Ah, my crazy life.

I know I don't post here much, not often at all, really, I suppose. But I've got nowhere else to go really when I need advice.

I finally broke things off with my ex-wife Colette back in May, right around the time I got with my new gf Ariana. (That was what pushed it over the edge for Colette.) Colette and I didn't start off as poly, but here with Ariana, I thought there was a chance to get things off on the right foot from the get-go. When we first started talking, I made it clear that I was polyamorous and had a potential on again/off again thing with another girl, Tatiana, in a long-distance relationship. This was perfectly okay with Ariana, so we got along great.

The longer we were together, however, the less Ariana seemed okay with things. She'd get pissed when Tatiana would call me, or when I was talking to someone/looking at someone's profile on the net she would make passing comments on why this person wouldn't be a good fit, etc. Ariana, for her part, is admittedly bi-polar, and has a history of being abused mentally and physically, and she only recently started going back to the therapist. She's scheduled to see a psychiatrist about getting on meds soon.

A couple days ago though, she broke down because I said something to Colette. (We are no longer together at this point, but are still acquaintances-- we text.) Ariana considered what I said "inappropriate." I was speaking about my frustration with Ariana not finding a job, which admittedly was possibly out of line or none of Colette's business, but I really don't have many people to talk to. I had no intention of mentioning this conversation to Ariana, I was just venting to Colette in what I thought was private conversation. Ariana has my password to my yahoo account though, so she went through my message archive and found the conversation and read it because she "had a feeling I was talking about her (Ariana)" when I'd mentioned I was chatting with Colette.

During our ensuing fight, Ariana had decided to leave me, saying she "couldn't handle polyamory, or even the thought of another woman touching you or being with you the way I am at all." I had already agreed to put any potential relationships on hold until she got on some anti-anxiety meds, because it was too much for her, but before she even got on them, she has made this demand of me.

For my part, I potentially have borderline personality disorder (never been diagnosed, but fit most of the criteria). I am literally terrified to be alone. Ariana knows this. She breaks out the "either you are with me and me alone, or I am leaving." I beg her not to go. She's the closest to my ideal woman that I've ever had. She keeps on, and I keep lowering my asking price, until she agrees to stay and allow me to "occasionally have threesomes with her and a prostitute, as long as it isn't every month or something."

Sex is a big thing for me. Any relationship I am in will grow stagnant, in my eyes, if I am not allowed to explore sexual liaisons with others. I feel terrible, like I'm not in control of my own destiny anymore. I may "occasionally" have sex with others, but Ariana holds the keys on who, when, how often, etc. I feel like I'm dying, but I can't let her go because I'll be alone, again, and I'm still in the middle of a divorce and need her help and (if she can get a job) her financial assistance to have any chance of getting my kids back. Also, she's really good for me, in almost every way but this. We have nearly *everything* in common.

Wtf do I do? Any advice would be massively appreciated. I've got no idea where to turn at this point. Sorry this is super long, guys. Thanks.

(Sorry for the really quick edit, I'm at work, and I really really don't want her to see this, so I can't check it until Monday.)

That's a lot of issues coming to war with each other from all directions.

No advice other than paragraph breaks and write on one thing at a time. No one on here cares about length, but paragraph breaks help make it easier to read and understand. Best of luck.

Yeah, I realized the whole Wall o' Text tl;dr thing after I posted it. Sorry bout that herp derp on my part for sure

Darknyss said:

Yeah, I realized the whole Wall o' Text tl;dr thing after I posted it.

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You can edit posts up to 12 hours afterward, which means you can still edit it (click the "edit" button) and add para breaks. Doing so will make it so much easier to absorb what you wrote.

Advice: some people can't handle the stress of a poly relationship. (Mono relationships have their own stressors, too, of course, but we're not talking about that right now.) Your girlfriend has told you very clearly that she just can't handle being with you in a poly context. It looks like she gave it a good try and just can't deal. That's totally legit.

It's really sad. But it looks like you aren't compatible.

I know it's scary to be alone again. I'm so sorry about that.

You're almost 29, divorced, have a new girlfriend, and are "terrified" of being alone. Dude, really? Colette finally left because of Ariana, and you're worried about being alone? Either you found the only two women in the region that will date you, or you're not that hard to date. Not assuming the worst would be a start on the being-more-likeable.

