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  #181  
Old 09-21-2011, 05:09 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Watching Bee was exactly as awesome as I imagined it would be. There's not much to say there, really, I just thought y'all might like to know. He's so chubby! At one point he fell asleep with his little hand clutching my finger. I tried to move the finger away after a minute, but if I moved he woke up so I just hung out with him (which wasn't exactly a hardship, since we were chilling on G&E's bed). He's definitely more aware of the world around him now than he was last month, and sometimes making faces or sounds at him can get him to burst into a big smile, which is just the *best*.

Gia and Eric are coming to see me in a play this weekend, an hour and a half away from where we live! Knowing how difficult it is for them to do much of anything right now aside from hold their lives together, this is a real gift to me. Once the play is over I'll have much more free time, and I'm hoping to get back to a more regular schedule of seeing Gia then.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #182  
Old 09-21-2011, 05:19 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Things have been a little rocky between me and Davis. *bigsigh*

He came with me to Eric's birthday party over the weekend without hesitation, which was great considering how hard the very idea of spending time with my other lovers was for him a few months ago. On top of that, he's not a very social person and he didn't know most of the people there, so it really wasn't the best scene for him. Looking back a couple of days later, I realized that I didn't do much to try to support him in that situation, and I feel pretty shitty about it. I should have put more of my focus on him, checked in with him, worked to try to help him get to know the other people there. Instead I just sat next to him, engaged other people in conversation and assumed he was fine. I don't know how I could have been so tone-deaf to his needs.

And, worse, I've actually blown up at him a couple of times in the last few weeks. He goes through cycles of depression and he's been in a downswing recently and there are times when it just grates on me to the point that I snap. I hate to see him be so self-defeating at times and it makes me lose respect for him... which I *hate* because I've had lots of people with depression in my life and I know you can't always control it and that what the person needs is understanding!!

I've apologized profusely to him for all this stuff of course, we've talked about it in detail and it's all cool between us, it's just... I don't think of myself as the sort of person who does stuff like that (leaves her partner hanging when he needs her, yells at her partner instead of giving support). So it leaves me in the awkward position of asking myself WHY am I behaving this way??? I'm not trying to say I've been some kind of monster, lots of the time I behave in loving, supportive ways with him, but lately just not as consistently as I'd expect of myself...

Sometimes I think that maybe this relationship just isn't right for me, and that's why I'm acting like a jerk. Other times I think I made an excellent choice in this man, and that I just need to work on being a better person and a better partner.

Davis brings out strong stuff in me, it's just not all stuff I like... and I worry sometimes that the lows outnumber the highs... I ask myself whether my life with him long-term will truly be enhanced or not, and I just don't know. I feel like in theory it's *ok* not to know, but this ambivalence wears on me.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #183  
Old 09-25-2011, 11:54 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I ask myself whether my life with him long-term will truly be enhanced or not, and I just don't know. I feel like in theory it's *ok* not to know, but this ambivalence wears on me.
I think I'd ask myself whether this is the person I would choose to continue with even if my other relationships were blown to the wind.
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  #184  
Old 09-25-2011, 06:01 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think I'd ask myself whether this is the person I would choose to continue with even if my other relationships were blown to the wind.
Oh, I'm asking myself, no doubt. :/ And I think I'm doing a good job of steering clear of the mistake of thinking about my relationship with Davis solely in the context of my relationship with Gia or vice versa. My relationship with Davis is my relationship with Davis and it thrives or doesn't on its own merits.

Am I happier or not since Davis and I have been officially dating? Do I, in fact, feel closer to him or not since we've officially been dating? Do I feel like I'm enhanced by us dating? I can't say an unequivocal yes to any of those questions. It seems *so* strange that changing what we call ourselves (friends vs bf/gf) should change much of anything when what we do together is the same. It seems so strange that I should have felt more fully authentic saying I love you before and, at times, less so now.

I wish it weren't this way. I don't want to lose him in my life. I love the support he gives me, how safe he makes me feel, how well we communicate, his eyes, his warmth. But if this isn't working for me, we should break up, right? That thought doesn't fill me with the sadness and dread it did the first time we broke up, which in itself tells me something. If we do break up, we should give each other space for real this time, right? Can I do that? Can I refuse to see him, push him away, if this man who is dear to me asks simply to keep my friendship?

