Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 10-28-2009, 05:39 PM
greenearthal's Avatar
greenearthal greenearthal is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 208
Default

I think what it all boils down to for me is that:

some people { draw comfort in / find security in / ascribe a value to } feeling like this is what the relationship looks like and these are the people involved. Bidirectionally monogamous couples and some polyamorous people seem to feel this way and probably fidelity is for them. Where it harms not do what thou wilt and all that.

Some people ascribe no such value and draw no comfort from such, and such persons might not want to waste their time even worrying about such things.

And some people might feel absolutely trapped and downright suffocated by the idea or closing off their relationship possibilities and probably fidelity is not for them.
__________________
me n the band, singin our song
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 10-28-2009, 05:41 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I think we are totally mis-communicating, Ceoli.
My point is - relationships are not only based on "how much love" there is. That love could be equal among limitless people. Once you bring in external commitments, obligations, and responsibilities, relationships will naturally become prioritized based on the levels of integration.

Some relationships will be "more important" in the big picture because they are more involved on other levels.
I see different levels and types of commitments as not being more or less important than each other. I see them as just that....different. And yes, when breaking things down, of course the person you're making the house payments with is going to be the person with whom finances are part of your relationship. But that does not mean that those finances have to make that relationship a priority over a relationship that may not have that particular entanglement. For some it may be the case, but it doesn't have to be the case for everyone.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 10-28-2009, 05:58 PM
Io55 Io55 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
But that does not mean that those finances have to make that relationship a priority over a relationship that may not have that particular entanglement. For some it may be the case, but it doesn't have to be the case for everyone.
I appreciate that thought Ceoli, and agree in theory, i'll just have to see how things will turn out in practice, in my case (M&H share a house, 2 businesses, a car, dog, etc. together, but we nevertheless consider our relationships with each other to be 'equal but different'.
As for our structure. We've defined our selves as fidelitous for the time being, with option to open again. this is because each relationship in our trupple (my sisters new word for a triad! she said 'youre not in the mafia, call it a trupple ) is either new, or newly mending. we each require a lot of the others' time and energy right now!
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 10-28-2009, 06:00 PM
greenearthal's Avatar
greenearthal greenearthal is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 208
Default

I think Trupple is one of the greatest words I have ever heard. It's got automatic smiles in it.
__________________
me n the band, singin our song
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 10-28-2009, 06:01 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
But that does not mean that those finances have to make that relationship a priority over a relationship that may not have that particular entanglement. For some it may be the case, but it doesn't have to be the case for everyone.
First off..I admit that the direction of this thread is fairly off topic, probably spurred by my own comments. A discussion on the value of different commitment types could be its own thread.
That being said, I fail to see the reality in thinking that a purely emotional commitment could be on par to the value of one involving all the other realities of life as well.
I would have a hard time accepting that Redpepper could view our relationship as important as the one with her husband. He provides much more than I do, shares much more than I do, contributes much more than I do....I accept that. Their relationship is the priority for me. I am certain that is why we work so well together.

Now I'll follow Greenearthal's lead and get back on topic I think LOL! Thanks my friend for reminding me what this thread was all about.
Ceoli, I hope I haven't offended in any way. It is not my intention.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 10-28-2009, 06:02 PM
Io55 Io55 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by greenearthal View Post
I think Trupple is one of the greatest words I have ever heard. It's got automatic smiles in it.
i KNOW!! and this is a week after ive shocked her with my tales of unconventionnality best big sister and funniest person i know
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 10-28-2009, 06:29 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

No offense taken. Just noting that there are several ways for a relationship to be successful, even if you can't see them.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 10-28-2009, 07:38 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
No offense taken. Just noting that there are several ways for a relationship to be successful, even if you can't see them.
Agreed!
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 10-28-2009, 07:46 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
No offense taken. Just noting that there are several ways for a relationship to be successful, even if you can't see them.
I hope I never implied that in order for a relationship to be successful it had to be a specific way. If so. I misrepresented myself. Sorry if that was the case.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 10-28-2009, 08:13 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I happen to see Mono and my husband as equal. I know Mono you don't understand that or like that, but it is the way it is for me. I see where you are coming from in terms of what is at stake, but as there is nothing at stake because we are humming along just fine I have no problem thinking of you as equal. I know my husband does too and consults you when we have plans to make for the future.

If I had to make a chose for our future, god forbid I had to decide on one of you, I would chose to be alone. I could not go back to just my husband and I could not go out searching again as I did before. Those days are over as far as I can see. I would prefer to work something out around staying friends with both of you while raising my son between my husband and I and perhaps in part with you too Mono... as he has come to think of you as family.

Back to the thread at hand.

We are not in a closed "V." My husband actively seeks out other loves and is dating someone at the moment. Mono and I are exclusively fluid bonded and I am his only love. I have another tersiary intimate friend and he is not poly-fi with me. I am open to a female relationship at some point and look forward to that. I have an active sex life with myself in terms of seeking out alternative ways of connecting with myself in regards to my sexuality. I decided to add that I am exploring a relationship with myself (as pansexual, but also in terms of being alone) because I have recently made some huge discoveries about myself, with Mono's help, that I am just beginning to explore... after all our relationships with ourselves are the most important and should be primary.

Mono and I talk about this topic a lot and it comes up over and over again. I need to reassure him on a regular basis that I am not looking for another male and am quite content with what I have. The whole time thing is definitely part of that, but also that I am really very much in need of his containment needs. I know that sounds kind of odd, but I like the boundaries he has placed on me because I have had some shitty stuff happen to me and didn't like myself in a more "loose" poly lifestyle (I had some jealousy stuff come up that made me a crazy woman). I will push those boundaries I'm sure as I have not had them for a very long time, but I am learning where they are for him and we are working towards something that is comfortable for both of us. I try and remember that we have not been together long and that there is a whole life ahead of us to enjoy and explore. I don't know what that will bring, he doesn't know what that will bring and it is better I think to let the whole topic go. We both tend to purseverate on it. In fact when he reads this I am expecting he will!

The future that I want (and I like to ask for what I want and hear what my partners want because otherwise how is anyone to know what they want with me and I with them) is to have a house with four apartments. Here we call that a fourplex with four suites. I would have one, my husband another, Mono another and my boy another (for when he goes on to further education and for us to rent out in the mean time, or if he prefers not to do that). It would have to be private from neighbors. I would like to have a common entrance with a large staircase up the middle of the house.... Maybe a heritage house that has been converted? I also want to have a large kitchen in my suite where we can make meals together and eat together with friends and family or just us. I could visit the men and they could visit me... there would be a garden, a private yard and we could have people stay with us as we wish in our own suites. too much to ask?

As for future relationships? I would like to continue where we are going as I feel as if there is still much to learn, grow into and some goals for me to work on in all areas of my life.

I'm really very happy and very lucky
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:01 AM.