As for Ariana, it sounds like you both have lots of baggage. The problem is no one seems to be facing up to the tough decisions. If you need to have multiple partners to be fulfilled, and she is not okay with that, then you need to man up and get out. This "a-prostitute-when-I-say-so" thing is controlling, probably a lie, and kind of creepy. The fact that she's willing to violate your trust and sneak around by hacking into your Yahoo account is not a healthy or stable sign. Your prison will never be more free than it is right now, and right now it sounds like you're already pretty locked down.

Accept your nature and hers. Move on.

I wouldn't be surprised if she came to you saying that she could do better and will try harder, but that's just the manipulation talking. Be comfortable with yourself as an individual, and you'll be a better partner in the future. But for now, reduce the amount of emo crazy in your daily life.

Hi there!

Darknyss said:

The longer we were together, however, the less she seemed okay with things. Ariana is admittedly bi-polar and has a history of being abused mentally and physically. She only recently started going back to the therapist.

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We often cannot imagine how things will feel until we experience them firsthand, especially if our ability to cope with things is hampered by existing conditions and/or past trauma.

Darknyss said:

Speaking to Colette about my frustration with Ariana not finding a job, which admittedly was possibly out of line or none of Colette's business, but I really don't have many people to talk to. Ariana and went through my message archive and found the conversation and read it because she "had a feeling I was talking about her" when I mentioned I was chatting with Colette.

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You mention that you depend on Ariana financially. This might not be a situation that allows a person with mental health issues to flourish. Why does she have the password? Is it a shared account? My partner could have my passwords to anything she liked, really, but she doesn't want to, because she values my privacy. For some reason, Ariana doesn't value yours. The polyamorous setting might be feeding into her paranoia, if that is one of the symptoms she suffers from.

Darknyss said:

I am potentially have borderline personality disorder (never been diagnosed, but fit most of the criteria) and I am terrified of being alone... I keep lowering my asking price until she agrees to stay and allow me to "occasionally have threesomes with her and a prostitute, as long as it isn't every month or something."

Sex is a big thing for me. Any relationship I am in will grow stagnant, in my eyes, if I am not allowed to explore sexual liaisons with others. I feel terrible, like I'm not in control of my own destiny anymore. I may "occasionally" have sex with others, but she holds the keys on who, when, how often, etc. I feel like I'm dying, but I can't let her go because I'll be alone again. I'm still in the middle of a divorce and need her help and (if she can get a job) her financial assistance to have any chance of getting my kids back.

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Several red flags here. IMHO, unless you are talking of consensual D/s, no coupleship should be viewed in terms of controlling the other person. You depend on her and feel there's a power imbalance, because you need her more than she needs you. You view your relationship in terms of bargaining, which is telling in itself.

There have been discussion on this board around mental health and polyamory, and why people with certain diagnoses might be more drawn to non-monogamy than others. An all-succumbing fear of being alone, combined with a need for promiscuity, is a sure recipe for disaster, be it in a poly, open or mono setting.

My advice would be to get yourself some therapy. Get a confirmation on your suspicions around the Borderline Personality thing. Work extensively on your issues with being alone, your view of sex and relationships, feelings of self-worth, etc.

Ariana might have borderline personality disorder, or you have totally set yourself up to be manipulated. Crying to her not to leave you because you will be lonely, and because you need her, could make her want to blackmail you, emotionally. She seems to be doing just that.

How do you find out for sure and make it stop? Get your own life back-- your own finances, your own place, your own friends and your own goals. Adding your children to this in terms of getting them back will likely add to her blackmail. Take her out of all equations except having dates and lighthearted chats and sex. Obviously she is not a good match as a partner who is your anchor in life. She seems to think that means ownership over you. So doesn't do things, say things and act in a manner that allows that to happen. Take control and be independent.

You will notice if she is manipulative and emotionally blackmailing you if she becomes angry that all of a sudden you are stepping out on your own to do things in your life that are your personal business. If she becomes whiney and revengeful, that would be a sign. If she uses ultimatums to get what she wants, that would be a sign. Don't play into it. Ignore and stay calm. The longer you hold out, the more she may just realize that you are not going to allow her to control you. That would be my guess, anyway.

Good luck!

I am sorry you and Ariana both suffer from mental illness. She is getting help for her condition. If you suspect you have borderline personality disorder, get yourself to a therapist and a psychiatrist, stat!

My daughter has BPD and it's a horrible disease. Borderlines usually have several diseases going at once: severe anxiety issues, low self-esteem, self harming, substance abuse, OCD, bipolar, ADHD, etc. It's a really tough mental state.

