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  #11  
Old 09-25-2011, 10:15 PM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
Oh. Well, that is quite a different matter. Are you saying that your partner is seeing someone who's in a mono relationship?
No, but there was one instance... :/
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  #12  
Old 09-28-2011, 06:25 AM
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Rules to me are set in stone and will not be changed. Discussing and agreeing on boundaries means that we are all working together and that things might morph into something else as time goes on and circumstance changes. I prefer the fluidity of that myself.

As for what happens when someone breaks a rule? Well, that would be a deal breaker for me when I think of what I consider rules (ie. sleeping with someone unprotected and then having sex with me unprotected and not telling me). Then again, its all circumstantial really.

I think if a boundary is crossed then its a matter of getting back to the drawing board and hashing out what happened, the possibility of a change having occurred that warrants agreeing to new boundaries and working through the emotions that follow. I like to think that boundary breaking is not a deal breaker, but a cry for change or better understanding.
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  #13  
Old 09-28-2011, 06:27 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by cuddlecakes View Post
Meaning that before she goes on a first date with someone, I should know about it, and know what she knows about him so far.
I would expect that she'd mention anybody she was interested in as a matter of normal conversation. The same as I'd mention anybody interesting I run into during the day ("I met a man with a peg leg today...."), I mention to Curly anybody I've met that I think I might be interested in. Why would anybody need a rule to talk about who they find interesting?

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I should know whether they've been talking on the phone every day and flirting heavily, or that they've only written back and forth a few times and their messages are purely formal. .
Why do you feel the need for that? What difference does it make to you? Your partner finds somebody interesting enough to make a date--what does it matter if the person has been texting hourly for a week or emailing daily for a couple of months?
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  #14  
Old 09-29-2011, 12:21 PM
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Originally Posted by cuddlecakes View Post
Oh, it should be phrased: "No dating people in monogamous relationships" (= the other person is cheating)
Oh yes, definitely. If your partner dated a guy who was cheating on his partner with her, that is totally unethical and not in line with poly basics.

Quote:

But yeah, there is also something like "People you date have to respect our relationship and at least be open to non-monogamy", which should not be hard to follow either.
We do have to look out for cowboys and cowgirls, people who seem cool with dating a poly person, but are really looking to get them away from their primary and into a mono relationship with them.


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Meaning that before she goes on a first date with someone, I should know about it, and know what she knows about him so far. I should know whether they've been talking on the phone every day and flirting heavily, or that they've only written back and forth a few times and their messages are purely formal. It's not about what I know about my dates. It's knowing about the other person's dates.
Do you live with your partner? If you do, wouldnt you notice if she was IMing/phoning a lot or not? Wouldnt you just kind of gather how excited she was about this or that guy?
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  #15  
Old 09-30-2011, 04:39 AM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
I would expect that she'd mention anybody she was interested in as a matter of normal conversation.
She volunteers information sometimes, but I have to ask other times. I am trying to encourage her. (On the other hand, I promptly forget a third of what she tells me...)

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Why do you feel the need for that? What difference does it make to you? Your partner finds somebody interesting enough to make a date--what does it matter if the person has been texting hourly for a week or emailing daily for a couple of months?
Maybe it doesn't make a difference to you, but one thing I've noticed is that surprises really hurt me; feel like cheating even if they're not. If I'm expecting her to be out with coworkers and she spontaneously meets up with a guy afterward, I am hurt by the surprise of it. She can't always tell me about dates before they happen, because sometimes they're legitimately spontaneous, but she *can* tell me that she's crushing on someone, being asked out a lot by someone, exchanging naked pics with someone, etc. so that when I find out about other things that have happened, they are not unexpected. As long as I have realistic expectations, my feelings seem to work out well. If my expectations are... exceeded, I feel betrayed (regardless of whether she actually did anything wrong).

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Oh yes, definitely. If your partner dated a guy who was cheating on his partner with her, that is totally unethical and not in line with poly basics.
Nah, not dated. Just drunkenly made out with an engaged friend after admitting their crushes on each other after his bachelor party. That was our biggest fight, several months ago. This weekend she clearly apologized for that and said it was wrong (yet simultaneously "doesn't regret it"? o_O)

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cowboys and cowgirls, people who seem cool with dating a poly person, but are really looking to get them away from their primary and into a mono relationship with them.
Good term! Is that in common usage?

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Do you live with your partner? If you do, wouldnt you notice if she was IMing/phoning a lot or not? Wouldnt you just kind of gather how excited she was about this or that guy?
We don't live together, so no. And (ideally) she's not spending our whole time together texting with other guys, so the only way I can know that she has a crush on a coworker and hangs out with him every day after work and would accept if he put the moves on her is if she tells me.
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  #16  
Old 09-30-2011, 12:27 PM
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Gosh, cuddles, I hate to say this, but I am getting the impression she's keeping you around as the long suffering "nice guy" who offers security and a safe home base, while she goes out making out with and banging the forbidden bad boys.

2 drunken escapes (and she doesn't regret them)?

Yes, cowgirl/boy is a poly term. We have a glossary here, you might want to check it out.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1720
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  #17  
Old 10-01-2011, 12:54 AM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Gosh, cuddles, I hate to say this, but I am getting the impression she's keeping you around as the long suffering "nice guy" who offers security and a safe home base, while she goes out making out with and banging the forbidden bad boys.
I am a nice guy!

Eh, there may be some truth to that, but I think you're stereotyping.

