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  #11  
Old 10-01-2011, 07:08 AM
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Gypsystarrs Gypsystarrs is offline
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Last night after I posted it was amazing to me how much better I felt simply by venting to you wonderful faceless strangers. Not great, still a bit hurt and confused but it really did feel like a loosening in my chest and a burden from my shoulders. Thank you all!

Re: BDSM and/or D/s …we do not “Live” it 24/7 but there are overtones in nearly everything we do. Nine, okay, maybe eight out of ten people would just see us a regular ole vanilla lesbian couple. I am not her slave (not that there is anything wrong with that…I’m just a bit too stubborn and independent to ever be a good slave) but I am submissive to her most of the time. Perhaps it is semantics…I defer to her opinion and/or experience. Even when I am not home and am on assignment I tend to be a follower, I always have been. I will lead, I am capable of leading, I just don’t prefer to do it. S on the other hand is a natural Leader, always has been, and likes it. She can be in a room with 100 complete strangers and before long she is the one that is being looked to for guidance. I have thought about my being a switch but well, I don’t think I want the responsibility of the Top/Dominate position.

Re: communication… I feel free to speak my mind and voice my opinions. If we are “in role” even then… but at that time it is a matter of phrasing. We talk. A lot. When I’m on assignment that is how we communicate. It’s not just about the kids, cats, dogs, bills. Feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears…we talk. We communicate. When I am home we talk. We go for drives and will drive for miles and go nowhere just talking and holding hands. I build a fire on the deck and we talk for hours into the night.

Re: NRE…they have been talking on the phone for months now…at least since early May. S works from home and is by nature of her job on the phone a lot. He was a client. They found each other interesting and business chats became longer and finally S provided her (our) home number. They did not actually see each other the first time until August and I wasn’t home…I was on assignment. It was a coffee date. She and I spoke for hours over days about it…her feelings (nervous, scared, confused---“a dude, really? I’m a lesbian!”) and we spoke of my feelings about it too. I encouraged her to meet him because she was unsure. I told her if there were even a possibility of her going back to his hotel room to make sure and take condoms…always be prepared.

Re: Hotel…my fault. Honestly. I was on assignment. S and I had been talking at length about P…her feelings, her this/ her that. S and I have a transparent honesty agreement. We tell each other everything if not at the exact moment then as soon as we talk next. Therefore we talk a lot about her conversations with P and some of the things they talk about. I was feeling a bit scared and confused…afraid of being replaced (btw, the article on xeromag is awesome…TY) because I got/get the feeling he is more into her than she into him. I said that I’d like to meet him the next time I came home. You know, the boogey man is usually less scary once you see him than depending on one’s imagination…that theory. So, we met for dinner…and breakfast. On the drive home from dinner I lost my shit…we talked about that too.

Neither S or P are calling this a “relationship” as yet...just yesterday he referred to it as “hanging out”—which pissed S off. But then earlier today P tells S that he does not know what this is but “am I falling for you? Yes. Am I ready to call it love? No”. P aka “Mr. Fresh Penis”…thank you SourGirl, is from what I have seen and heard…both second hand and actually speaking to him on the phone twice a nice guy. I honestly do not think or feel Mr. FP (straight, mono) is trying to put asunder the relationship S and I have. He has said as much and I believe him.

I like that they talk and have a good time. I love that they talk about the stuff they talk, debate and argue about…global economics, the fall of the Roman Empire, religion, politics and etc. It’s not my thing and frankly I feel somewhat relieved that S has P to speak to about those things. She is whip smart, cool, rational and logical. Me, not so much…I’m not stupid, I am actually even smart but our interests in conversational topics are no really conducive to the types of debate they have and very much enjoy.

Really S and I have a great relationship. I am madly in love with her. She is not perfect and I do not have her on a pedestal. She is human and has faults just as the rest of us do. She can be an asshole and she knows it; freely admits it. I can be an asshole too.

Re: orgasm control…oh lord I would be in major trouble. No. I’m not under any kind of restriction in that. S has no problem with me using the vibrator or any other methods of masturbation. She has no problem with me seeing someone else either for sex or a relationship.

My main difficulty is the actual physical sex or lack thereof with my partner. I find her incredibly HOT and sexy and well…sex with her is by far the best I have ever had. Ever. Really. I’m just have a hard time dealing with the libido drought in my desert while it’s raining in P’s.
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  #12  
Old 10-01-2011, 02:10 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Hello. Some of the posts from this thread have been copied to the BDSM thread; others have been moved there and deleted from this thread. That is all. Carry on.
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  #13  
Old 10-02-2011, 12:09 AM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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I think people are overthinking this. She's not having sex with you when you visit her; she does have sex with the guy when he visits. That's just hurtful, period. You're not crazy. There IS something going on.

a) Maybe she's lost interest in you and it's time to break up.

b) Maybe she's lost interest in vag. There's nothing you can do about that. Hey, sometimes there are periods where I can't get enough cock, either. Doesn't mean she didn't want you at the start. Women's sexualities can be fluid, etc. etc.

c) Maybe she's lost interest in domming you. It can be a lot of work, and maybe she's not feeling it. Is she dominant with this other guy? Maybe she's not feeling the domme thing right now and the thought of having to do it is making sex daunting.
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  #14  
Old 10-02-2011, 07:50 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Was your sex life okay before this guy came into her life?

