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  #11  
Old 10-03-2011, 07:03 AM
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Many people talk with me about their relationships. (I suspect they assume a happy poly that's not in a straight-jacket must know how relationships work.). Of the monos, almost every one expressing a sex drive disparity has a female with a higher drive. This makes me wonder if societally we've programmed women to think their default is much lower than it really is.

In any case, your drive is what it is. You'll have to manage it regardless if what your relationship(s) look like. Polyamory isn't necessarily a good answer to a high sex drive. Heck, poly takes a lot if work at times, and some of thise times you might just really be wanting a good and thorough fucking.

You might want to start by asking what it is you're really after. Are you interested in one or more additional relationships? Then poly might be your thing. Are you interested in one or more additional sexual partners? Then swinging (or a open relationship) might be your thing. The right answer is what works for you, but in what you wrote, it seemed to me like the emphasis was on attraction and physical desires and less on connection and emotional togetherness. Poly and swinging are basically two areas on the long spectrum of relationships, but each has its own quirks.

Realistically speaking, I see a lot of theory and little practice. The poly approach tends to emphasize communication. Thus, think about how you feel and what you want, and then talk it over with your partner. If things seem like they could work, take small steps until you are comfortable.

Best of luck.
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  #12  
Old 10-03-2011, 07:17 AM
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I think this is a case where your age is a factor. Quite simply, the more experience you have in relationships, and in managing multiple relationships, the more adept and confident you will become. It's quite okay at your age to not know something and to feel a bit apprehensive yet nervously excited about something you've never tried before. The 20s are meant to be about exploring and finding out who you are, you don't have to have all the answers yet. Just be smart, considerate, and take the steps forward that you feel comfortable with, and every now and then push up against a boundary, take a risk, and see how it feels.

About this:
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Originally Posted by sadibird View Post
We're both very careful about our relationship as we've both lived through the crap of our respective parents' divorces and don't want to repeat their mistakes (lying, deliberately hurting each other, cheating, being unwilling to compromise).
While it's very valuable to see the lessons in your parents' relationships, be careful that you don't start constructing your life around "not being them." Whenever we make up our minds to "not be like our parents," it's very easy to fall into the trap of shaping who and what and how we are as the opposite of them, or as a rebellion against what they did, which turns out to be, essentially, the same thing. It's just the flip side of the same coin, and ultimately, what we resist, persists. So, just try to stay open to finding out what works for YOU, what makes YOU happy, and treating others how YOU want to be treated, rather than just making sure you are avoiding what they did. Capisce?
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  #13  
Old 10-03-2011, 02:49 PM
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I'm thinking that co-dependency does come from the experience the two of you had around your parents. Maybe you are clinging to one another. You can love and be with someone deeply without that but if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. It sounds like you experienced some trauma and that takes time to heal from. I suggest backing right up and working on breaking out on your own in other areas of life first. If you can do that with success in terms of staying connected and building strength through independence then I think THEN might be the time to act on your crushes.
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  #14  
Old 10-03-2011, 05:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sagency View Post

In any case, your drive is what it is. You'll have to manage it regardless if what your relationship(s) look like. Polyamory isn't necessarily a good answer to a high sex drive. Heck, poly takes a lot if work at times, and some of thise times you might just really be wanting a good and thorough fucking.
THIS. Good wording here.


At OP : You have the right to be a 'in-betweenie' too. Someone who wants a true friend, mutual respect, maybe a crush, and some really great sex. You can have a connection with someone, without wanting the entire poly lifestyle.
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  #15  
Old 10-03-2011, 06:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zenferno View Post
NRE definitely gave me "tunnel vision" when I started getting serious with Paramour and it started to hurt my marriage. I've learned to reinvest NRE into my relationship with my wife and she loves it! You could try it while you're still in the fantasy stage and see how it pans out for you.
There was a thread back on here in July, where a new to poly couple, was having a problem with a partner getting tunnel vision over a new relationship, and it may have very well ended their marriage, based on the last messages posted.
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  #16  
Old 10-04-2011, 05:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sagency View Post
In any case, your drive is what it is. You'll have to manage it regardless if what your relationship(s) look like. Polyamory isn't necessarily a good answer to a high sex drive. Heck, poly takes a lot if work at times, and some of thise times you might just really be wanting a good and thorough fucking.

You might want to start by asking what it is you're really after. Are you interested in one or more additional relationships? Then poly might be your thing. Are you interested in one or more additional sexual partners? Then swinging (or a open relationship) might be your thing. The right answer is what works for you, but in what you wrote, it seemed to me like the emphasis was on attraction and physical desires and less on connection and emotional togetherness. Poly and swinging are basically two areas on the long spectrum of relationships, but each has its own quirks.
This makes sense. The previous attractions were more than just attractions. I'm a little shy sometimes about details, so perhaps I should have mentioned that these are both friends whom I love dearly. It felt very much like the NRE I experienced with my partner when we first met.

