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  #231  
Old 09-14-2011, 02:54 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by polycouple View Post
Actually, what am I saying!? He was unfaithful in the first three months of their relationship. He was still married and hadn't told her...though he claimed they were not intimate, but none-the-less that's a HUGE betrayal not to tell you're married. I would think five years would be enough to heal from that, though I have never experienced that kind of betrayal so what do I know....
Interesting. To me, though, starting a relationship like that means they never HAD any trust to begin with... so it's not as much recovering from that as trying to build trust where there is nothing.

Regardless, I could make guesses all day as to what's going on with their relationship and that wouldn't help at all as they are only just guesses! I'm thinking that maybe the best thing you can do for yourself is to focus back on YOU. Figure out what you want, what you need, maybe learn a little bit about yourself and why you make the choices you do. And spend some time grieving the loss of the previous relationship. Let yourself feel that loss so you can move through it and come out the other side.

Maybe this was just a big smack on the head that it's time to focus on yourself for a while. For me, the trials and tribulations I went through this year were what it took for me to figure out I needed to get some clarity on myself and do the work I'd been putting off. Had things not been so dire, I would have put off the work further. Sometimes things have to get bad enough and kick us out of our comfort zone and away from our distractions in order for us to have the incentive to do that work.
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  #232  
Old 09-14-2011, 03:04 PM
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I would think five years would be enough to heal from that, though I have never experienced that kind of betrayal so what do I know....
I would bet a lot of buttons, that there are two old sayings, that play in the back of her head. Things we are all taught.

' If he`ll do it with you, he`ll do it to you.'

and ;

' Once a cheater, always a cheater. '

For that reason, she could possibly always be on guard.
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  #233  
Old 09-15-2011, 09:59 PM
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The suggestions you have had here are great I think. I agree that you would do better to focus on yourself at this time. It sound like they have some stuff to work on in many areas.

This is sounding like it is turning into a friendship. She doesn't want you to spend alone time with him, you don't seem interested in being romantic with her, neither are available to spend time with right now and he seems to be unavailable entirely. It sounds like this went way too fast and imploded.

I think if I were in your circumstance I would negotiate alone time with both of them and together time. Regular date times that are discussed and followed through with until something changes. If you are only interested in him... then this is a vee and it might suit to start treating it as such (or did I miss something there). Spending date time with him and social time with both of them is what I would suggest. Why beat around the bush trying to make this something that is it isn't. If it ends up being a friendship, so be it. If the bonds deepen, so be it. One thing is for sure as far as I am concerned, time to slow right down.

It sounds like she is likely to be confrontational about alone time with him for you. So I think I would prepare to put my foot down about this. It is completely unreasonable to not have that as an option. Either you can agree to it and suck up how you feel, or not and she will have to suck up how she feels, or you can end the relationship. Private time is one of the most important things... actually, there is really no point I can see, for the long haul, that would make a dynamic such as yours work any other way.

What I am suggesting is to take the emotion out of this and make it scheduled in time slots. The emotion can come during those time slots. That way, you can sort out your life and look forward to scheduled dates and so can they; no expectations, no assumptions; some time to sort stuff out personally and time to let nature unravel what will be.

I think one text a day is reasonable... that can be negotiated too. If they don't text and you want to say hi, text them! There is nothing more damaging that expecting texts and not getting them... you create your own drama with that one I think.
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  #234  
Old 09-16-2011, 03:28 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Polycouple......I was in a poly relationship for a short time with an established couple. It wasn't a triad in that he and I were a couple and he and she were a couple. She and I weren't. Anyhow, I moved to be closer to them and because I wanted to live in a warmer climate. I spent the first month living with them (as we had all agreed on ahead of time) to give me time to find my own place in the new area. (I had a job in the new area BEFORE I moved.) My new job was a little over an hour from where they lived. I found a place to rent and moved out at the end of one month. I chose to rent a place in the town where my new job was so I didn't have to commute so far.

He reassured me that while we certainly couldn't see each other everyday like when I was living with them, we could certainly touch base a few times a week. (I didn't come into the relationship as a "secondary". I had been clear I wanted to be another primary and he agreed with that.) Well that never happened after I moved out. In fact, I never saw him/them once a week much less more often. I missed them deeply. It was such a loss to have such closeness and then it was gone. They encouraged me to "find some of my own friends" where I moved to so I wouldn't be so lonely. The thing is.....I missed THEM!! They were my friends and he was my lover. They couldn't easily be replaced by others. (Now mind you....it wasn't just time alone with him I missed and wanted. I had spent time with them as a couple, with their extended family members, etc. I'm also very comfortable spending time in my own company.)

They continued to live together and going on with their lives, rarely taking my thoughts/feelings into consideration when plans were being made about how they would spend their time and other commitments they had made. Finally I told him I would like a commitment to seeing each other once a week in some capacity....he said he couldn't commit to that; It was too much pressure with all his other commitments. It hurt to lose him/them, especially after having experienced what it was like to be together on a daily basis.

Polycouple.....I'm right there with you in terms of the sense of loss and am sorry you're having to go through this. (The polycouple I was with weren't/aren't a married couple either. They had started out in a "V" with her in the middle with her husband and with our guy living together before I met them. Then her husband left and filed for divorce to be in a mono relationship.)

