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Old 09-29-2011, 07:48 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 57
Default Breakdown in communication

My husband and I aren't exactly new to this, but this is the first time in years and years that we're each seeing someone. Things have been going pretty smoothly; I like my husband's girlfriend a lot, and they seem to have a good time together. I have been seeing someone as well; he once dated my husband's girlfriend too. He's a lot younger than me, which is something new for me.

In the course of our relationship, Boyfriend has often mentioned that he thinks I'm more emotionally attached/attracted to him than he is to me. I don't know what to think of this and have told him so. I think he's assuming a lot, and it's very frustrating for me. I feel that I can't express to him (or even really figure out myself) how I feel about him when he has told me that he feels "pressured to behave a certain way" or that he has to sustain "the same level" of attraction, etc., for me at all times.

In my experience, these sorts of things can and do fluctuate. It sounds to me as if he's not sure about being with me, but I don't feel that I have pressured him in any way (and, in fact, he has said that I haven't). We've talked about this a lot, and the last time he brought it up, it was very bad timing for that particular conversation...so I told him that I understood and didn't appreciate it being reiterated again and again.

He then was out of town for a few weeks and we didn't see each other or talk during that time. When he came back, he was very sweet and affectionate, saying he'd missed me and thought about me a lot while he was gone. I had actually been wondering if he was going to break things off with me when he came back; he didn't, but did break up with one of the other people he'd been seeing.

But in the last few weeks, we haven't seen each other at all. He has seemed reluctant to make plans with me, which is upsetting. I sent him a message about this the other day and - here's where the communication breakdown comes in - he got angry about it and didn't respond. Then he called me and told me how he felt. I apologized for the tone of the message and explained that I'd been feeling very lonely and sad, and had been reaching out to a lot of people, very few of whom responded. He said that if he knew this was going to be an intense conversation he wouldn't have called, because he had things to get done.

We hung up, and I sent him a message explaining how I felt and asking for his perspective. I did this because I generally communicate better in writing, and just wanted to get my thoughts down. He then apparently read it, because he called me back a few minutes later, saying "I am not going to have this conversation like that."

I said that we didn't have to have it just then. He started telling me AGAIN that there was a discrepancy in our feelings, etc., and I never wanted to talk about it, and that until I acknowledged that then he didn't know what to do. Also that I made him feel obligated, and that "obligation isn't sexy." I got increasingly frustrated because I feel like he just won't listen to me. Now I have no idea what to do. That was Monday; we haven't talked since. I sent him an article that I thought would interest him...nothing.

I don't know if he broke up with me. I'm sad and frustrated and angry. I have no idea how to handle the whole thing. He once told me "trust your partner" was a good thing to remember - in the context of him liking me and being attracted to me - but I don't think he's doing that at all. Trusting me, I mean.

I wish I could just talk to him face-to-face. I have no idea what's going on. Any advice is welcome. Let me know if any of this needs clarification; I'm all muddled right now, and I'm not sure if it makes sense.
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