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  #61  
Old 07-03-2011, 09:24 PM
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Thanks!
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  #62  
Old 07-04-2011, 12:15 PM
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My connection with Nurse was starting to create a lot of anxiety...I realized that it just wasn't healthy for me...I need stability and something that's well defined.

...I just need to take care of myself...Because I do know what I want. And that's being with him. But I can't have it so I need to be able to let go for the time being.
I just wanted to highlight all the bits were you stated you needed something/had a personal revelation about your needs. Even when it created pain to have those needs met.
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Old 07-06-2011, 06:03 PM
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Thanks BU,

As much as a part of my brain knows all of those things, there's another part that just hasn't been on board with all of this. It's been up and down. Today feels a bit more up.
And a lot of this has to do with other emotional trauma/mental health issues.

I had my surgery yesterday. Recovering today. I feel a lot better now that the anesthesia has totally worn off. That stuff is nasty! The pain isn't bad. Painkillers don't hurt either I suppose. Surgery went well, the only traumatic part was waking up. They weren't watching me very closely after I woke up and I felt very scared/disoriented and had a panic attack. I wasn't impressed with their reaction. In fact, I'll probably call and complain about it to customer service. I even put on my medical history that I have anxiety problems. They didn't really seem to care/know what to do. I was pretty out of it for most of the day yesterday.

Later in the evening, Sinclair came over and made me dinner. It was quite delicious and the conversation was good as well. And there's leftovers!

I had a good fourth of july. I spent it with Krav Maga friends. Shooting guns, taking lots of pictures, good food, beautiful mountains.

I got to talk to some other people about stuff with the Nurse and it got me to thinking. I would really like to make a friendship work and see what might come out of it. I'm just not sure of how I can do that healthily but I want to try. We're supposed to both be at a regional burning man festival in the middle of july, so we'll see other a bit then. I'd like to test out the waters and see how I do on a smaller scale though. Tonight, there's a TNG planning meet and if I go we'll both be at it. So I'll see how that goes. My main concern is that I don't want to get stuck pining and feeling tortured just so we can be friends. If we are friends it needs to be a positive contribution. Ari had mentioned in a thread somewhere that he has a hard time being friends with people that he has feelings for. I really struggle with this as well. But I remember that he said he made it work once and that while it was hard, he felt like it was worth it. Perhaps he can chip in. :P

The truth is that neither the Nurse nor I is in the best of positions to jump into a serious relationship. I don't feel comfortable being in an ambiguous one. I also really, really, really miss playing with him! And I want it back lol. Perhaps if we can set up good boundaries we can be friends and play partners in the not so distant future. I would really like that. But we'll see. It might not work. I'm also working hard to build friendships with a wide variety of people and I'm liking the impact that's having on my life. I'm feeling healthier in that regard. I think there a possibility in the future but that we should leave it alone until we're both more stable. Who knows, tomorrow, I may be in tears again and super depressed. At this point, I'm just taking things one day at a time. I can't be angry at myself for having emotions. They make me human.
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Old 08-19-2011, 10:32 PM
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Well, it has been quite awhile since my last post. Obviously, I won't give a play by play of everything that's happened.

Most importantly, I have been learning a lot about drawing lines. Sexual lines. Emotional ones. Time management ones. Lines of all kinds. Sometimes, I feel mean or demanding when I do that but I'm learning *slowly* that it can be the most compassionate thing to do. When you feel respected and fulfilled, you can be there more joyful for everyone else around you. Including yourself.

I suppose I am really learning how to take better care of myself.

The Nurse and I continue to roller coaster from friends to being angry to sad to normal. I'm getting to a point where soon, I may need to actually let go. I'm hoping that we can be play partners primarily and do that consistently. If we can find a good rhythm then I'd be happy to keep him in my life.

And then further complicating the situation....

So The Nurse's ex is M. M is now dating E and C. The Nurse, M and E used to be a triad at one point. Then it was a constellation of sorts with M in the middle and Nurse, E and C as the arms. Recently E and M broke contact with the Nurse. Before that had happened the Nurse had suggested that I talk with E about some personal stuff related to me. E and I struck up a friendship. Now, I am further exploring that with E as well as playing (kink) and also getting to know M more. The Nurse is not fully aware of this for a few reasons. 1) We're not dating or in a D/s relationship so I feel I have no real obligation to report who I hang out with. 2) He's been highly unpredictable and volatile as of late and I fear that he would not react well to the news. 3) He and I have been spotty and who knows if that friendship will even last. So why should I have to pick his side? I really don't think I should have to pick sides at all...

The Nurse keeps making plans with me and cancelling them. It's getting old. Sometimes he has a legit reason, sometimes he doesn't. Either, it's rude, inconsiderate and causes a lot of emotional upheaval.

