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  #21  
Old 10-29-2009, 12:31 AM
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Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
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Originally Posted by violet View Post
This is very much how I feel. I don't think that my ring is my ENTIRE MARRIAGE at all. I am, however, HUGE on symbolism. In fact, the idea of getting 3 rings for HMA, Anne, and I to wear was MY idea in the first place! It was a SYMBOL of our commitment to one another. It doesn't even have to be a ring. It could be a necklace, a tattoo, anything.

My ring is a symbol of the promise made to marry me, and when I have a wedding ring, it's a symbol of the vows I took. That symbolism is VERY important to me.
Me too. 100%

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Originally Posted by violet View Post
This is very much how Anne thinks. I don't. I can get my head around that way of thinking, but I don't agree with it at all. Especially the way of thinking that polyamory and monogamy are so different. In my mind, they aren't. Our triad is made of 6 separate but complementary monogamous relationships, as far as I'm concerned. Each of us as a person having a "monogamous" relationship with the other. I explained it to HMA last night, and it's a REALLY complicated way of thinking - but it's just how I'm wired. lol It's tough to get out in a concise manner. I'm not even gonna try any further than I have. Suffice it to say that polyamory didn't "reconfigure" the way I view love or relationships. At all. I definitely appreciate the input, and because it SO clearly defines how Anne seems to think, it gives me something to talk about with her. Maybe we'll understand one another better!
Again this. Perhaps I am Monogamously wired. And I was just lucky to love two people. Cause I dont seem to see things the way some others do... But Maybe its just the label I don't fit.
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  #22  
Old 10-29-2009, 12:35 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl View Post
To me it sounds like you think it IS a case of All or none when it comes to "marriage". To me it sounds like that you think that Violet is wrong/inconsiderate for wanting that symbol of commitment.
I'm not sure where you're getting that from, especially since I said specifically that there aren't any right or wrong answers in this but things to consider. I never laid out an all or nothing case either. I haven't spoken at all about commitment levels or symbols in this thread. I've merely brought up the legal disadvantage that can exist in triads. I'm just laying out some realities, not judgments. I get the sense that you have a problem with my posts in general, but that doesn't need to take up this thread.
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  #23  
Old 10-29-2009, 12:57 AM
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Honestly ..Its because all your considering in that post are the legal remifications. Which as I pointed out can be very easily solved.

When it comes to commitment and the symbol of said commitment, Legalities are irrelevent. Think of it from Vi's point of vew. HMA asked her to be his wife. Commitment number one. When they get married that commitment is replaced by the commitment they make in those vows. INSPITE of the LEGAL commitment they make an emotional commitment to each other. When you chose to have children with someone its a emotional and physical commitment for life. The big picture.
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I donít get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~
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  #24  
Old 10-29-2009, 01:06 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl View Post
Honestly ..Its because all your considering in that post are the legal remifications. Which as I pointed out can be very easily solved.
Actually, no. At first I talked about the possibility of letting go of the idea of equal. Then the marriage was brought up again, at which point I pointed out another perspective around that. And those legalities aren't easily solved for everybody.

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Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl View Post
it comes to commitment and the symbol of said commitment, Legalities are irrelevent. Think of it from Vi's point of vew. HMA asked her to be his wife. Commitment number one. When they get married that commitment is replaced by the commitment they make in those vows. INSPITE of the LEGAL commitment they make an emotional commitment to each other. When you chose to have children with someone its a emotional and physical commitment for life. The big picture.

Again, I'm not downplaying any piece of the emotional commitment by talking about the legal issues. I'm also not dismissing Violet's point of view in this. Bringing up another side to it does not equal invalidating her side. That's part of looking at the big picture. And yes, legal commitment and emotional commitment are two different things, I've never disputed that. But try telling a same sex couple struggling in a system that doesn't allow them the privileges of marriage that the legalities are irrelevant. Looking at the big picture does not mean dismissing the little things that can be issues.
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  #25  
Old 10-29-2009, 01:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Actually, no. At first I talked about the possibility of letting go of the idea of equal. Then the marriage was brought up again, at which point I pointed out another perspective around that. And those legalities aren't easily solved for everybody.
Yes and spoke about being Fair. Unfortunately, As you pointed out there is no fairness in the legal constitution that is marriage. Sucks but thats how it is. To me its a personal thing I guess. One commitment and One commitment. To Different Commitments BOTH very important. Not easy but when you make a commitment you do what you need to make it work. Big Picture. Life isn't always fair and equal. Nothing is. You do what works for you and those you love.

