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  #31  
Old 10-28-2009, 08:49 PM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
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Exactly, redpepper!! Thanks for relating your experience.

I have also done the casual thing and it was painful because I really loved certain people, but hid it. And I also have done the break-up after break-up, finding something "wrong" with the person.

It's such a relief to realize one's true nature, eh?

Even my recent experiences with polyamory were mostly defined as one, primary, committed relationship and others on the side. This caused similar problems. I get sucked into expecting way too much from one person.

I really want to explore having relationships without the "anchor" of a primary. If something more serious were to develop with someone, I'm open to it. But, right now, I need to not be tied down to being the main squeeze of one person.

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  #32  
Old 06-02-2010, 03:18 AM
Anne Anne is offline
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Lightbulb How does Polyamory start?

Hey you all,

sometimes I read on this board that people are dating, using the internet to meet new partners, searching for a secondary relationship...I have a questions about this.

To make me understand, Iīd like to tell you that Iīm in a polymorous relationship because there are two men that I love. One of them is my husband since seven years and the other one I fell in love with two and a half years ago. Itīs been a very short while since I know thereīs a name for it.

Now, my questions is: Can there exist the wish to live a polyamorous life which is not linked to a special person? In other words, do people feel like "oh, Iīd like to have another partner, letīs get out and find one?"

I always tgought that itīs like in my case: First, there are the specific people, and then thereīs the relationship. How wrong am I?

Interested in your experiences and opinions
Anne
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  #33  
Old 06-02-2010, 03:40 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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I am like that. I am not specifically looking for anything in particular, but I would like to find another partner.

I think many people discover polyamory through accident once they find out they can love more than one person. I am hoping that polyamory will one day be a common enough word that people can decide on it instead of fall into it.
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  #34  
Old 06-02-2010, 06:43 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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In my case, it was a desire on my husbands and my part to learn and grow sexually. We both had no previous sexual experiences before each other so we thought it would be fun/interesting to 'date' other people. We established boundaries and expectations and then just went to dating sites to find people we wanted to get to know.
We weren't familiar with 'poly' at the time, thought maybe 'swinging' was what we wanted to try, but neither one of us was comfortable with the idea of that. I easily found men to chat with and met 2 in person but there was no attraction or connection. Those men wanted casual sex but it didn't appeal to me. Then I met my boyfriend *sigh* I wasn't expecting to get so involved with him, but when my husband and I realized that I had I found a real connection with someone else, we soon learned what polyamory was and the rest is history! It was much more difficult for my husband to find a woman to date and he got very discouraged for the first few months. But then he found his girlfriend
From what I've read on the forums, there's no specific way to begin a poly journey, as with all things poly, the possibilities are endless! Some people have someone in mind, some people have affairs then are able to establish a more open and honest poly relationship out of the aftermath. And some people talk about the idea of poly and pursue it 'from scratch'. I don't think I would recommend the 'affair' route, but being able to talk about it beforehand is a good foundation to start
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  #35  
Old 06-02-2010, 07:08 AM
SayYes SayYes is offline
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I knew what poly was--and that it accurately described me--for quite a long time before I was actually involved in a poly relationship. I had broached the subject with my husband multiple times over the years, though I always backed down and stopped short of being insistent that it was a part of who I am and something I needed him to seriously consider. Part of what finally gave me the motivation to do that was a developing situation with my now-boyfriend, but that situation was far from the first thing to make me realize I was poly-inclined.
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  #36  
Old 06-02-2010, 11:49 AM
rubyfish rubyfish is offline
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I'm sort of in the middle between the two potentials you suggested. There were several people that I had interested in throughout my relationship with my husband, but I didn't decide that I was poly to pursue one of them. I ended up with someone I met online once I started looking.
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  #37  
Old 06-02-2010, 12:39 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I think that there are people for whom poly is very specific to the people, and there are still others who are out looking for another. I tend to fall in neither of those categories - I have known from my teens that it felt right to love more than one at a time, and didn't see why, when I started a new relationship, I wasn't allowed to say I still loved my "ex".

Now, I am in a situation where I am open to whoever comes into my life, be they friend or lover, but don't go out searching for another person.
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  #38  
Old 06-02-2010, 07:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne View Post
Now, my questions is: Can there exist the wish to live a polyamorous life which is not linked to a special person? In other words, do people feel like "oh, Iīd like to have another partner, letīs get out and find one?"

I always thought that itīs like in my case: First, there are the specific people, and then thereīs the relationship. How wrong am I?
Hi Anne. I came into polyamory when I met a man who introduced me to it. I had been single for two years, so I was definitely not opening up an established relationship. I had always felt very strongly that I was a loyal, faithful partner and never entertained the idea of an open relationship, cheating, more than one partner - none of it, so I was very hesitant.

Over time I came to realize just how poly I am and always have been. Not because I necessarily desire another partner, but because it's how I'm wired and I love the lifestyle. I love so many people in so many different ways. I can love people without wanting to be with them and without being in love. I need the freedom to love as much as my heart wants to. Poly allows me to explore grey areas with people that would be inappropriate in a monogamous relationship.

There are subtleties and dynamics that I have grown to love about being poly. In groups, I like to flitter over and connect with someone and then flitter over to someone else and connect with that person. And then come back to my love(s) all rejuvenated and full of love.

Compersion, for me, is sometimes more fulfilling than being in love. My love for a partner extends into my metamours and I feel bonded with them.

I like being part of a "tribe" or a family. Relationships can be challenging and when you have a solid group of mature, honest, communicative people, the amount of support there is for all involved multiplies. I care a lot about what happens in the other relationships and feel motivated to support them.

So, yes it's definitely possible for polamoury to develop outside of the scenario you've experienced.
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  #39  
Old 06-02-2010, 11:06 PM
poiyt poiyt is offline
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For me, I always identified as poly - though closetly so. I always knew I had the capacity and desire to love more than one person, and be with more than one partner at a time - but never actually thought it was a potential reality. My husband and I have known eachother since we were 6, I always knew I would marry him. I did. 2 years after we got married I met A. Within months I knew I liked her, within a year I was deeply in love with her - and was so conflicted about the whole thing. It was my husband and her opening up their relationship, sexually, that dove me into practicing polyamory.

Even though I identified with it, and wanted it - I still struggled quite a bit at the beginning. But im glad I stuck with it, and worked through my feelings.
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  #40  
Old 06-02-2010, 11:24 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne View Post
Can there exist the wish to live a polyamorous life which is not linked to a special person? In other words, do people feel like "oh, Iīd like to have another partner, letīs get out and find one?"

I always tgought that itīs like in my case: First, there are the specific people, and then thereīs the relationship. How wrong am I?
I'm profoundly uninterested in monogamy, so 'polyamory' started for me by avoiding monogamous relationships, and that's not "linked to a special person".

That said, I don't ever think "I'd like to have another partner" (well, perhaps I thought something like that the last time I was single). I don't go out deliberately looking -- it's always about the specific person.

Some people definitely do just that, however. Sometimes I get a little judgemental about it, because it sounds to me like they're fixated on fitting some new person into some role in their lives that they feel is necessary to have. In other cases, it sounds like they're just really optimistic that there are a lot of people out there that would be great to connect to, and how would you know if you don't look. Which I guess says something good about their opinion of strangers.
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