He's also involved with someone else, P. They're supposedly play-partners and fuckbuddies. But I have heard that she really wants a real relationship from him but he doesn't know that's what she wants....blah blah drama drama
She's a royal mess and so is he and I want to be far, far away from the blast radius when that shit hits the fan. He seems to think commitment is hot lava right now and just wants to do whatever he wants. I don't disagree that he'd probably be best off single right now but he keeps starting up connections with people in which he acts like something he refuses to be. I feel fairly inclined to keep my distance emotionally until he gets his shit together and stops being such a flake.

In other news, the new semester is starting up and work is pretty busy. My hot pepper plants are finally growing peppers and my rosebush is blooming. I went to visit family for a week and had a surprisingly good visit. I also went to a regional burning man festival and had a cool experience. Hopefully someday I'll get to go to Burning Man. I've taken a Krav Maga hiatus until some injuries go away and it's easier to see my ex there. It was at the point where it was hurting more than it was helping so I've let that go for the time being. I have so much cleaning to do in the next few days before the semester starts. I spent a week house/bunny sitting for a friend. Toggling between two houses really isn't fun. Especially with no car.

I also have decided to take a break from dating until I feel a bit more confident in my ability to distinguish a good relationship from a bad one since apparently I don't seem to know too much about how to do that well.
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Old 08-23-2011, 12:25 AM
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Since I dont want to post a long hijack in Black unicorns blog, I'll elaborate a bit more about my anxieties regarding love with vanillas. Until the last year or so, I hadnt experienced sexual attraction to a person. I am uncertain if I can be sexually aroused without some involvement of kink. Keep in mind that I still havent had sex. So I wont know more until I start to explore this more. I was very much in love with O but only experienced limited sexual arousal and it vanished entirely when he made it clear that he was unwilling to indulge my kinks. Could it work out with a GGG, loving vanilla partner? Yeah. As ive been getting involved in the kink scene, there is something really wonderful about connecting with folks who share those fantasies and desires. For me its more than a fetish or two. Its a creative, shared play space where really wonderful things happen. You can teach people how to spank, flog, use a tens unit, etc but you cant teach them that headspace. Some people just cant access it. Ive never been aroused by the thought of sex that didnt involve some kind of kink. That could change for sure. Im afraid that I couldnt have a fulfilling sexual relationship with someone who was only willing to have plain vanilla sex. I wouldnt write some one off just because they werent an active kinkster but if they rejected that side of me like my ex did, I want no part of it. That dynamic made me feel ashamed of who I am and did a lot of damage to my sexuality. If some one cant embrace that, I would feel incredibly unhappy. There are a lot of different needs when it comes to kink. Some people truly cant be aroused without it. Itd be cool if I find out thats not the category I fall into. But I have a feeling that I do.

Ive also tried to explain enough kinky things to vanilla friends and despite their best efforts not remotely understanding what im trying to say. Conversely, when they try to explain why vanilla sex is enough for them, I do not get it. While not the only part of a relationship, its still important. Id be scared of the vanilla partner rejecting a very deep part of my sexuality. Coming out to a partner can be very scary and after my last experience with that, im extremely hesitant to put myself through that again.

I also dont want you to think that all kinksters think that vanilla sex is dumb or boring as a whole for everyone. I certainly dont. I often feel quite inadequate that I am not aroused by it. I spent most of my life thinking I was a huge freak. There are a lot of
kinks that I find uninteresting the same as pure, vanilla sex. We are all aroused by different things. Its not that I think kink is superior, it just works best for me for reasons ive never been able to figure out :-)

Last edited by ray; 08-23-2011 at 12:32 AM.
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  #66  
Old 08-23-2011, 01:12 PM
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Sometimes, I feel mean or demanding when I do that but I'm learning *slowly* that it can be the most compassionate thing to do. When you feel respected and fulfilled, you can be there more joyful for everyone else around you. Including yourself.
Such an important point! Thanks for sharing.

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So The Nurse's ex is M. M is now dating E and C. The Nurse, M and E used to be a triad at one point. Then it was a constellation of sorts with M in the middle and Nurse, E and C as the arms. Recently E and M broke contact with the Nurse. Before that had happened the Nurse had suggested that I talk with E about some personal stuff related to me. E and I struck up a friendship. Now, I am further exploring that with E as well as playing (kink) and also getting to know M more.
Polyamorous in-breeding - gotta love it!

Why did they stop talking to Nurse? General flakiness again?

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I also have decided to take a break from dating until I feel a bit more confident in my ability to distinguish a good relationship from a bad one since apparently I don't seem to know too much about how to do that well.
Want to hava a really stupid piece of advice? Good relationships make you feel good for extended periods of time. Bad relationships make you feel bad for extended periods of time.