Perhaps some anti-anxiety meds/mood stabilizers and weekly therapy would help you learn to be a calmer person and a better partner.

My heart goes out to both of you.

Darknyss said:

I potentially have borderline personality disorder (never been diagnosed, but fit most of the criteria). I am terrified of being alone.

....

Wtf do I do? Any advice would be massively appreciated. I've got no idea where to turn at this point.

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For starters -- wow. For someone with a potential personality disorder to even admit the possibility that he has one -- you are more courageous than most.

You say any advice would be appreciated, so here's my 2 cents: get yourself evaluated. There is no reason to go around being miserable, when there is treatment available. I can't imagine you having anything right in your life until you get this addressed first.

Also, it is the human condition to be afraid to be alone. But you're not alone. You came to this forum, and here we all are.

It's so sad to think of someone being stuck with an emotionally manipulative partner because they can't handle being alone. I mean, would you stay with Ariana for the rest of your life in order to never be alone, or would you go behind her back to seek another potential romantic partner, who you could dump Ariana for, with no time gap in between?

Learning to make it alone can impart immeasurable benefits in terms of self-confidence and self-knowledge. Do you have any close friends with whom you could stay, who would be willing to give you extra support if you left Ariana? I know that's a lot to consider asking of a friend. I'm just trying to brainstorm solutions.

Wow, so many responses to reply back to. I've got my work cut out for me this morning, it seems. I shall give it the old college try, provided my boss doesn't come hounding me to actually do some work for a change, you know.

MichelleZed, it really is kind of looking like that to me sometimes, too. It just really startled and hurt me that she jumped into this so readily. And when I explained to her what polyamory was and what a good relationship could or should look like, she so readily agreed to it. Then to make a more or less complete reversal of the whole premise, well...

Sagency, I know that I can get dates with other women. I've had a decent amount of girlfriends, FWBs, etc., for a nerdy dude. It's just finding someone who's reasonably compatible that is the issue, or at least what it seems to be. They'll be interested in all my interests, but wouldn't touch a polyamorous relationship with a 10 ft. pole, or they are poly, but their interests and mine clash completely, or both things are good, but they have some vastly annoying habit, or mental issue, or something. It's always something!

I agree that the "only-when-I-say-so" thing is controlling, as is the Big Girlfriend is Watching You issue. It wouldn't be out of the norm at all for a mono relationship, but I heard a poly person say once: "When you (monogamous person) block my exit, the only thing I want is the exit." That stuck with me, as it's often how I feel. You can love me and care for me as I will for you, but you cannot own me. I own me, no one else.

By the way, were the prostitutes the creepy part of that? If so, why are they creepy, in particular? As long as things like safer sex are practiced, and you at least do some research, I'd imagine the risks are no worse than your average hookup at a local bar or what have you. (Note: I'm probably talking out of my ass, I don't drink, or go to bars.) I will try to reduce the amount of crazy, though. This is a rough spot to do it from right now, but hopefully soon things will be better.

BlackUnicorn, I totally agree with the first part. No one can really know how poly is gonna strike them till they experience it firsthand, and this was her first exposure to the idea in a bf/gf context.

Depending on her financially might be a little strongly worded. I need her help right now because of the divorce with Colette, and trying to get my kids back, and make it look like things are reasonably stable at my house. Were it not for all the extra issues going on, I could take care of myself and my kids. I have a job. I make a decent enough salary, I suppose, for this area. I'm not a bum, depending on her for everything. I go out to work every day. I'm not trying to be defensive. I just don't want you guys to get this idea that I'm like, "Sure girl, you can move in. Now, pay all my bills for me and let me sit back and watch TV!"

I gave her my password because we were playing a Facebook game together. Nearly all my passwords are the same and she needed to log into my FB account to help her on the game, and I was being lazy at that second. So I was like "Sure, here's my password. No big deal. It's not like you're gonna use it to spy on me, or anything like that, right?" Oops.

She makes it a big deal that I have always had her passwords to her accounts, and could look at anything I liked in them, whether good or bad, about me or not. I don't though, because I don't really want to see what she's saying about me, if she is. It's just an added source of stress I don't need. I've seen a few of her messages left up when I got home. She was complaining about me, saying, "I don't know if I can do this anymore..." to a friend of hers, when she was telling me the day before that things were great and we'd find a way to make things work. It bothered me some, but it wasn't world ending. I just thought it would be better to not know.

