BDsm

[Magdlyn]

OK, Cindie, you've given me permission to say here that you own a pair of handcuffs and one time (at least) you cuffed a lover to your bed and tortured him by licking all around his hard cock, barely brushing it from time to time with your lips, as he writhed and quivered on the bed.

You're kinky.

You're not vanilla. You're not "non-kinky." You both got off on the power exchange.

No, you didn't tie his balls up with bands or rope til they were tight and purple. No, you didn't take a small flogger and whip his cock while he laid there helpless. Yet, you still tortured him.

You didn't sit and watch TV. You did something even more extreme than canoeing on a calm lake. You enjoyed the power. He enjoyed being under your control.

Some people might think you and L are perverts. Some people are asexual. Some only like 10 mins of missionary style sex. It's all a matter of personal preference and desire for this or that limit to be pushed.

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by nycindie

At least give me credit for being curious, asking questions, and wanting to understand.

Good clarifications on all points above. And after I reread what I'd posted above, I thought to myself, maybe I should have said something like that's great that you're continuing to read and learn, there's some good stuff in those articles you quoted, etcetc. But at that point I just didn't have the energy to go back and add anything.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

OK, Cindie, you've given me permission to say here that you own a pair of handcuffs and one time (at least) you cuffed a lover to your bed and tortured him by licking all around his hard cock, barely brushing it from time to time with your lips, as he writhed and quivered on the bed.

You're kinky.

You're not vanilla. You're not "non-kinky." You both got off on the power exchange.

Got me. But he told me that he knew he could very easily break the chain on those cuffs (which are feather-lined so as not to hurt!) and so he didn't feel threatened by my doing that, so I didn't really think that I dominated him (the funniest part was when I put the blindfold on him and he whined, about three times, "Does it have to have a ruffle on it?").

Okay, so I'm not TOTALLY non-kinky. But let's say I meet someone new. If he asked me if I'm kinky and I said "yes," he would most likely be sorely disappointed when I got him home because I only play around with some light kinky stuff on occasion. Yes, I've been spanked, tied up, handcuffed (a long time ago), and have bitten and spanked and handcuffed lovers. I love dressing up in catsuits or corsets with stockings, garters, and fuck-me shoes, and I like having my hair pulled during sex. I'll even admit I enjoyed it when Shorty slapped my face on occasion (with my permission). At least now you kinksters know that I am not asking questions from a completely ignorant perspective. But I am so mild, I don't think much of it. Hmm, I guess the people who think it's kinky just to leave the lights on during sex would think it's weird that Lively likes to cum on my boobs.

Yet, I don't think I could qualify to ID as kinky or into BDSM, as it's definitely not something I need to get off or to feel satisfied. Nor would I want it to extend to anywhere else in my life beyond the bedroom. To me, I see what I do as dabbling a little, once in a while. For example, I enjoy being restrained, but not if I can't really get out of it easily myself. I would never want to be so tied up I couldn't move, but pin me down a little, that's okay. The things that freak me out are the 24/7 psychological submissive stuff, and the really pinchy-hurty-drawing blood stuff. And I guess I didn't think of kissing, licking, and nibbling as torture. The cock torture that disturbs me is when they bend it in a cage or like what you described, Mags. How do you even trust someone who nails body parts to a board? And no one's sticking a needle anywhere near my pussy that isn't a medical doctor! But I guess I am beginning to understand more about this world.

[AnnabelMore]

Why does it have to be a dichotomy of kinky or non-kinky, black and white? You could always say to your new lover "I'm just a tiny little bit kinky, nothing remotely serious or hard." But some people would definitely consider a slap to the face in bed kinky! So admitting to a mild shade of gray would actually be more accurate. Alternately, you could say "I'm vanilla with just a sprinkling of cinnamon... and then only in the bedroom. "

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Alternately, you could say "I'm vanilla with just a sprinkling of cinnamon... and then only in the bedroom. "

When you put it that way, the word vanilla sounds nice to me! A tasty treat!

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by nycindie

When you put it that way, the word vanilla sounds nice to me! A tasty treat!

I could even see someone who's normally a die-hard rocky road fan saying, "Hmm, that sounds refreshing actually, I think I could go for a little of that, especially presented in such an attractive dish."

[RunicWolf]

Sorry for my late entry into this thread. BrigidsDaughter sent me over here because she said I might be able to help out, as I'm most certainly the kinkier of the two of us. So you know where I'm coming from, I'm a Dominant sadist adrenaline junkie. I'm not a "professional" by any stretch of the imagination, but I have had one long term BDSM relationship, as well as done more then my fair share of homework. I also have some rather strong views on the topic, but I'll get into those as we go. Also, these are my views and not representative of this house or it's other members.

I use the term "vanillia" in regards to "average". I have never met someone who didn't like something "kinky" in the bedroom. So "vanillia" for me is someone who likes perhaps a little light play along the lines of hair pulling, scratching, or even dirty talking. Nothing most people would consider kinky, and the use of the term is in no way a show of disrespect. Vanillia is one of the most popular ice cream flavors, and everyone is entitled to whatever toppings they like on it. I just happen to prefer something else. My something else is no better or worse. Just different.

Now, what kind of pleasure can one get from masochistic play? Well, from what I've read it has a lot to do with brain chemicals. When hurt the brain releases endorphins to help deal with the pain. They cause a feeling of well being when the body is under exercise, stress, pain, excitement, orgasm, or love. Yep, that same stuff that gives you that high during NRE is the same stuff that's released during pain play. Now what people don't often see is that during masocist play, the person doing the beating works their way up to the heavier stuff. Start off light to build up the release of those endorphins, and as they get flowing work their way up from there to cause the release of more and more of those sweet little chemicals. Some people are okay with starting harder then others. It's a matter of learning limits, both for starting and where to build up with. Everyone has a limit, it's just a matter of finding where it is.