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Until the last year or so, I hadnt experienced sexual attraction to a person. I am uncertain if I can be sexually aroused without some involvement of kink. Keep in mind that I still havent had sex. So I wont know more until I start to explore this more... Ive never been aroused by the thought of sex that didnt involve some kind of kink. That could change for sure. Im afraid that I couldnt have a fulfilling sexual relationship with someone who was only willing to have plain vanilla sex. I wouldnt write some one off just because they werent an active kinkster but if they rejected that side of me like my ex did, I want no part of it. That dynamic made me feel ashamed of who I am and did a lot of damage to my sexuality.
So you thought you were asexual? Or were you always certain that once you were to find your tribe and people to play with, you would sexually blossom?

I totally get your point. I wouldn't want to be involved with a person who had a huge beef with my bisexuality. I've been in two relationships where it was an issue and never want to do those again .
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  #67  
Old 08-27-2011, 05:39 PM
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M and E cut off contact with Nurse because having a friendship wasn't really working. It seemed like he just wasn't letting go of the relationship and he was still angry/passive aggressive about it ending. So, they decided to just remove themselves from the situation. Honestly, I think it was good. He needs space in order to really move on but wasn't allowing it for himself.

thanks for the advice. That is simple, but elegant. And terribly true.

in high school, I thought I might be asexual. Then, I realized I did have sexual thoughts, mostly pertaining to kink. For a long time, I didn't know there was a different between emotional and sexual attraction. It was only in the last year or so that I made that distinction. I've finally started to pick out who and what I am sexually attracted to. Its all starting to make sense!
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Old 10-07-2011, 02:42 AM
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Life is a lot like a puzzle sometimes but lately, the pieces have begun to come together. I had a revelation recently...it may come as a shock


I've decided to be monogamous.

Not with any specific person, just in general, for the future. It's not something I've ever experienced. As I've examined myself and what I want from romantic relationships, I've concluded that monogamy would best suit me. I'd be open to non-sexual play (kink) with people outside the relationship but I only want to have there be one 'love' relationship going on at a time.

I think that having my first relationship be polyamorous and feeling like I needed myself to accept it even if it wasn't what I really wanted it. I felt a bit pigeon holed. Like I had ended up there and just needed to keep going down that road. Then, joining the kink community only encouraged that. Monogamy, there, is not the norm and it tends to be a bit looked down upon. As I continued to explore poly, it just felt less and less rewarding. I realized that I really want to be monogamous. I had just been denying myself something because I didn't believe I was worth it. Naturally, I still see poly as a valid option, just not for me personally at this juncture in my life.

In other news, Nurse and I are no longer speaking. He had a couple of angry outbursts, including a scene where he neglected to tell me that he was furious at me but went ahead and beat the crap out of me any way. He attempted to force me into friendship (after I'd expressed a desire to maintain my distance) with his girl toy and tried to get me to cut off my friendship with E and M. He has yet to apologize for his actions and I've decided that my life is better off without him in it. I don't want to be treated that way and life is too short to waste my time. In fact, after that traumatic scene and all the drama that arose from my conflict with Nurse and his girl toy, I've decided to take an indefinite hiatus from the kink community here in SLC. His girl toy spread false rumors about me and seems to love stirring the pot. I have no desire to be involved some place where people create drama and let it swirl around like Hurricane Katrina. Hence the dream where Nurse and GT got eaten by a bear. It was pretty satisfying.

I've dated a little bit in the last month or two, some good some bad but nothing really viable. Beanstalk (he's rather tall) and I went on two dates. I definitely felt attracted to him and really love hanging out but decided that pursing a romantic relationship probably wasn't a good idea. He's 36, recovering from a divorce (10yr relationship) and lives across the street. We appear to be developing a platonic friendship. Which I feel pretty good about. He's a fun and interesting person. He does audio stuff and is also a musician. He's fairly introverted and reserved but one on one we've had great conversations about deep things. Actually, I really love how introverted he is. It's refreshing. It's unfortunate that the circumstances aren't really right for something more. I'm glad to have met him though, hopefully we get to hang out more soon.

I also went on a date with a guy from OKC. We can call him Creeper. We went out for sushi and we clicked, were having good conversation and all. Then he started to be a bit more touchy. I have a pretty big personal space bubble with people and it was making me a little uncomfortable but I let it slide since he wasn't coming on very strong. We went to a bar and he tried to get me to hit on the female bartender which was a little awkward and not too classy. Then, we went and sat in a park near my house. He tried to bring me into kiss him and I told him that I didn't want to kiss him. He didn't want to take no for an answer and I repeatedly stated my position. He told me I was over-thinking it.... I told him I felt pretty sure. He tried to make me feel really guilty about telling him no. He definitely doesn't get a second date. In addition, he triggered some old anxieties about dating. This has totally killed any desire to date for the time being. Which works out since school is keeping me plenty busy. Still, it pisses me off. Stupid expectations...

