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  #91  
Old 10-10-2011, 06:50 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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And yes, seen from your perspective, Veganchick's actions seem cruel. Have you seen her show remorse in other situations when she hurts people? Some people do withdraw and have the biggest issue admitting when they have hurt people, as both you and Carma mentioned earlier - people seeing themselves as who they want to be instead of who they are. Is it really more important to you to make her see you as right, as the injured party, and her as the heartless villain, than to try to figure out how to move past this? There will be plenty of time to figure out why, and for her to deal with any damage she has caused.

Is she just pissed off because and wants to leave the home because you have been talking about this so much? She may be striking out and being angry and bitter back (as you have been off an on in the post you are making on here, and so I imagine you're doing so in person too) in reaction to what you're saying. Maybe because she didn't mean to hurt you on purpose, and you are saying things to purposefully hurt her?

I understand thinking a relationship was perfect and then being so angry that your partner wasn't the person you thought they were, but as you've seen I assume (since you've been in serious relationships before) nobody is perfect, we all have big fucking flaws. Nobody should let themselves be walked on and if you had a pattern of her acting in a way that made you feel "betrayed" that would be one thing but.... this seems to be one surprise that you weren't expecting, and she seems to have been a pretty good partner.

If you can now identify what you think is the possibly dealbreaking "flaw" in veganchick and be willing to love her despite it and use it to get to know her better and help her grow as a person, it will also help you grow as a person, and leave you open to future love from her or other partners. The growing anger you are having is understandable, but you can be better and stronger and rise above it.
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  #92  
Old 10-10-2011, 06:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
The growing anger you are having is understandable, but you can be better and stronger and rise above it.
Maybe, I don't know if I can.
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  #93  
Old 10-10-2011, 07:13 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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So the solution for her is moving out.....the truth is just too hard ....working to rebuild trust ...too hard.

I don't want to judge the content of the email ...what says or doesn't (others here will have fun picking that apart don't worry ) but what does it say that the topic is her lie's and when her own written words are used to demonstrate a possible inconsistency .... she's saying that what she wrote is a lie .....So she just lied to Paul now ....Wow.....I don't know who's going to believe that????

My advice to Veganchick ...stop talking and writing until you really know what you want to say ....and what the truth really is ...as you saw it ...
I'm sure you had similar sleep problems ...and thus some this is a result of that ...things can get compounded fast.

Po....take a break from the talks ...try sleeping with tv or radio on ...the noise distracts your brain ....staring at the ceiling in the quiet just keeps the brain working on the puzzle.....and its now your puzzle to solve.
Why not give her the space to try to solve that puzzle ...then see if you can deal with that solution ....I just typed soulution by accident then thought that's the right spelling for this situation. You may want to encourage /help her get some sleep ....assuming she 's having trouble in that area....and that life altering declarations should be put off for a while ....til clearer heads can prevail. If that doesn't work then I suggest dueling pistols.....paint ball of coarse. I put the paint balls in the freezer for this....

Good luck D
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  #94  
Old 10-10-2011, 07:47 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Podunk, you keep saying that Veganchick shows no remorse and now that she's "disconnected" from her responsibility in what happened. However, here in this thread she expressed that she has no idea how to rebuild trust between you. In her PMs to me, she expressed hesitation about voicing her perspective here because she felt she should defer to your pain, and "not make it about her." She stated that she learned a great deal from this experience, but since you are feeling so wounded, she didn't think she should talk about that.

Veganchick also told me that she was "clinging to the hope" that you would let her back in to your heart and life, that she is devastated, and wants to "seek advice on what is necessary to mend our broken hearts." This doesn't sound like someone disconnected and unremorseful. It sounds like someone at her wit's end who feels like she's facing a brick wall in trying to discuss any of this with you. Perhaps she has not felt compassion coming from you toward her. My guess is that you have made it quite clear she is not forgiven, and that leaves her with no more hope about repairing the relationship, so she feels the only thing she can do is leave.

Perhaps the woman who split from your life before also felt she had no choice. Maybe you protect yourself with a very formidable vibe when you are hurt or angry. I know that when my ex was angry with me, it was extremely frightening (even though I knew he would never hurt me), and that energy was difficult to have directed at me. You do seem to take a fatalistic stance. It could be a very good thing for the two of you to live apart for a little while to cool off.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-10-2011 at 10:30 PM.
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  #95  
Old 10-11-2011, 02:30 AM
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Oh well, drinking and posting. Breaking one of my cardinal rules. But who the hell cares, I don't about much at the moment.

I really tried to leave this thread alone, leave this life-sucking subject alone for one evening. I didn't speak of it at all to veganchick tonight. Okay, I just plain didn't say anything. If you don't have anything nice to say... But, I guess that just isn't good enough for her today, so she started her own thread here.

