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  #11  
Old 09-28-2011, 07:27 PM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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Follow up....

We went out last night and had a great night talking. We identified some things that are certain to be possible causes. The good thing is that she still loves me. She assumed since she could not get aroused I would want to leave her or the marriage should just end but I told her this was wrong.

We identified some possible causes:
  • There are still underlying resentment for hurt we caused each other
  • This problem did not start when she started with her OSO. It started 6 years ago.
  • She can still orgasm but she doesn't get aroused. Example would be "wet" or feel it etc.
  • We introduced toys to her sex life which possibly took the intimacy out of the time spent
  • I have put too much pressure on her to achieve orgasm.
  • I sometimes have been unsupporting of her relationship with her OSO
  • I have not paid enough attention to her recently. Too much OSO and not enough SO.

We both agreed that we have work to do but it's worth the effort because we love each other. I understand that if she is to get that back it has to come naturally and I can't make her feel pressured. I will do what it takes.

It truly was a great evening. We did not end up having sex but she asked. It was a rough day for her because the kids got her up early so I was fine with that.

Now the interesting question. Can she get that back for me while she has an OSO that she is physical with?


She is thinking of cutting the relationship off so she can just work on us but that mean I cut my OSO relationship off. Since this problem did not start with her OSO but with me many years ago I tend to think we don't have to stop.

Oh man this poly stuff is really tough sometimes but very positive. The problem is out, we are talking instead of it hiding for years and possibly ending much worse.

Thoughts?

ps. and a BIG thank you to everyone who replied. I have been really upset about this but thanks to people like you offering support I am able to get help.

Last edited by poobah123; 09-28-2011 at 07:30 PM. Reason: clarification
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  #12  
Old 09-28-2011, 08:21 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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My initial reaction is that you both don't need to stop seeing your OSOs, for several reasons.

First, she doesn't want added pressure. Being monogamous, even temporarily, and focusing on making it hot again between the two of you would seem like a big pressure to me. You might tread carefully and think you're not pressuring, but, it's just too much of a heated topic to not feel on some level that letting go of the OSOs means there must be improvement in this area. Pressure! I think that just finding ways to connect again (on many levels, not just sexually) will be a big help, without making this such a "heavy" issue.

Second, and no less important, it would be disrespectful to your OSOs to ditch them in favor of working on your relationship with your wife. When you get involved with several people, don't they all deserve the same respect and consideration as human beings whom you love and care for? I think it's is a responsibility in poly to not take any of our relationships lightly, and discarding one for another seems to send a message to the OSO that they don't matter. That doesn't mean that your wife doesn't hold a special place in your heart, nor that she can't have special treatment as your primary, but each person should be accorded the respect and honor they deserve as a partner in your life.

I think it would be better all around for both of you to continue connecting in ways that you enjoy being with each other, keep communicating, and bring respect, kindness, caring, and love into all your relationships.
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  #13  
Old 09-28-2011, 08:27 PM
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Slowing down is one thing, maybe saying to the OSO, honey, I'm going to be spending more time and energy on my marriage for a while, so you might be seeing less of me, do you think we can work that out? But what an emotionally harsh thing it would be to do, to drop a partner completely for something that has nothing to with your relationship with them. And how exactly would it help? Good on you for hesitating at that idea.
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  #14  
Old 09-28-2011, 08:39 PM
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I came back to post again because I just had this thought. Totally intuition on my part, but I get the sense that you and your wife need more playfulness and lightheartedness between you. I think that making time to have fun together, just the two of you, without family, day-to-day responsibilities, or other worries of married life, will make a huge difference. I have this image of you taking her to a carnival, buying her a cotton candy, and going for a ride on the Ferris wheel. Do you two have a regular "date night?" If not, I highly recommend!
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  #15  
Old 09-28-2011, 08:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I came back to post again because I just had this thought. Totally intuition on my part, but I get the sense that you and your wife need more playfulness and lightheartedness between you. I think that making time to have fun together, just the two of you, without family, day-to-day responsibilities, or other worries of married life, will make a huge difference. I have this image of you taking her to a carnival, buying her a cotton candy, and going for a ride on the Ferris wheel. Do you two have a regular "date night?" If not, I highly recommend!
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  #16  
Old 09-29-2011, 06:32 AM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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ugh it just gets worse. I forgot to mention that it doesn't help that I have been having erection problems. I am not sure of the cause. I think subconciously could I not be ok with this whole situation? then again life has been stressful for me. Laid off, job search, landed crappy job. money tight. Plus I take Cymbalta which is an anti-depressent for anxiety which could cause this problem.

Either way this inability of mine hit a peak tonight and I just got really angry. Hot flashes. ugh. Just another problem to deal with.

My SO and my OSO know and both are really supportive with this though.
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  #17  
Old 09-29-2011, 06:36 AM
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That sucks. Is there no other anti-depressant you could try? That would be my first thought.
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  #18  
Old 09-29-2011, 12:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poobah123 View Post
Plus I take Cymbalta which is an anti-depressent for anxiety which could cause this problem.
How long have you been on Cymbalta? My partner VanillaIce takes it for chronic pain and although at first, both her libido and ability to get wet and climax were affected, the side effects have minimized now that she's been on it for a while.
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  #19  
Old 09-29-2011, 02:29 PM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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Last night was a breaking point. I have to say my wife came home from being out with her OSO and was SOOOO supportive of me. God it made me feel great.

I think I have been on it for like 5 years. I am starting to ween myself off the medication. I truly feel in my heart that I don't feel like my wife and her OSO are the cause of the problem.

I really believe it's a problem with depression. I really don't like my job even though I am paid well and it's close to home. Just barely making it financially. I digress, these forums are not for these types of problems.

I am still thankful for everyone's support.
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  #20  
Old 09-29-2011, 02:39 PM
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Long-term problems ( disliking a job) can cause a low-grade depression that will eat away at a libidio, or cause 'performance' problems.
A person can become so acquainted with disliking something, that it feels normal. Then its difficult to connect the dots on where the problem stems from.

I`m not a solve-problems-with-drugs kinda gal, though I know some people who definitely need them.
In your case, from what you tell us, I think your body is trying to tell you something. You need to get to the heart of whats troubling you ( you`re already working on that,..good.) and the job situation might be a big factor, as a contributing cause.
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