The SYMBOL of a wedding ring is important to some. Not all. I think its a personal thing. And I think that voicing those feelings to everyone involved and disscussing why its important to you is the best way to achieve balance.
__________________
I donít get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~
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  #26  
Old 10-29-2009, 01:32 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl View Post
The SYMBOL of a wedding ring is important to some. Not all. I think its a personal thing. And I think that voicing those feelings to everyone involved and disscussing why its important to you is the best way to achieve balance.
*sigh* I honestly don't think you're hearing what I'm saying. And I shouldn't have spent this much of the thread clarifying what I'm saying and defending against reactions to things I'm *not* saying.

I'm done with this part of the conversation.
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  #27  
Old 10-29-2009, 01:41 AM
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Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
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You and Me both.
__________________
I donít get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~
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  #28  
Old 10-29-2009, 05:12 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
I give you this:

I don't wear a ring. Steve and I don't even HAVE rings.

It freaks some people out.

Our marriage is a piece of paper. It's a legal thing, a social contract that says we are each other's closest relative by choice.

Our relationship is neither a piece of jewelry nor a piece of paper.

It boggles my mind the way a lot of women think that their ring IS their marriage, and when they lose their ring, it's like the end of the world as we know it.

I think there is far too much emphasis placed on rings and weddings, very much like sex can focus too much on orgasms.

That's enough from me for now.

I hope you folks can work it out.
On that note-if I lost the rings-that wouldn't send me into a tailspin.

I just can't stand being told what to do about something as trivial as what I choose to wear.. or not wear.

Interestingly enough as I don't wear my rings at home and I don't wear them to work out-it tends to be only once every week or two for a few hours (out for dinner or out on a date or something) that I wear mine. But I keep them in a special place.

Maca on the other hand-he's VERY anal about his ring. It's on his hand ALL the time and it means a LOT to him.
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  #29  
Old 10-29-2009, 06:14 AM
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Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Maca on the other hand-he's VERY anal about his ring. It's on his hand ALL the time and it means a LOT to him.
Me too. Even losing over a hundred pounds..Its miles too big. I wear a different ring to keep it from slipping off.
__________________
I donít get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~
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  #30  
Old 10-29-2009, 07:39 AM
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Both Sea and I are sitting here reading your post. Our hearts are breaking for you. Marriage is a huge committment. No... wearing a ring on your left hand doesn't automatically symbolize that committment, but damn if it isn't a reason you wear it. None of the three of us wear wedding bands. Sea and Tommy are married, but neither wear a ring. This summer we decided to have three rings, and our own vows. Those rings are worn on our right hands. Our claddagh's symbolize, love, loyality and friendship. This fall we had a really bad falling out, Tommy took off his ring. For him this ring we all share, was so much more then just friendship, love and loyalty.

Sweetie speaking here: If Sea and Tommy were to wear wedding rings, I wouldn't have a problem with it. If Tommy told Sea she had to take her ring off, because we are now a three... he wouldn't go to sleep and wake up. He wouldn't have to worry about Sea. He would have to worry about me. A wedding ring on your left hand is connected to your heart. It is a circle with no end. It symbolizes marriage. It's supposed to. The two of them wearing a ring on their left hand, takes nothing away from the rings we wear on the right. That's why we are a three. All three together. Loving each other. As a wedding ring shows love between a husband and wife, the claddagh we wear on the right, shows the love we share for each other.

Sea speaking here: Tommy and I haven't worn our wedding rings for many years. That says nothing for our love for each other. We know what our love for each other is, and a ring doesn't say it all. We have stopped wearing our rings for totally different reasons. (Weight lifting crushes them...etc) Our love is no less then it ever was. Our claddagh rings, on the other hand, don't mean any more or less to us, they have just taken us to a new chapter in our lives. Our love for one another (Tommy and I) has not diminished in any way. The rings between the three of us symbolizes the here and now, for me, the marriage vows have been superceded ( by choice ) We are three, plain and simple, we have three rings, three hearts, and now...three times the love!

Violet, you deserve to have your wedding ring, HMA is marrying you! If you want a ring that symbolizes your triad, then by all means you should have one, but that shouldn't take away from that ring that you wear on your left hand that is connected to your heart. A ring on the right hand, also connects to your heart, just by a different route!

Wearing it on your right takes away from no-one, it just shows the committment to all three.
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