Yes, she's more of a primary/secondary "open relationship" person, and I'm more of a poly "three serious girlfriends" person? But that's compatible as long as we communicate, right? Also we're both still exploring, so maybe we will change our models with experience.

This latest new guy definitely fits some of the bad boy archetype (except for the whole PhD thing...) I moan about how much better he is than me, and she laughs and says she doesn't care about most of the things I perceive as threatening.

I felt mostly fine, even happy, about her seeing him last night because 1. This time I knew about it beforehand. 2. She spent the previous day at my place cuddling and reassuring and talking about stuff.

After the date she always calls and tells me how it went. Said she was so attached to me during the day she was having second thoughts about seeing him, was annoyed that he didn't show up on time, etc. It's not as threatening as I always fear it to be.

I do think of myself as a beta male, because my personality is so shy/meek/stable/cuddly. She calls me her "secret alpha male", though, brags to her dates about me, and several of them have expressed an interest in being cuckolded by me, which is... kinda backwards. o_O

But now we're way off-topic.



So "boundaries", "guidelines", "rules", ... What I want is more like "rationales" and "solutions" or something. But those are dumb names. Like "Rationale: Action X makes person A feel bad emotion Y. Solution: Therefore, we agree to only do X under condition Z." Then it's not like a context-free "buckle up or else" authoritarian rule that rebels feel an urge to break, and the consequences of "breaking" it are plain as day: person A will feel bad emotion Y.

Last edited by cuddlecakes; 10-01-2011 at 12:57 AM.
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  #18  
Old 10-01-2011, 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by cuddlecakes View Post
I am a nice guy!

Eh, there may be some truth to that, but I think you're stereotyping.
If the shoe fits...

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This latest new guy definitely fits some of the bad boy archetype (except for the whole PhD thing...) I moan about how much better he is than me...
Big mistake! Check your self esteem.

Case in point: my gf miss pixi has a bf. (I'm a woman.)

M is tall, about 6'2." She feels so feminine walking around in public with him!!

He's rich, makes 200G a year!! I have a much smaller income. His apartment is bigger and nice than mine. He can afford to take her out to dinner whenever he feels like it.

He wears kilts with boots!!

He is originally from Spain and has a small but delightful Spanish accent!! A dashing Spaniard!!

He's only 35, to miss pixi's 34. I am 56.

He's a techno-savvy geek (like miss pixi). I'm pretty lame in that department.

He's massively endowed in the lap!!

Does this make me feel he is "better" than me? No way. I am well aware of my gifts and compatibility with her. I won't list my good qualities here, because that would seem like bragging, but I think I've got better than average self esteem.

Quote:
I felt mostly fine, even happy, about her seeing him last night because 1. This time I knew about it beforehand. 2. She spent the previous day at my place cuddling and reassuring and talking about stuff.

After the date she always calls and tells me how it went. Said she was so attached to me during the day she was having second thoughts about seeing him, was annoyed that he didn't show up on time, etc. It's not as threatening as I always fear it to be.
Well, good. Maybe continued evidence of the reality of her guys (they aren't perfect, neither are you, everyone is just human with the gifts and their annoying quirks and hangups) will eventually sink in with you.

Quote:
I do think of myself as a beta male, because my personality is so shy/meek/stable/cuddly. She calls me her "secret alpha male", though, brags to her dates about me, and several of them have expressed an interest in being cuckolded by me, which is... kinda backwards. o_O

But now we're way off-topic.
Well, I think your topic is a coverup for your real fears of being "lesser" than any Tom Dick or Harry she might happen to kiss once or twice.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 10-01-2011 at 12:50 PM.
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  #19  
Old 10-01-2011, 02:10 PM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Well, I think your topic is a coverup for your real fears of being "lesser" than any Tom Dick or Harry she might happen to kiss once or twice.
Nope.
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  #20  
Old 10-01-2011, 11:34 PM
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Gosh, CC, in reading through this thread and seeing your rules and the rationales behind them, it seems to me you want to keep a really short leash on your gf and in ways that are somewhat unrealistic or a tad overbearing. It doesn't surprise me that she's broken them.

I think that if you two have agreed to be polyamorous and open, that there has to be some leeway for the unexpected to happen. You say you want information about what's been going on with a guy before she hooks up with him, so that you don't have any surprises because that feel like cheating to you. But how about the possibility that her life is her own and she doesn't need to report back to you every little flirtation that happens. AND instead of wanting some sort of insurance against surprises, accept that there will be surprises. Your feeling hurt by her spontaneously getting together with a guy without you knowing about it beforehand is totally on YOU. She is not hurting you; she is being herself and living her life while you are choosing to feel hurt by it.

You say you've been together for a year. It sounds to me like you both have very different ideas about what kind of relationship you want, and about how you see the relationship you have. You seem more inclined toward poly, while she seems more inclined toward being open. She wants to have certain freedoms to be happy, and you want certain restrictions to be happy. She's tried it your way and couldn't conform to your rules as well as you'd hoped. Maybe you should try it her way and back off from the rule-making and knowing every little thing. It seems some of them are to insure she's safe, but they also seem a little heavy-handed anyway. I don't know why it's necessary that she call you after every date. Mature, responsible behavior doesn't always require reporting back and providing all details before and after. Why isn't it enough to know she's dating other people and will inform you about it if and when she is moved to do so? As long as when she's with you, you have her full attention? Also, do you see other people, too? That might help relieve some of your worrying about her.
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