I went to visit the Beanstalk for a few minutes today (brought him some stuff from my garden) and chatted for a bit. I told him about Creeper and how OKC was making me feel overwhelmed. Now that I'm not squashed with midterms, I might be able to be a bit more social with friends. While I was visiting, my energy levels just plummeted so I went home and made some dinner. Now, I'm relaxing and watching some TV. I'd hoped to get more school work done but I was definitely done for the night.

I also decided to apply to grad school for the fall. If all goes well, next year I will be pursuing my MSW. This coming week is our fall break. I will be doing lots of homework, grad school apps and cleaning. I also am getting a manicure on Monday lol. First time in 10 years. It feels so silly and frivolous but I want to try it. I'll probably go to million yoga classes too. Even though I've got a lot going on, I feel good about where things are and where they might go.

Last edited by ray; 10-07-2011 at 02:45 AM.
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Old 10-07-2011, 04:30 PM
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Yay, I thought, an update to ray's blog!

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I've decided to be monogamous.
You go girl!

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Not with any specific person, just in general, for the future. It's not something I've ever experienced. As I've examined myself and what I want from romantic relationships, I've concluded that monogamy would best suit me. I'd be open to non-sexual play (kink) with people outside the relationship but I only want to have there be one 'love' relationship going on at a time.

I think that having my first relationship be polyamorous and feeling like I needed myself to accept it even if it wasn't what I really wanted it. I felt a bit pigeon holed. Like I had ended up there and just needed to keep going down that road. Then, joining the kink community only encouraged that. Monogamy, there, is not the norm and it tends to be a bit looked down upon. As I continued to explore poly, it just felt less and less rewarding. I realized that I really want to be monogamous. I had just been denying myself something because I didn't believe I was worth it. Naturally, I still see poly as a valid option, just not for me personally at this juncture in my life.
I think your introduction to poly and the particular circumstances around it have been so wildly different from pretty much everyone else on this forum's regulars that I am happy to hear you managed to get to the core of what you wanted despite being in such a "pro-poly" environment .

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...a scene where he neglected to tell me that he was furious at me but went ahead and beat the crap out of me any way. He attempted to force me into friendship (after I'd expressed a desire to maintain my distance) with his girl toy and tried to get me to cut off my friendship with E and M.
Wow, he sounds like a really unsafe play partner . Seems E and M knew what they were doing, taking their distance from him (are they women btw? are they included in the non-sexual play partner category or just friends?).

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He told me I was over-thinking it...... He tried to make me feel really guilty about telling him no... This has totally killed any desire to date for the time being.
Roll eyes indeed. Not finding somebody attractive enough to want to make out with them equals over-thinking now ? I'm sorry you keep having these negative expectations confirmed.

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...how OKC was making me feel overwhelmed.
Why not take down your profile for a while? I just did on another dating site and it felt weirdly liberating.

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If all goes well, next year I will be pursuing my MSW. This coming week is our fall break. I will be doing lots of homework, grad school apps and cleaning.
Masters in Social Work I take it? As we speak (well, figuratively speaking) I should be immersing myself in legislation studies and/or public accounting. Ah, sigh. My mum keeps phoning me and nagging about how I'm neglecting my studies due to the excitement of my new relationship with Vanilla. I think more than Vanilla, it's Doctor Who, this forum and an online game I'm immersed in that are eating away my study time.

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I also am getting a manicure on Monday lol. First time in 10 years. It feels so silly and frivolous but I want to try it.
Just a regular manicure or fake nails? I've been to a beauty salon twice, the first time they maimed my face. I tried to learn from that, took a pedicure next time (it was arranged by my place of work) and the pedicurist went "You have some of the nicest feet I've ever seen. I don't know what do, there's nothing to do with this pair". I was flattered, in a way .
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  #70  
Old 10-08-2011, 12:31 PM
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ray, I just read your whole blog. Whew!

I think you said you were raised in a Christian cult? I wonder how that affects all your sexual feelings?

Also, I don't understand how people can do kink play and not have sex. It always gets me so horny, and I end up cumming anyway. Kink=sex, for me. I don't just feel satisfied with the endorphin rush. A few months ago, I had a 3rd date with a guy who loves to tie me down and tickle me. He got off on just that, but he only made me cum once and I had "blue balls" for 24 hours! It felt awful. I couldnt even masturbate until the confused feelings in my vajayjay went away.

Also, I don't understand how people can have a kink play partner and not consider themselves in a relationship. Kink play with one person, repeatedly, would seem to be so intimate, take lots of trust, and lead to strong feelings of closeness.
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