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  #21  
Old 10-29-2009, 08:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
...what I really want is a lot of independence. I just love thinking about the person I'm in love with being off on their own, doing their thing, playing, whatever... and then knowing when I see him/her it will be genuine, sweet and s/he will tell me all about it!

Complete honesty, but no ownership.

I'm searching to see if this is an intimacy issue within me. Afraid to commit fully, afraid to be "tied".

...I do, however, get very sick of being touched, sick of talking, sick of seeing any one face for too long and need my space after a while....
People sometimes ask me if I'm ever going to get married.
"A girl would have to be crazy to want to marry me" I tell them, "and I'm not gonna marry some crazy girl."

I must have looked up the word "commit" in the dictionary a half a dozen times if I've done it once. I keep thinking somehow the way people use it like it's this really desirable thing. How many times have I heard people say "oh, s/he's got a fear of commitment." as if it were a bad thing! The dictionary definition has a lot of examples regarding uses of the word in such ways as: "She was declared legally insane and committed to the psych ward." "He committed murder in the 1st degree."
This is a bit tongue in cheek (in syncronicity with the theme for this thread) but really commitment is about promising and dedicating not just in the now but for your future self as well.

I have a big problem with that. It's not that I "haven't met anyone I've liked or loved enough." as I've been told. It's not that I don't feel as deeply as the next person. It's that I think about the implications of what it means to decide something for someone whom you have not yet become.

It's the reason I knew I wanted a tattoo when I was 14, but didn't get one until I was 19. It's the reason I know I don't want to father any children, but I haven't gotten the oh so reasonably priced vasectomy that could give me a greater peace of mind.
It's the reason I will very rarely make a promise.

When I was thinking about getting a tattoo, I had several ideas that I thought were pretty cool. But you know what 14 year old Legion was thinking? "What if when I'm 25 or 40 or 60 I don't think ________ is cool anymore? I'll be stuck with a tattoo that I don't affiliate with, or quite possibly even hate!"

I'm not interested in committing what I hope is a bigger, better, wiser and brighter "future self" to the possibly short-sighted decisions of my present self. The more freedom I can retain for the future self to move around in, the better off I think I'll be. I certainly do appreciate the freedoms afforded me by my "past self" (no kids, no car payment, no "Jolly Roger" tattoos on my forehead)

Rolypoly, I think it's perfectly reasonable to want a partner (or three) that doesn't mind you wandering off and might wander off themselves.

redsirenn - about this quote:

"I think they donít really believe in love, and I think they force themselves to deal with the thought of the person they love having sex with other people because they think thatís the only way to really hold onto their love."


I think is ridiculous. Someone might feel that way but not me. I know I believe in love; I'm about the most romantic cynic you could ever hope to meet. I accept the idea of people I love having sex with other people because it's what they choose for themselves and I love them for being themselves. I accept their choices in occupation, location, lovers, diet, pets, &c. I may show concern for them if any of the above seem to be unhealthy choices, but ultimately, I love these people and I trust them to make their own decisions.

The only way to hold onto my love is to let it flow out of me so the infinite spring within me does not dry up but continues to flourish.
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  #22  
Old 10-29-2009, 04:42 PM
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Yes - but commitment is a strong power in itself. It can build a place for you to grow in a different way - even for your future self. I have this quote that I carry around in my pocket: " if you want something you must commit to it". I always took this to apply to my music, art, school, etc. Because I believe that If i don't commit myself to them (for my future self) I will inevitably fail, or do something half-ass... that in a way is almost worse.

Commitment to a relationship is KNOWING that your future self will change. Of course it does. That is why commitment is so hard, and so powerful. It is a promise to work within yourself for something bigger than just your personal freedom. It gives people the security in knowing that someone you love will always be there for you. In ways that you agree on when making said commitment. I truly believe that people thrive on this when it is true. It is thinking beyond yourself. I always believed that true love is action, decisions, etc. The way a mother loves a child - "proven" (for lack of a better word) - by the multitude of actions and lifelong commitment. I know that I have people in my life that have committed certain relationship roles in my life, e.g. my best friend, my mother, etc. This does not hinder me, in fact it makes me a stronger person. I know because of them, that I can do the same for someone else, and that I can expect the same in return.

Someone to be there when you are sick, when things are not at their best, when you are acting stupid, when you are old, poor, rich, whatever. Just someone that you know will be there, and love you because they are there.
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  #23  
Old 10-29-2009, 05:12 PM
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Well said redsirren!
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  #24  
Old 10-29-2009, 05:25 PM
Baernin Baernin is offline
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[QUOTE

"I think they donít really believe in love, and I think they force themselves to deal with the thought of the person they love having sex with other people because they think thatís the only way to really hold onto their love."
My apologies if I don't have this quote thing done correctly, I'm the next best thing to illiterate. I have to admit though, that my present open-ness to polyamory came about because of this exact issue. I've always had attractions and emotional connections outside of my relationships that either convinced me that I didn't care about my partner enough, or guilty as if I was cheating. Because I believed in monogamy. A good part of my initial anger with my husband when he wanted an open marriage was that I had been sacrificing my needs and desires on the altar of marriage, and he hadn't. Before we started dating we'd actually enjoyed girl and guy watching together. Now when we're together, I can get a kick out of watching my husband flirt with our friends, and have fun myself. Just because something may start out of pain or anger, doesn't mean that it cant grow into something healthy.
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  #25  
Old 10-29-2009, 11:29 PM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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"I do, however, get very sick of being touched, sick of talking, sick of seeing any one face for too long and need my space after a while. I've been this with way with every single person in my life, no exceptions, regardless of our type of relationship, (romantic, friendship, family member...). "

i feel like this too and i believe its becuase im an introvert, i need space and time alone, becuase being constantly around other people drain me, time away helps me re-charge and im then a nicer person when i do spend time with others
i also can't be around one person too long or i start to feel drained, but if a new person comes into the room then i seem to get a new energy,
but in the end, my time alone is very important to me, which can sometimes be a challage with 2 or more loves

Jools
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  #26  
Old 10-30-2009, 06:22 AM
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Legion Legion is offline
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I might be running away with this thread here due to what has happened to me today, but Jools' mention of "new energy" hits home.

My g/f of the last year broke up with me for the umpteenth (and possibly final?) time a few weeks ago due to issues w/ me dating other women (for full details, check other threads). We just now started talking a bit the past couple days and she came over for lunch in a good mood. We started talking a little about her life and a guy she's been hanging out w. Then it was my turn as she asked me how things had been. I told her of the two women I had been seeing, I hadn't heard much from one but had been spending almost every day with the other (we are in a play together, which accounts for about 4 days/week of that interaction). You know, NRE.
To which she responded by being very hurt. She started to compare it to how we were before she broke up w/ me. We didn't see each other every day, sometimes not even every week. I fought fire on a hotshot crew this summer, so was sometimes incommunicado for a couple weeks. Not to say I didn't think of her.
Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this. Maybe I'm just whining that I think it unfair for her to compare the middle of our relationship to the begining of another.

I think this isn't so far from the topic of the thread; it's not as though I've felt "sick of her" but I did feel like it was nice to have a break so when we were together it was appreciated more, less of a "oh, I see you every day", taking for granted type situation. In the short time we were not talking (at her request) both of us felt like it was an eternity and I was so relieved to finally have her break the silence. I've missed her and I miss her still.
argh. I think I need to start a new thread....
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Often he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been rent asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him...and he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My name is Legion: for we are many.
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