I don't feel like I need to be polyamorous. I'm mostly feeling like I have this high sex drive, I am attracted to other people, and at the same time don't feel like I have the ability focus on more than one person at a time. Sometimes I feel like I just want to put my man in a cryogenic facility for a few years so I can explore and not have to worry about neglecting our relationship.

Maybe I'm overthinking it. I do that a lot. I feel that (in my perfect world), relationships should be about sex, love, friendship, and no drama about whether or not you bought someone something for valentines day or what anyone else thinks.

I know I'm going to have to find some way to explore the part of myself that is attracted to/loves women at some point, and I know that if I ignore that it's probably going to bite me in the ass.
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  #17  
Old 10-04-2011, 06:14 AM
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I wrestled with sex drive disparity over the course of many relationships. In some ways, I still wrestle with it. Being in poly or mono relationships doesn't change that. It's a matter of regulating what I want or need, what a partner or partners can provide, and how to handle the difference (handle being rather important).

That said, it the way you write, it seems to me like you're in a bit of a mono/poly limbo. I took me years to accept my poly nature though I had a history of poly relationships since my early adulthood. You seem to be stuck between mono programming and poly emotions, and it's not clear if this is you shedding programming or trying on the emotions.

NRE is something that happens regardless of whether a relationship is mono or poly and can happen even with platonic relationships. Just like how life can get in the way of living, it comes down to how you handle what resources you have and how you manage your time.
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  #18  
Old 10-04-2011, 06:22 AM
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It's helpful to hear that I'm not the only one who's dealt with/is dealing with a different sex drive than their partner(s). The only time I've ever heard people discuss it was in the context of, "my gf never wants sex" or "since we had kids, we never have sex" etc.
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  #19  
Old 10-04-2011, 11:34 AM
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Hi sadibird, welcome to the board.

From what you have said, I think you should keep your exploration of sexual/intimate feelings to a more limited level until you get your feelings sorted out.

I met my ex husband and commited to him very young, age 19. We got engaged after a couple years, but after the NRE wore off with him, I did find myself getting lots of crushes on other people (men or women) and when that happened, I usually did lose desire for my partner. However, he was extremely jealous, and threatened by my roving eye.

Later in life, I found that my interest in others would also increase my desire for my husband. We had worked thru some of his jealousy issues by then.

I have 3 kids about your age. My oldest who is now 25 had a poly relationship for 5 years, but she found it too complicated to pursue after a while. She broke up with that person and is now mono with a new partner, for now at least. Poly is complicated, and "kids" in their 20s are still doing lots of self-exploration. If you don't know yourself very well, it's hard to be respectful and thoughtful about others. Not impossible, but it takes a lot of work to get to enjoy the considerable benefits.

Maybe you and your fiance can explore polyamorous feelings thru fantasy and role playing for while as you work things out? Be as open and honest as you can, revealing your feelings in a respectful way, and see where it leads down the road.

Lots of women are hornier than their mates. If you need to masturbate a lot when your man is not in the mood, let him know this, and make sure he supports it without guilting you.
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  #20  
Old 10-04-2011, 07:54 PM
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I think sagency and sourgirl hit it on the head. I'm not necessarily interested in poly for myself just wondering how other people have managed a disparity in libido coupled with being bisexual in a hetero relationship.

My partner and I are very supportive of each other - we've decided on what we want from one another and have committed to a life together. We both want kids, we both want to grow old together (we're best friends), but we don't want to be sexually exclusive.

He's more interested in a swinging/casual sex/FWB type thing, and that sounds awesome to me as well except I need to love someone to have sex with them but I don't want to have more than one romantic relationship. It's not about jealousy, it's not about roving eyes - it's about a very high sex drive, a very high population of hot people in my area, and a very supportive partnership. I like it when he sleeps w/ other people - he's happier and brings home more energy for our sex life.

Quote:
Lots of women are hornier than their mates. If you need to masturbate a lot when your man is not in the mood, let him know this, and make sure he supports it without guilting you.
No offense or anything, but masturbation just doesn't cut it. If anything it makes it worse. He doesn't guilt me for it. We're pretty sex-positive.

It's so helpful to have a forum to talk about this on. I don't know anyone who would be as supportive.

Last edited by sadibird; 10-04-2011 at 07:56 PM. Reason: forgot something
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