationship work and it takes two to really muck it up. The thing is, he IS listening to his gut. He has withdrawn all sexual affection with me.

Agreed, the marriage he is in is over. And yes, he is too chicken shit to consider some other options besides just sticking around and putting up with the misery.

He has attempted in the past to get her to go to counseling, with or without him, but she has refused.

@nycindie: His reasons for staying, in his words, are the kids. His wife has said she would leave if she found out he had a sexual relationship with someone. She would leave and go back to Japan as she has nothing else keeping her here in the US, and either take the kids or leave them with him. He wants neither of those things. He wants his children to have both their parents around.

I would like to gently encourage him to consider other options and the damage that his marriage may be causing his kids, etc. And of course I do not want nor need him to leave her for my sake. I want him to be happy, simply for his sake.

My husband has made attempts to be a friend to my bf. They share a similar hobby and my husband actually lent him stuff to encourage him to get back into the hobby. Unfortunately, my bf has extreme tunnel vision right now with regard to some work stuff and this is also a problem.

@TruckerPete: I agree that sometimes cheating is the least evil thing to do. In this particular situation the separation, if they split, wouldnít be miles, but literally continents. His unhappiness is not benefiting his family in anyway. I was hopeful in the beginning that the happiness he was gaining from our relationship would rub off on his family life. I even prepared myself for the possibility that things would eventually reconcile with he and his wife and he would not longer be able to be in romantic relationship with me. But, thus far, there does no appear to be any kind of rekindling of feelings between he and his wife, sadly.

I didnít indicate anything about the children earlier, but I will touch on it here a bit. Due to the Japanese culture, wife/mother is extremely controlling and I often hear about the battles between her and the older child and the general tension between mother and child. So, I believe the children are suffering but they may whether their parents are married or not.
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  #16  
Old 10-13-2011, 09:57 PM
Iloveyoutwo Iloveyoutwo is offline
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Default Part 2

@nycindie: I believe you have possibly got the mark right with regard to the wife stating sheís opposed to him finding intimacy elsewhere, but may, in fact be accepting of not knowing about it. My research into the Japanese marital culture would indicate this is a common phenomenon. So, yes, there is that possibility. I just wish my bf could consider that and look into it as well.

And I have definitely learned the ďnever say neverĒ mantra. Oi vay!

@dingedheart: I met this man at work last fall, so about a year ago. We became good friends as coworkers in February. By late March I knew I had fallen, and fallen HARD for him. We did not discover, confess, our mutual feelings for each other until May. So, five months.

Yes, the decks have been cleared for my husband. He has fallen for a friend of mine and I find it adorable. They are not officially dating yet, but they have spent time together and Iím not experiencing the green-eyed monster. Iím having too much fun seeing the spark in my husbandís eyes. Even if things donít work out with me and my boyfriend I would not want my husband to stop pursuing this other relationship.

@GroundedSpirit: Thank you. I appreciated your response. I never thought of myself as a risk taker in this regard but I feel that there is hope for something better if I stay in this relationship. Better for him. Only time will tell.

@rory: My empathy may indeed run out at some point. My patience may run out at some point. All very real possibilities. Right now Iím being very patient, but I make no guarantees that I can be infinitely patient. Iíve not had even the slightest inclination to think he would be cheating on me. As Iíve mentioned, he canít even bring himself to completely cheat WITH me.
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  #17  
Old 10-13-2011, 09:58 PM
Iloveyoutwo Iloveyoutwo is offline
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Default Part 3

@River: Sadly, I agree with your remark about my bf being a hostage (a willing one) rather than a husband. And yes, his actions and words indicate that his self-esteem and self-worth are extremely low, which could end up being the ultimate cause of the failure of the relationship. I am a firm believer that one must truly love themselves in order to genuinely love another. If he canít come around on that score I canít be anything more than a casual friend. Again, one day at a time right now.

@redpepper: I donít know if it would count as ďempathyĒ but my bf excuses his wifeís behavior by saying it is cultural and he just needs to learn to live with it. I donít believe that just because something is cultural it is necessarily good and right. Iíve actually stood up for her to him a couple times even though Iíve only met the woman once for about 30 seconds. She is extremely shy. Of course itís one sided. I canít call her up and say, ďHi there. Iím in a close relationship with your husband and I want to know what fell apart in your marriage and how we might work to fix it.Ē Unfortunately.
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  #18  
Old 10-13-2011, 10:21 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iloveyoutwo View Post
His reasons for staying, in his words, are the kids. His wife has said she would leave if she found out he had a sexual relationship with someone. She would leave and go back to Japan as she has nothing else keeping her here in the US, and either take the kids or leave them with him. He wants neither of those things. He wants his children to have both their parents around.
If she did take the kids out of the country, she could be charged with kidnapping and there is legal action he could take to prevent that. That she can only see kidnapping or abandonment of her kids as her only course of action is extremely disturbing.
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  #19  
Old 10-13-2011, 10:47 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Iloveyoutwo, welcome to the board. I've had experience with a similar scenario on the past, and am currently struggling with the temptation again. I will share them here, hoping you can somehow learn something from them.

Back when my ex and I split (after 30 years), I knew I wanted to be poly, but didnt have it all figured out yet. I met a guy on ok cupid in a long term sexless marriage. He fell in love with me, and I felt fondly towards him. It was never "in love" for me, but love as I'd love a good friend.

His wife had bad physical and mental illnesses which made her reclusive and unable to work, in the home or outside of it. They had a teen son with the same mental illness. J's job and his insurance were needed for her medical care. She was off sex... they had a vanilla quickie, where she laid there like a dead fish, about twice a year. Besides being ill, she was also a bitch, he'd tell me the horrible ways she treated him. He'd have been much better off without her, but cared enough to stay so she could have health insurance.

After a couple of months and hours of IMing, I met with him. We had a friendship for 2 years and had sex a handful of times. J was also bisexual and since I am, that was another bond. We even went to a nudist camp together the last time we met. It was a lifelong dream of his, and it took him a year to convince me to go (but I loved it!).

After 2 years, a handful of meetings and hundreds of hours of great supportive talks about jobs and kids and all kinds of stuff, we finally broke it off. I feel I did bring some joy and beauty into a life that was rather dark and sad. He could be himself around me! However, since I am a positive actualized person, I gradually felt brought down by his sad homelife, and his feelings he was powerless to change things.
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  #20  
Old 10-13-2011, 10:48 PM
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It sounds like his first step is to get a lawyer and find out his rights in all of this. The kids will have a hard time, for sure, but from what I know they have a harder time when later in life they find out that their miserable childhood's were because of their parents hatred for one another and insistence that they stay together for them.

I have heard that kids from happy divorced parents are generally better off than those that grew up in a miserable household. Actually, to go along with that; I have heard that kids need solid committed adults in their lives regardless of who they are. Someone that will keep them on task, talk with them and nurture them with love... That's it. They will likely be better off if they were not together.
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