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  #41  
Old 10-07-2011, 01:15 PM
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Podunk Podunk is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Maybe she doesnt remember if he came in her mouth because she was pretty stoned or tipsy? Just assuming there were substances involved, you damn hippies.
I so wish that were true, it would make this so much easier. Unfortunately, it was all 100% sober for all involved.


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*hug*
Thanks, I could use some of those about now.
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  #42  
Old 10-07-2011, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Can this marriage be saved? Yes, I think so.
I do, too!
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  #43  
Old 10-07-2011, 02:32 PM
Mara Mara is offline
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If she hadn't lied would it have been okay with you for her to have had sex with him?

For me, it seems the issue is that you now feel you can't trust her. I know that must really hurts. I don't know but it seems like focusing on the sex acts, will only keep fueling your hurt. Is there any way to instead talk abut how much her dishonesty has eroded your trust for her.

It seems like guys get more upset or jealous over sex acts whereas, girls do so over emotional connection. Reading your posts makes me feel you are getting caught up on the sex.

If you want to salvage your relationship, it seems like you are going to have decide whether you want to accept her apology and if you want to let go of the fact that she seems to have she had to lie about the sex. Why, is there an emotional complex there she needs to hide?

I don't have any answers but can read and see your pain. Sometimes people get caught up in their emotional complexes or pain and begin to rewound over and over.

Wishing you ease from this hurt,

Mara, a new member

Last edited by Mara; 10-07-2011 at 02:35 PM.
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  #44  
Old 10-07-2011, 03:41 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I find it fascinating that her behavior in this is being rationalized( its hard to tell a partner about sexual stuff .....imagine that in a high pitch whiny voice ....its year of societal programing.... and podunks cheap shot and condescension and possible slut shaming needs to be looked at....really. The guy just got blindsided and is devastated....he's not entitled to a couple of cheap shots...fuck that...... if she doesn't like cheap shots ....or they sting a bit to much then don't put yourself in a position in which you may have to endure them.

This was so fucking simple it mind blowing....she danced topless and met a guy (I"m a sucker for sweaty boob myself) ...talked for a period of time on the internet ...plan a weekend or something with EVERYONE knowing that sex was most definitely apart of that plan. The short visit turns into 8 days. Upon returning home when asked did you have sex with Paul she could have said ....well duh...of coarse we did but he has ED and it was difficult blah blah mostly non penetrative play ...END OF FUCKING PROBLEM .....or rather problem never happens....it that simple.

No one buy's the idea she can't remember if the guy came in her mouth. If he got it up enough (insert ED story ) to cum wouldn't that be cause for celebration .....or sense of satisfaction on her part.... something you wouldn't forget in a few days. My wife could remember the shoes she wore to a party in 1997 and where she bought them and how much she paid.....this seems like something all women are going to remember doing at least in the short term.


Now Po is forced to look at everything that's said and done with a critical eye. He's probably looking back to see if he was lied to in other areas and other topics. hell she might be sneaking off and having a slim jim every now and then ....or big ole cheese burger. "i'd never do that ".... really... where have I heard that before ....I found those wrappers in your car ..."I told you those weren't mine" .... everything gets put into question....because of the decisions she made.

Good luck D

Last edited by dingedheart; 10-07-2011 at 05:37 PM.
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  #45  
Old 10-07-2011, 03:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mara View Post
If she hadn't lied would it have been okay with you for her to have had sex with him?
Yes, I have elaborated on that above.

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If you want to salvage your relationship, it seems like you are going to have decide whether you want to accept her apology and if you want to let go of the fact that she seems to have she had to lie about the sex. Why, is there an emotional complex there she needs to hide?
I'm still waiting for anything that sounds like a sincere apology. So far veganchick seems mostly upset that this has caused her a huge problem, rather than any sympathy at all for me. I'm trying to be patient and give it time.

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I don't have any answers but can read and see your pain. Sometimes people get caught up in their emotional complexes or pain and begin to rewound over and over.
Guilty. I'm processing the initial trauma now, got some sleep last night and am trying to get out of that cycle.

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Wishing you ease from this hurt,

Mara, a new member
Thank you.
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  #46  
Old 10-07-2011, 06:20 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Dinged Heart, I'm not trying to excuse her behaviour. Podunk is struggling to understand why she would have lied like this, and I'm just offering him a few possible keys to understanding. If they are still trying to work this out (and it seems like they might be) each partner will have to dig deep and see if they can find some sympathy for the other.

And no, no-one's ever "entitled" to make cheap shots. What a ridiculous thing to say.

I'm not sure what to think about the whole "I don't remember" thing. I'd think a guy coming in your mouth would be something you'd remember, too. Then I thought about it a bit. Podunk, you say that it's the norm for you guys that no-one finishes in her mouth. Does that mean you usually don't, either? If so, and she's not used to swallowing, it might feel different that she'd expect. As an enthusiastic swallower, I can tell you that some guys are exploders and some guys are tricklers. If Paul was a trickly sort of fellow, it might be sort of hard to tell whether she was tasting a little precome or whether he'd come.
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  #47  
Old 10-07-2011, 08:38 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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MZ,
Po needs to understand that it could be, maybe, in certain situations with certain people .... hard for people to talk about sexual stuff with there partners .... none of this we know to be true. By all accounts they had a swing history...(sexual stuff) and this was informed and consent poly journey.... both members of the forum....I'm sure they both did some reading here, etc, etc ....sounds like they had more than a couple conversations before the weekend ...8 day trip. So honesty and communication and more importantly honest communication was most likely brushed upon more than once( or talked about all the time). One of the big core principals of poly is honest communication....one of Po's big issues from relationships in the past was honesty and yet its easily dismissed....how could that be. And then when confronted he is belittled or mocked for believing the lie. ...."you rube you actually believe it ... what an idiot." Where's the understanding in that...they mocked him for believing her lies....and "he" needs to understand what again.

Cheap shots:
How about then ..... I'm not going to hold a couple of cheap shots that were typed in the heat of the moment against him....or read much into them. So I'll give the guy a pass on a couple of cheap shot....which by the way I thought were funny. ....regardless even if they weren't funny I'd still give him a pass.

Would calling her a fucking liar be a cheap shot?? no ...that's factual ....so...then...

You think the key is finding sympathy for one another....wow... I think being told a version of this story (in a complete way) that would make logical sense and answer the questions on all the lies... that would be the key to moving forward leave the sympathy out or any other emotions ...just the facts ma'am
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  #48  
Old 10-07-2011, 08:55 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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DH, no one here belittled or mocked Podunk, so wtf are you talking about?
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  #49  
Old 10-07-2011, 08:59 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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apparently he was mocked by Veganchick and Paul ....your right no one here.
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  #50  
Old 10-07-2011, 10:48 PM
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Podunk,

Time constrains being what they are, I have not faithfully read every word, and only skimmed some of the most recent posts here. But let me side with the voices that say it's not yet too late, or too over. What the two of you need to do is look into one another's eyes and ask questions like Am I loved? Do you love me? Can trust be rebuilt? Stuff like that. If there is much love between you, that's nothing to sneeze at. If trust can be recovered and healed, same. As other posters have said, we're all human. I think the two of you owe it to one another to stay or part based on fundamental questions which only the two of you can formulate and answer. But real love is very precious, indeed. And if you have that you may be able to work through this and be stronger than ever. At the same time, AutumnalTone's tone makes some sense. You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. I wish you both the best.
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