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  #11  
Old 10-30-2009, 12:25 AM
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There are many advantages to writing out your frustrations and fears.1) The reader can imagine the tone at which the words are said(removing the condensending or angry ones) 2) the reader can reread the words as many times as needed in order to understand them fully.3) the reader can stop and then return when they are more able to process the info.

The other side of the coin
1) The conversation takes longer to get to a completion.2)If some thoughts are just NOT clear its not easy to move forward till you get clarification.

Im sure there are other pluses and minus but the main point is to communicate.

I have decided (and been doing) to use the vast amount of support thats available to me. Im not going to stop talking to LR but I think its only fair to not put it all on her.Besides its helping me learn some humilaty. Opening up to others is part of my growing and for to long I have depended completely on LR for all that support.

Im facing one of my greatest fears head on.Ill let you know how it goes. Wish me luck
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  #12  
Old 10-30-2009, 06:37 AM
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I'm still going with what I originally thought you could try. That is to catch each other in the moment and re-shape (to use a Monoism ) the words that the person has said into ones that don't trigger so that you can hear them instead of being triggered and getting angry...

Last night I had a long conversation on the way home from our parenting class with my husband that lasted until 1 in the morning about some issues that came up. I was triggered because I felt as if he was brushing off my hard earned experience of something because he thought he was right... I in turn triggered him because I blew up and stormed off....he was confused and hurt and I was hurt and felt disrespected.

We never figured out how to solve this complicated dynamic that has been going on for years, but after telling him what I wanted to hear and after exploring why I get triggered (comes from a mum who told me and everyone else when I was a child that I couldn't do things because I wasn't very bright) we at least came to the agreement that we would try to acknowledge in the moment that we are triggered so we can change course and explore that in the moment.... then we went on to say that we would ask each other if we are triggered and gave each other the words we needed to hear in order to make sure that the experience didn't get out of hand. For example, I would prefer he say, "could it be that you are feeling triggered" rather than "you are being triggered, I think we should stop and look at it." The latter would make me more angry as it would sound like he is telling me what I should do.

Does this make sense?
It totally works for us and is a skill we learned at a communication course we went to before we got married... hope you get something out of it too.
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  #13  
Old 10-30-2009, 06:39 AM
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A bit off topic, but I promised you some book titles Maca of books that changed my husbands life in terms of his self view.

Marsha Sinetar-living happily ever after.
Nathaniel Brandon-the six pillars of self-esteem

He dug them up for me last night when I told them about your situation.
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  #14  
Old 10-30-2009, 09:50 PM
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AWESOME!
I'm making a list for my trip to the bookstore-I'll add 'em to the list!!
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  #15  
Old 10-31-2009, 12:24 AM
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Thanks for the book suggestions RP.LR couldnt find them at the book store near where we live so she is going to order them online.

The triggering communication talk makes sense and as you stated the opening lines to that communication are the most important.( so as to not further an argument) Ill give it a try and let you know how it works. Thanks RP.
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