I will not pretend to have processed everything she has said there. I still have a hard time hearing her at all, especially if there is even a hint of dishonesty, and hint there is. I'll focus just on one aspect of that for now. She spends a good bit of time romanticizing another potential fuck buddy, Bob. Has she learned nothing from all of this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by veganchick
I was actually excited to tell Podunk about my connection with Bob. I shared every detail – including that I considered sharing a bed and, had the situation been different, possible sleeping with him. “He'll be amazed that I found that “energy”. It's such a rare thing! “
What you really said is that you felt "the exact same thing" you have with me. Really? You thought I would be amazed by that? Excited even? You talked to some random dude for a couple of hours and found exactly what we have built over six years? How cheap is what we have?

Quote:
Originally Posted by veganchick
I later received an email from Bob expressing that the feeling had been mutual. I shared all of this with Po and details of the emails that followed.
Really? Because you said I could read those emails and today I did. What Bob really said is that he wanted "to get naked with you, suck your tits and see how far he could get from there". Glossing over the details again much? You have told me this whole thing would have been a different story had you gone there to spend a week with Bob. Something tells me it wouldn't have been.

And in the interest of transparency and exploring my own personality flaws, I'll share the details of something I did today. It is likely immature and childish. I'm sure it will not be well received here. On a positive note, it finally shut both of us up, in person anyway. I am for a moment at least, not shaking!

I found today that veganchick brought home from the trip, her used condom wrappers. She stashed them by our bed as some kind of sick fucking souvenir! Either that or she is screwing someone locally too that I don't know about.. Who the hell knows at this point? (No we do not use condoms and have never had this kind even when we did.)

I left one of the wrappers on her pillow with a note that read "Awesome souvenir. Is it for me? You're the best." Yeah, anyway, I did that. There it is, have fun with it. Urgh.

Last edited by Podunk; 10-11-2011 at 02:35 AM. Reason: Bolding.
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  #96  
Old 10-11-2011, 02:33 AM
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Just as I hit submit, she had to come down and talk to me. Now I'm shaking again. Will it never end?
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  #97  
Old 10-11-2011, 03:22 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I'm going to suggest that you go lock the internet cords in the car for a day or two and unplug. I also think spending a night or two not talking or apart would be good. It sounds like you're reveling in self pity and anger right now, and I'm pretty sure that didn't get anybody anywhere good ever.
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  #98  
Old 10-11-2011, 06:07 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Might I suggest that this become a blog on the "Life stories and blogs" forum? That way you can vent and not have people respond, including VG. I would suggest VG do the same. My concern is that this become a war on this forum. This thread will be locked in an instant as will VG's if quoting each other and telling each other off on here become common practice.

I advice that both you and her remember to stay off of here if you feel like throwing words at each other that will provoke. That is not what this forum is about... thanks for your consideration in this. Let me know if I can move this for you.
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  #99  
Old 10-11-2011, 08:21 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I've been away awhile and still don't plan on posting much, but your posts have brought me out of my lurking. I can so feel and relate to your pain. Having been there almost 1 1/2 yrs ago, I offer the advice to remove yourself from it the best you can, if only for a few hours. The best thing I did when in the midst of of lies, drama, pain , all threatening to consume me, was find other things to do. It's hard, I know, to put your mind on something else, but I learned through that hell, that the mind likes to walk in circles and have you thinking yourself into a hole. Distracting myself was the best thing I need. It gave my brain a chance to relax. It gave me a new perspective of things. And best of all it gave me the ability to calmly work through the situation.

The other best thing I did, was what Karma and I did together. We had a night a total brutal honesty. Our rules-no lying, no yelling (we were allowed to express that something said hurt us, be we were not allowed to start yelling), no walking out. We created a safe space for honesty in doing that. We both came clean about a lot of things and we were both hurt. But we also walked forward from that point. And we have never been stronger. It takes maturity on both ends to put the instinct to lash out at the cause of pain, aside and do what needs done to save things. But I think you both can do it, if you both are willing, which is why I suggest you take the advice of locking the computer chords away, let her leave for a few days if that's what she wants/ needs or what you need. And you both decide if you want to go forward, then go from there. Good Luck.
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  #100  
Old 10-11-2011, 11:56 AM
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I do intend to answer some comments more thoroughly but, at the suggestion of others, plan to give this topic and online discussion a little rest for a couple days. Thank you to everyone for actually taking the time to read all of our words and giving such honest and heartfelt responses! I'm hoping that this tiny break might help give us a little more clarity. It's the least I can do.
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