I think this could possibly be a crisis of identity for her and a big dose of NRE over having sex with a man and this man in particular. I don't find her actions intentionally cruel, just confused, self involved and not very caring. If you are not home a lot I would think she is used to doing things on her own and has come to expect that.

If I were in your position I would ask her to slow down on this guy until you get your relationship back on track and sort some of these issues out. Some boundaries wouldn't go a miss about what your expectations are around her seeing him and not paying attention to your needs coming up afterwards. I would also get to know the guy and involve him in these conversations. If he is fucking your wife you are entitled to some face time with him, some recognition of your feelings and input in all of it I reckon.
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  #15  
Old 10-02-2011, 11:12 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gypsystarrs View Post
S and I are a lesbian couple that have been together for four years.

I travel and am not home a lot...one and rarely two weeks out of any 3 month time period.

She has a low libido and has made no secret of that since the beginning of our relationship. Mine is "normal" to high. She says she only has so many libidinous chips to spend. Okay. Get that.

What I don't get is why she and I don't have sex on the rare occasions when I am home but she has enough chips to spend on her the guy that she's seeing. Everytime they've seen each other they fuck.

She says she cannot see why I'm upset or hurt that she and I don't have sex or make love or fuck when I am home.
Quoting your OP again.

Gosh, I just want to say, lesbian bed death (with you) and NRE (with him).

I don't know if LBD is a myth or not... I've only been in my first lesbian relationship ever for 2 1/2 years now... but I am always wary of that happening!

You call the place you and S share "home," but if you're only home 1 week every 3 months, that's more like a long distance relationship. Add in she was never that horny to begin with... maybe a dose of testosterone has really got her motor running, however!
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  #16  
Old 10-02-2011, 11:26 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I don't know if LBD is a myth or not... I've only been in my first lesbian relationship ever for 2 1/2 years now... but I am always wary of that happening!
Me too ! You might be happy to know that, based on detailed comparative research, although women-only couples do report less frequent instances of sexual contact than either man-woman couples or men-only couples, they come more frequently during sexual encounters and report higher overall satisfaction levels with their sex lives than either of two comparison groups. The early studies reporting LBD were very focused on counting the frequencies of sexual contact, whereas if we take Kinsey's original definition of sex as "touching that leads to sexual release", women-only couples have more sex than others !

Statistics aside, as the OP said, when the sex happens, it's fan-tastic. I think this a rather general mismatch of libidos question that mono couples face all the time - after all, in mono relationships the less interested party can still wank or consume porn and spend their energies there.

If you have to travel for work, OP, maybe it's time to consider some downshifting?
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  #17  
Old 10-02-2011, 01:07 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Me too ! You might be happy to know that, based on detailed comparative research, although women-only couples do report less frequent instances of sexual contact than either man-woman couples or men-only couples, they come more frequently during sexual encounters and report higher overall satisfaction levels with their sex lives than either of two comparison groups. The early studies reporting LBD were very focused on counting the frequencies of sexual contact, whereas if we take Kinsey's original definition of sex as "touching that leads to sexual release", women-only couples have more sex than others !
Thanks for detailing the male-skewed stats! OK, so say a MF couple has sex 3 times a week. That's 3 Os for the guy, however many for the woman. However, a FF couple has sex once a week, with 5 Os for each girl. They've had "more" sex than the het guy (but maybe less than the F in the MF couple, if she had at least 2 Os per session)? hehe. Cool.

My case is complicated because miss pixi is a (pre-op) transwoman. (We are a rare breed, cis-gendered [gender-queer] woman with a MtF woman.) Once in a while, during a session she may cum (without an emission), and then cum again later and squirt. Usually she just cums once, but before cumming, seems to get more all-over body pleasure, as a woman would as compared to a man, before actually cumming.

Our stretches of no sex seem to come from her anxiety issues. When something new crops up in her life, good or bad, it consumes her energy for a week or 3, and she loses her sex drive. I always panic (LBD!! Oh noes!!!), but then she sorts her issues out and always comes around again, to almost daily sex. I've been training myself to expect these dry patches and learn how to cope without panicking and loss of self esteem from feeling non-desirable when they happen.

Quote:
Statistics aside, as the OP said, when the sex happens, it's fan-tastic. I think this a rather general mismatch of libidos question that mono couples face all the time - after all, in mono relationships the less interested party can still wank or consume porn and spend their energies there.
Of course there is hetero bed death as well!

Back to the OP:

Quote:
If you have to travel for work, OP, maybe it's time to consider some downshifting?
If possible?
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me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #18  
Old 10-02-2011, 05:20 PM
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I found in my lesbian relationships that there was far more touching and closeness over all than in my hetro ones. I was always like a school girl with her best friend... faces close and whispering stuff that only her and I knew about. Inside jokes abound. With my relationships with men there is none of that. We sit apart, chat and joke with those around us and generally only come together when we have sex... at least after the relationship is established. At the beginning there has been lots of touching in both lesbian and hetro relationships due to NRE.

Men are different than us women. Relationships between men and women are different than women and women as a result. I would think that she is enjoying that right now as much as anything else going on. That doesn't mean she isn't enjoying the relationship she has with the OP. Its just different and established.
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