Last edited by dragonflysky; 09-16-2011 at 03:36 AM.
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  #235  
Old 09-28-2011, 02:31 AM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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Unhappy NRE or falling in love?? feeling tortured!

hi all, so happy to be perusing this forum. i already feel better, but still feel like i need some insight on my situation.

here's the summary: i am a queer woman, partnered for 5 years. always thought i might be poly but got into a mono marriage with my current partner Alex, even though we are not very sexually compatible, thinking i could make it work. eventually i cheated on Alex and we re-negotiated and did a lot of work to improve our communication and open things up.

i am now seeing someone who started out as just a fuck-buddy, i'll call her Sam, but after having mind-blowing sex with Sam somewhat regularly for the past couple of months i have started developing feelings for her. i have tried my best to keep things as casual as possible without emotional ties but the more time and sex i have with her the more my feelings deepen.

now i am away on work travel and Sam has another fuck-buddy staying with her from out of town and i feel awful. i have this terrible craving/withdrawal feeling and terror that Sam is off with someone else and this whole thing has taken on this intense prominence in my mind. i have even avoided Sam's phone calls while i've been away because i've felt so vulnerable and didn't want to break down or get intense with her on the phone while she has someone else staying with her.

i'm trying desperately to try and figure out what this means, what i want, and what i should do. i read another thread about how its not really possible to feel NRE for more than one person at a time, and now i feel obsessed with the idea that maybe i am in this alone and she is off falling in love with someone else, who is somewhat more available to her since i have a lot of agreements i have to honor with my primary partner that sets a lot of restrictions on how much time i have been able to spend with Sam.

Am I just being ridiculous and obsessive? is this how NRE just is? i have talked to Alex a bit about how I am feeling but feel terrified to talk to Sam about it, for fear of totally freaking her out. She has said she is content with this arrangement, has a hard time with missing me sometimes but thinks its worth it.

help??
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  #236  
Old 09-28-2011, 03:46 AM
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Try thinking about it this way. What if everything was exactly the same except you were single. What would you do and think then? It's ok to be falling for someone when you thought it was just going to be casual, it happens to people both poly and mono all the time.

The fact that she says she has a hard time missing you makes me think she won't freak out if you let her know that you might be crushing out on her just a little. Let her know that you really like her and ask if she'd like to go out for coffee sometime (you don't even have to call it a date).
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  #237  
Old 09-28-2011, 04:49 AM
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I think a lot of the time, people who want to keep things casual really want to keep things casual. I am still a bit broken-hearted about a guy I was seeing who wanted it to be FWB and when I told him of the deeper feelings I had for him, he broke it off. Upsetting, to say the least. I am not projecting my relationship onto yours, but I know that around that time, I was starting to feel this frantic longing for him, it was torture when I didn't see him for a while, and when I look back on it, I see I was a bit out of control. Now I'm not sure I was falling in love with him. The sex was so-o-o-o good, probably the best I'd ever had at that point, and I was obsessed. Or possessed, maybe, LOL.

I think you should do what you can to get both feet on the ground. Use the time apart to take care of you, connect with Alex, cultivate a fuller sense of satisfaction within yourself, and get some exercise to dissipate some of your energy. Try connecting with more people around you, and do fun things that you love, so that you aren't hanging on every moment you will have with Sam as the be-all and end-all. Eventually you will just settle into a feeling of okayness. It will still be exciting, but not all-consuming if you work at it. Just try not to give in to that frenzied neediness.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-28-2011 at 06:49 AM.
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  #238  
Old 09-28-2011, 06:37 AM
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Yes I think you are obsessed. Is that a bad thing? No, I don't think so. Its what us humans do... The thing is though that the part of your obsession that says that she is yours; "how could she possibly..." or "how could this other person think that they could be near her like I am" is what needs to be addressed. She is her own person and you yours. She is not yours to keep close. You can have close moments when you are together and even over text, but she is capable and going to have them with others too. Just as you can and have.

I also suggest you concentrate on yourself and your other relationships of every kind. Its important, I think, to keep a balance of all things in life and it sounds like your balance needs a bit of re-balancing.

If I were in your situation I think I would call her up in a good moment and wish her well with her guest and tell her you will see her when you get back. Then I think I would text her every day, say hi, put lots of smileys on there and say what you are doing and wait it out until you get home and then some. I think I would go home and concentrate on what I have been neglecting as a result of the NRE of having this woman in your life and try not to obsess about her. Then I would see her for coffee, a meal, whatever and ask her how her time went and catch up... see how you feel and ease back in or pull away accordingly... if you feel like you want to ease back in I think I would then tell her what went on for you and how you feel about her and see how that goes.
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  #239  
Old 09-28-2011, 05:31 PM
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Beginninglove,

How are things with Alex? He/she (?) gets only a brief mention, which centered on sexual incompatibility. I get the impression you're not happy being with Alex. I could be way off the mark, though. Who knows?

Playing with Sam seems like playing with fire. This is exactly why I don't do the fuckbudy, casual sex, thing. If the sex is good then I'm emotionally involved. If I'm not emotionally involved, the sex is no good (for me!). If it is a relationship I want, with sex included, then it's best to start out as good friends (for me!).

Maybe you can transition from sex buddies to love partners. Maybe not. But what is the deal with Alex? Where does Alex fit in to this picture?
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  #240  
Old 09-28-2011, 07:19 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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First of all, it's not impossible to be in NRE with 2 people at the same time. Of course, unicorns in triads can feel this. I also felt it, not as a unicorn, but when I had been with my current gf for 3 mos, I met a guy and had NRE for him as well.

Just sayin.'
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