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Old 09-28-2011, 07:09 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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You've had a lot of good advice here that I would emulate. Some of what I agree with would be that:
  • -the amount of time should not be divided down the middle right away. Pacing is so important. There is no rush and with appropriate pacing the little things come up, like the fact that you are struggling with being alone so much...
  • -I agree that you need to focus on your self now and find the things that make YOU tick. I suggest that you let her know and even encourage her support. She is going to notice the difference when she is available sometimes and you are off to a ballet class It isn't okay for her to rein you in for her convenience.
  • -I don't suggest finding people to date. Dating while feeling sad and lonely and confused just isn't going to be fair to the people you pursue. Pursue when you are at your best and so are you and her.

The thing with our lovely monogamous world (those of us that are brought up in it that is) is that it reinforces co-dependence... it will take some time to reprogram yourself to think in terms of YOU and HER, rather than US. That doesn't mean not doing things together or caring and loving one another, it means standing by each other, witnessing each others lives, walking with each other through life rather than holding each other up, witnessing the world outside of your lives together and carrying each other through life.

You might want to look at the thread on "foundations" to get some ideas about how to create a solid foundation in a poly relationship. You can find it by searching the tags for the word "foundations."
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