On the last bit, maybe I just haven't had the right kind of relationships yet, but aren't all relationships based on one controlling the other, or swapping up for the driver's seat at times? In monogamy, it tends to be the whole "If you sleep with anyone else, I will leave you!" that I know so well. With someone else, it might be "If you can't get/keep a job, I'll leave you!" Any number of factors, but all leading to the same end of path. Do what I say, or I'm gone.

The therapy thing, I've said I'm gonna go, and then I make plans to do so, and then there's a million reasons why I can't, one being that Google tells me there really is no cure for those with BPD. There's some help, sure, something along the lines of exposure therapy for people with phobias like, "Go and be alone, for longer and longer time periods until you're cured!" When I hear that, it's kinda funny. Take out the alone bit, and replace the issue with being burned by a fire. "Go and expose yourself to hotter fire for longer periods of time, until you are immune to fire!" Sorry. I really think I am funnier in my own head.

A note to everyone-- don't take my silliness as that I'm disregarding your advice or that I don't appreciate it. I do. I just... I dunno, I tend to act silly when serious subjects are invoked. Easier to work with, I guess.

Redpepper, I could totally see Ariana doing the blackmail thing. She outright said (when we were having one of our really big "I'm leaving you! No, please stay with me!" fights), "You have to consider, would you rather have all these outside people that are not going to stay with you forever, and are all going to leave, or break your heart, or the one person who will always be here for you, and love you with all her heart, and try her best to give you anything you want?" I was thinking, but could not say, "If you loved me, you would love all of me, and honor the terms set out in the beginning of this relationship, that we were not going to be exclusive partners, that our relationship would by necessity be of a polyamorous nature, etc." Probably best that I didn't. She would've walked out right then and there.

The rest of your advice is good as well. I'm just not sure how to even implement it. I have my own place. It's my house that she moved into, not the other way around. She was living about 1 1/2 hours away in a little one-bedroom apartment with herself, a friend, the guy that was actually renting the apartment, and her four kids. I was trying to help her out by having her living with me. I had plenty of room at my house that wasn't being used, and I got an excellent gf out of the deal. I thought that was a pretty cool win/win for both of us. So it'd be sort of hard to have my own place now, given that she's already here.

I have my own finances, but I just barely make enough to keep things afloat, and certainly not enough to hire a lawyer and pay for a divorce that's sure to be contested, with two kids' custody at stake. Colette will fight me tooth and nail, don't you doubt.

I tend to be a stay-at-home-and-play-video-games kinda guy in my off time, hence the lack of friends. So generally, whatever I'm doing, she's right there with me. I don't want her to control me, true, but life is a long lonely road when there's literally no one that you can talk to, share interests with, etc. Thanks for the well wishes, though.

Magdlyn, I hear ya. I have nearly all of those issues going, always have, as far back as I can remember, save the self-harming and substance abuse. Never had any issues with those two, at least. So mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety meds would make me be monogamous? I don't know, honestly. I'm just asking. I've never taken any psych meds, nor had any personal experience with those who have. If so, it might be something to bear in mind.

Carma, it's not courage. It's more that I just don't care, and wish there weren't so much wrong with me that I can't find the relationship I'm really looking for. I wish it was courage, then I could look all flashy for the ladies. "Why, hello there, sexy girls. I didn't notice you standing there!" *does muscle poses for 10 minutes*

Admittedly, I'm probably way out of my depth, but I've done bit of research on the treatment for BPD, and it seems like there really isn't much help to be had. That's why I walk around like, "Eh, onward. Nothing to be done about this..." I totally wish there were a magic pill that made all this, whatever it is, go away. Thank you for the vote of support. I guess talking to you guys and gals on the net is better than talking to no one at all.

AnnabelMore, I'm very, very conflicted on this issue. I've thought of both of those solutions, and what they would mean for my life. They both lean towards me being mostly unhappy for all of my life, but I'm beginning to wonder if everyone isn't unhappy and just grins and bears it as best they can. Maybe that's just the way things are supposed to work...?

Unfortunately, I have no friends, much less close ones. I had some, a long time ago, but they're long gone with the fading of high school days. Besides, this isn't something you could ask of a friend, I don't think. Not as a guy, anyway. I can say things to you people, because we're all just voices talking in the darkness between electrons. I couldn't talk about any of this to someone who knows me, and could use it against me later! I can hear the Simpson's Nelson's "HA-ha" laugh from here already at a guy who shows any weakness. This is the South, and all of us are supposed to be tough as nails and whatnot.