Now note that in above there was no mention of sadism or D/s. I know a few masochists that are not into D/s play, at least in a traditional way. I also know a few that have non-sadist partners who, because it pleases the other half, have learned how to "beat" the masochist half.

Now on to submission! Now I'll admit as a dominant I don't totally understand the appeal of submission 100%. I mean, I can understand it on an intellectual level, but I'll never just get it like some people do. However I do have several submissive friends and had many many long talks about this topic. What it boils down to is the reason people submit to another is deeply personal. Some do it because they enjoy the feeling of having someone stronger then them over them, some do it because they get off of it in the bedroom, some do it simply because it feels natural.

I've seen talk of BDSM relationships come up on the thread so I'm going to touch on my perspective on those as well. They are relationships. All relationships, even BDSM ones revolve around communication and, often, a little give and take from both sides. Only in Total Power Exchange relationships does it go one way (and I have very strong, negative views on those 97% of the time). Communication is also a key part of play, no matter the type.

Communication is VITAL to anything BDSM related. I can not stress this enough. From expectations, to limits, to turn-ons, to kinks, to the safe-word. All of it needs to be communicated and understood. Communication getting to know each other. Communication during play (especially early in the relationship). Post play communication. Communication between sessions. All of it is vital to keeping it alive and moving in a positive and healthy direction. Of course, the same could be said of any relationship, but in my experience BDSM acts as a forge for emotions, amplifying them and honing them to an edge, so communication in my mind is a lot more vital.

Of course, that's just scratching the surface of it all, and from the side I don't personally do. I'm not a masochist, nor am I a submissive, but I've done homework and I hope it helped even a little. Don't be afraid to ask anything. Only by learning do we improve understanding. I'll leave off with some final, short thoughts.

The submissive holds the ultimate power. The power of No. In a healthy BDSM relationship if the submissive says no, that's where it stops.

It's not about abuse, it's about love. The love two people share when they give fully and completely of themselves to the other person.

[ray]

@ Indie, Thanks! I enjoyed your recent long post. See, you've done "kinky" things that i'd be terrified to try. Cum freaks me out, hardcore lol. It's one of those things I'm not really sure how I'll integrate into sex happily. Guess i'll figure it out eventually. Perhaps because i've never actually seen it. But still, the idea of it makes me anxious. Yet, I've been tied up, beat till I'm black and blue and electrocuted (not all on the same night!) lol. I like floggers and takedown/capture scenes and interrogation. I don't think that being kinky is a contest where one of us gets to be more kinky. There is a whole spectrum. You don't have to be a masochist or a sadist to be kinky. You don't have to like needles or floggers or leather. There is one girl I know and the main thing she likes to be a puppy. You really can pick and choose what you like. And it's a lot about the creativity. It sounds like you're pretty creative in bed and i'm sure your partners love it!

And you certainly don't have to assume a "kinky" identity. Although if you did, any guy you take home would have no right to assume that he knows what you are and aren't into without asking you first just because you said you were kinky. I think many people are more kinky than they perceive themselves as being. I wish it didn't have to be so black and white where there are kinks and vanillas. I think it's more of a spectrum at the end of the day. I would be pretty hesitant to date a 10 mins with the lights off missionary kind of guy but that's because we're at very different places on the spectrum.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by RunicWolf

I use the term "vanillia" in regards to "average". I have never met someone who didn't like something "kinky" in the bedroom.

Okay, I think I'm getting it.

Originally Posted by ray

It sounds like you're pretty creative in bed and i'm sure your partners love it!

Well, yes. *blush* Shorty used to say I was a "spirited lover."

Originally Posted by ray

I think many people are more kinky than they perceive themselves as being. I wish it didn't have to be so black and white where there are kinks and vanillas. I think it's more of a spectrum at the end of the day.

Okay, good way to think about it.

I think what I find off-putting, f'rinstance, is like on OKCupid -- when someone says in their profile that's what they're looking for right off the bat. I can only feel comfortable being "a little kinky" after I know someone and we have enough trust between us. So it makes me want to stay away from guys who are so out about it, because I don't want to be in a position of deflecting away any kinky advances I wouldn't want being directed toward me. I once made the mistake of getting a little kinky with a guy on our first date and it felt really shitty.

It just seems like during the 12 years or so that passed while I was with my ex, people have become so much more into labeling and defining and "specializing." I don't recall people announcing how kinky they were before going on a date with someone back when I was single. Oh, no doubt, I know the BDSM community was out there and I wasn't so naive not to know about dungeons back then, but back then (and I guess the internet being fairly "new" back then also plays a part in this), the "single ads" for "those kinds" of people had their own special page in the back of the Village Voice, if you know what I mean. Seeing it so often nowadays, I kind of take it as a warning, I guess. I don't want to be with someone who can't have plain old, vanilla sex at all, ever. I went to a party once and some guy introduced himself to me, "Hi, I'm a switch, my name is ___." When someone IDs a certain way, and informs me how he likes to have sex before he tells me his name (LOL), it would seem like that's the most important thing to them and I would rather be with people for whom a solid healthy relationship is most important.

But this thread has been pretty informative.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by ray

Cum freaks me out, hardcore lol. It's one of those things I'm not really sure how I'll integrate into sex happily. Guess i'll figure it out eventually. Perhaps because i've never actually seen it.

Well, I started having sex back in the 70s, before we had to worry about safe sex and condoms, and getting sticky with cum all over us was de rigueur. I feel such a sense of freedom when fluids are mingled together on each other's bodies. So cumming on my boobs, no big deal for me. I miss the days when we didn't have to be afraid of that and disease.