Sunshine's Angel & Journey into Poly
A brief update on where things are and who we are.
Me - "Angel" bisexual female, almost 40 who is married to "S" who is a 43 yo straight male and "Sunshine" our 40 yo bisexual gf.
There is a looooong list of complications with this relationship that have a lot to do with where we are today in our relationship and where we're going to go.
Sunshine is a married female, who also has a long time gf. They have been slowly falling apart as a solid couple due to work and distance. Sunshine and her husband were having difficulties, and S (my husband) happens to be a good listener and a "tell it how it is" person. He and Sunshine began talking just as friends over a year ago (we've both known her, her husband and her gf for many many years) and he was a good support person for her. During this time, their relationship grew more into an emotional one and feelings developed on both sides.
S and I had tried poly before. Made a few mistakes, but were not ready to give up totally.
Sunshine has been a female that I have been attracted to for many years, but because she had a long time gf and they were in a committed relationship, I just remained as friends to both (I also am a good friend to her gf).
Are you confused yet? LOL
So Sunshine and S began to build a gf/bf relationship and Sunshine and I began to grow our friendship. She was at the point that her marriage was done and the discussion with us turned towards a possible triad-style relationship. I was ok with this, as was S. My husband did not want her to end her marriage, but rather work on repairing it. He stepped into the backlight for a few months and kept his time with her to a minimum and their talks were more based on helping her and her marriage (he's got a heart of gold and hates to see people unhappy).
Sunshine has decided to remain in her marriage and work things out. We were and are both happy for her/them. They are a great couple and have lots of love for each other. Just a few 'priorities' that need adjusting.
Now where are we?
Sunshine and I went out on a date last week and S joined us along with a dozen of our other close friends - some know about the three of us, some don't. We have not put it out in the open as of yet for some of the complicated reasons and her husband.
S had indicated that he would give us our space. I didn't think he'd be too far from her and I - and I was correct.
I got upset at the end of the evening when I had had enough of watching him making 'googly faces' at her and taking her attention. I will admit, I did handle it wrongly. I should have waited until he and I were home and then discussed it with him, but I tend to not do that (yeah, I've done it in the past - one of my things I'm working on) and well, makes for a tense drive home.
When we did discuss it and I told him that I did not feel it was "our date" but rather "his date", he told me that I was seeing what I wanted to see.
Sunshine sent an email the next day indicating that we needed to talk as she had some thoughts and concerns from the night prior. She commented that she felt like a piece of meat.
I began to think...
I was under the impression that "this" relationship between the three of us, was just that - a relationship with the three of us, a triad.
I asked S today how "this" relationship was in his eyes....was it a "you and her", a "her and I" and a "you and I" type relationship? His reply was that's what it's looking like. That was not what i expected.
I am not a good communicator by any means. I always fumble up my words, so for me I do my best talking 'online' where I can type it out and re-read it and make it make proper sense and not be 'mean' or rude. This is something i've been trying to work on a lot more since Sunshine and I began our journey into a relationship.
They talk everyday. Either he calls her on his morning break or they email back and forth. As a triad, in my opinion, when I ask him how his day was, I would like to think his conversations with her would be included in that. I have stopped asking him about his conversations with her, but rather let him tell me about them instead. I don't get anything from him When I push the issue, I get statements like "What do you want me to tell you word for word what we've talked about?! It was nothing important. If it was important or relevant I would tell you."
I have explained to him that during the beginning of this relationship, I may want to know the "ins and outs of a maggots a$$hole", but promised that as time passed, this will dimish. I did have jealousy issues with our previous attempt. Actually ended up with a nervous breakdown and went for the help I needed. I am no longer jealous (I don't think so), but still have the suspicions with everyone and anyone. Due to my abusive (parental) past and such, my self-confidence is not entirely perfect. This is something I now recognize and daily work at. So I didn't think my request was unfair.
I understand the NRE to a certain degree, but don't understand how it doesn't pour over into our relationship.
I have read this forum randomly, and did not see any other stories that resembled ours...
Any advice, tips, suggestions you care to offer - I'm all ears!!
I have asked S to read this forum as I think it would benefit him to see how triads work for others and see that what I am thinking and feeling and such is not all me and this is part of it all - he browsed once.
I don't know what to do next
Thanks for listening.
Me (Angel): almost 40 yr old bi female - married to S: 44 yr old straight male & Sunshine: 40 yr old bi female who is our shared gf