Everyone, thank you all for your replies, and advice, and for, well, giving a damn. It's appreciated, much.

If there are any edits needed to this post, please let me know. Since I'm not a regular, I don't know all the rules/common things that are necessary to make the post easy to read, and all.

Magdlyn, I hear ya. I have nearly all of those issues going, always have, as far back as I can remember, save the self harming and substance abuse. Never had any issues with those two, at least. So mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety meds would make me be monogamous?

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Haha, no. But being healthier in mind and spirit would help you relate better to people in general. My daughter has gotten lots of help for her condition over the past 2-3 years. And she seems much sicker than you, because of her substance-abuse issues, and ensuing rages and reckless behavior. She's been hospitalized at least a dozen times.

I don't know, honestly. I'm just asking. I've never taken any psych meds, nor had any personal experience with those who have. If so, it might be something to bear in mind.

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Well, the first thing to do is find a therapist who can help you to determine if they are indicated.

It's not courage, it's more that I just don't care and wish there wasn't so much wrong with me that I can't find the relationship I'm really looking for. I wish it was courage, then I could look all flashy for the ladies. "Why, hello there, sexy girls. I didn't notice you standing there!" *does muscle poses for l10 minutes*

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LOL

I've done a bit of research on the treatment for BPD. It seems like there really isn't much help to be had, why I walk around like "Eh, onward, nothing to be done about this." I totally wish there was a magic pill that made all this, whatever it is, go away. Thank you for the vote of support. I guess talking you guys/gals on the net is better than talking to no one at all.

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*hugs*

Hey there, Darknyss. I don't have time to post much, but I did want to say that Borderline PD can definitely be helped with Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Basically, it just teaches you skills to learn how to feel your emotions, and deal with them without automatically reacting and letting your thoughts spin you into a cycle of doom.

You can Google it. It has a lot of success. Most of the idea that BPD can't be helped is not because it can't be done, but because most people with it don't go to therapy, and if they do, they tend not to stick with it (or with one therapist).

If you realize you have some emotional stuff you want or need to fix, and you stick to it, you could definitely see a lot of benefit for yourself. You may always still have the thought/emotion process, but you'll know how to deal with it and see that it's under your own control.

I just wanted to toss that out there.

I had read some about DBT, but from what I could gather, it was likened to exposure therapy, which is why I wasn't so sure it would work. Exposure therapy doesn't seem like it would do much on the surface other than make you face your fears, something that most of us probably aren't that good at. Actually, that might've been cognitive behavioral therapy that I was reading about. I tend to get those two confused. But they're sort of the same thing, or rather DBT is a branch off of CBT, I think.

I guess it couldn't hurt to find someone to talk to when I have monies, and see what can be done about this. But as soon as I mention poly, don't most therapists tend to diagnose that as an illness in and of itself? "Oh, well, you're polyamorous, so there must be something wrong in your head. Everyone knows that monogamy is the only way!"

No, it's not about exposure therapy. It's actually much closer to the Buddhist teachings of mindfulness. To feel the emotion and how it is in your body and let it go, instead of then thinking "I'm mad. It's so-and-so's fault. They don't really love me," etc., which continues the feeling, makes it worse, and then turns it into something that isn't even based in reality.

There's a workbook you can get on Amazon, The DBT Workbook. I highly recommend getting one and just taking a good look so you can see what it's about.

It's not about just exposing yourself and "dealing." It gives you actual tools to deal with emotions better.

A good therapist will really make a big difference, though. You'd need more than a book and a prayer. I'd look for a therapist who specializes in DBT specifically, then question them and find one that is at least open to poly, if not experienced with it.

My counselor does DBT and specializes in clients who are LGBTQ, or into BDSM and polyamory. They are out there. You just have to do a little research and ask them.

Also, there's nothing wrong with, and a lot of good can come from, being up front with your counselor and telling them you suspect you may have borderline personality disorder. They will be better at figuring out if you do, or if you have some other issue. (Interestingly, ADHD shares a lot of the same symptoms as BPD. There are a few differences, though.)

It's no different than going to the doctor and telling them what's hurting so they can check into it and help you fix it.

Darknyss said:

By the way, were the prostitutes the creepy part of that? If so, why are they creepy in particular? As long as things like safer sex is practiced and you at least do some research, I'd imagine the risks are no worse than your average hookup at a local bar...

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I don't know what Sagency was referring to, but that bit stood out to me, too.

1) It sounds controlling and dysfunctional as hell. Your gf would be calling all the shots, setting the stage, the time, and the script. She would be unhappy going along with it because she is unhappy with non-monogamy in general, and you would be unhappy going along with it because you are unhappy with being controlled, in general.

2) It smacks of issues with sex, in that you are so needy of promiscuous sex (in the original meaning of the word, which I believe to be seeking out multiple sexual partners just for the sake of having a constant flood of new sexual partners, to a point where erotic relationships that last a while grow stale, and restlessness sets in), that you are willing to do anything, go with the most absurd scenarios, to cater to the two fears which consume your life: the fear of being alone and the fear of being controlled in some way.

Darknyss said:

On the last bit, maybe I just haven't had the right kind of relationships yet, but aren't all relationships based on one controlling the other, or swapping up for the driver's seat at times? In monogamy, it tends to be the whole "If you sleep with anyone else, I will leave you!" that I know so well. With someone else, it might be "if you can't get/keep a job, I'll leave you!" Any number of factors, but all leading to the same end of path. Do what I say, or I'm gone.

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I would venture this is your fear talking. No, healthy relationships are not like that, be they mono or poly. Healthy relationships are based on negotiation, honest communication and respect for self and others. People cannot be controlled with the threat of one partner leaving if they truly and honestly believe that they will not die should their current relationship end. Feel enormously sad, hopeless and lost? Yes, but not actually perish.

In sum, in a healthy relationship, one partner does not use the threat of leaving, or violence, or suing for sole custody, to force the other partner to do something they wouldn't otherwise you. They just leave. Constantly bringing up the threat of leaving is a sign of emotional blackmail and violence.

Darknyss said:

"Go, and expose yourself to hotter fire for longer periods of time until you are immune to fire!"

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Unlike fire, being single will. Not. Actually. Kill. You.

Really, it won't. And that's what exposure therapy is all about. Learning that even when you are faced with something you fear, you. Will. Survive.

Darknyss said:

A note to everyone, don't take my silliness as that I'm disregarding your advice or that I don't appreciate it. I do. I tend to act silly when serious subjects are invoked. Easier to work with, I guess.

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Not at all. I'm not a person totally without a sense of humour, but I feel strong empathy towards your situation and want to help bring up the serious subjects.

Darknyss said:

Probably best that I didn't. She would've walked out right then and there.

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She would've have walked away, and then what? Really, what would have happened?

Darknyss said:

I've done a bit of research on the treatment for BPD, and it seems like there really isn't much help to be. Why I walk around like, "Eh, onward. Nothing to be done about this."

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This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You start to attribute everything you experience as difficult to your incurable disease. So, in the end, it's not really you who are responsible for the stuff you do, it's the disease. And since it cannot be helped, you will just suffer till the end of your life.

Most behaviours, including thought patterns and emotional responses, are learned, and can thus be unlearned. Take the word of someone who is writing this from a shared laptop, and who three years ago was too anxious to be even in the same room with a computer.

If your concern about therapy is that you're not so sure it'll work-- well, what if it does? Isn't it worth a try, on the off chance that your life could be better than this? Even if it only helped a little, what could be more valuable than your mental health and resilience? No more excuses! Go! Go!

So you are owned by this woman, and are not willing to change it? That's what it sounds like. Wow. Well, good luck. I don't know what else to tell you that others haven't.

For the record? I would have said this, "If you loved me, you would love all of me, and honor the terms set out in the beginning of this relationship, that we were not going to be exclusive partners, that our relationship would by necessity be of a polyamorous nature," and maybe she would've left. This is exactly where you have let this woman manipulate you, because you are afraid.

On the last bit, maybe I just haven't had the right kind of relationships yet, but aren't all relationships based on one controlling the other, or swapping up for the driver's seat at times? In monogamy, it tends to be, "If you sleep with anyone else, I will leave you!" that I know so well. With someone else, it might be, "If you can't get/keep a job, I'll leave you!" Any number of factors, but all leading to the same end of path-- do what I say, or I'm gone.

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No, that is not healthy. Long-term relationships take a lot of negotiation and compromise and unconditional love. Hanging that threat over someone's head is manipulative and ... immature.