I just don't know. I want to believe that things just feel messed up right now because he's depressed, that we can make this work, but I just don't know.

Ok, and now the sadness finally comes, welling up behind my eyes as I sit here on this train. I can see the pain and incomprehension on his face if I tell him I'm leaving again, after so short a second try, and I can't bear it.

Crying now. Shit.

I will *not* stay with him just out of fear for him, I know from past experience that I'm strong enough to leave, but it *does* scare me, the idea of leaving a depressed man. What if he hurt himself? Could I survive that?

Agh.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #185  
Old 09-25-2011, 09:54 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I don't want to lose him in my life. I love the support he gives me, how safe he makes me feel, how well we communicate, his eyes, his warmth. But if this isn't working for me, we should break up, right? [...] I just don't know. I want to believe that things just feel messed up right now because he's depressed, that we can make this work, but I just don't know. [...] I will *not* stay with him just out of fear for him, I know from past experience that I'm strong enough to leave, but it *does* scare me, the idea of leaving a depressed man. What if he hurt himself? Could I survive that?

Agh.
Ah, Annabel! Have a huge hug

a) You're not resonsible for him. If this relationship is doing you harm, then the best thing is to end it.

b) BUT (and I want you to remember that I was strongly advising you against giving up your other loves [especially Harry] to appease Davis' discomfort with sharing you) maybe you're bailing out too soon? Have you really given it a chance? This isn't a poly problem. New lovers need time to adjust to each other (at least after the initial sex-mad frenetic early days are over). I know that Davis isn't new to you. but the situation is.

c) [Of course, MY choice would be that Davis could come to terms with poly (as in NO limits to Love), would actually be happier with that, and that Harry and you could reconnect. (I remember you writing that you were happy to give up the others, as you were feeling a bit overbooked anyway, but Harry was a special case, no?)]

Bloody helpful geezer I am, eh? yesnoyes. ping pong (The ball's in your court.)
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- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
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I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #186  
Old 09-26-2011, 04:33 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Thanks, Mr. FFR. Feedback always helps even when it's not in the form of simple advice. Sometimes when you're thinking about something all the time you feel like you're at a mental dead end, and hearing outside perspectives, or even suggestions you don't agree with, can help open new pathways.

I'm not bailing yet, not even talking yet to anyone irl about my concerns (not quite ready for that), just thinking about things. This blog is a wonderful safe space for me in that regard.

And yeah, Harry was special to me. I'm really glad we're still friends. He has a new gf and it looks like things are going beautifully between them. I feel all compersion-y about it, in part b/c I know he's firmly against going mono again, so it doesn't mean he and I couldn't hook back up. That said, I find I'm not missing the more-than-friends thing with him right now... too much else to think about.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #187  
Old 09-29-2011, 02:55 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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My roommates are wonderful people. Crazy, eccentric, geeky, helpful, supportive, smart, compassionate, wonderful people.

There's Eddie, a male-to-female transexual, and Liam, his husband. I met the two of them in college, introduced them actually. They've been together 6 years now, I was a bridesmaid at their wedding, and we've shared a household for more than 4 years. There's also Adam, one of Liam's co-workers, who's a liiiiitle *too* nerdy for me at times but who's a sweet guy.

I talked to Eddie and Liam tonight about my worries about Davis, and my confusion about my occasional negative outbursts. Their marriage hasn't always been perfectly smooth but it's stronger now than it's ever been, so I thought they might have some perspective. They listened to everything and in the end told me, in so many words, that, essentially, I should relax. They made a lot of sense and I found I felt more sanguine about things.

Eddie also suggested that Davis and I try adding some power exchange to our relationship (we've played around with top/bottom stuff and bondage, but no real D/s so far, certainly not outside the bedroom), just to see how it affects our dynamic. Eddie and Liam were always kinky but had never codified anything for the first several years of their relationship, and they found that when they wrote up a contract and Liam collared Eddie they were both a lot calmer and happier.

Afterwards I called Davis. He surfaced out of the worst of his depression in the last week, and it's been a great relief to see him genuinely happy again.

We chatted idly for a bit, and then I told him about the conversation with my roommates. I didn't mention the "I've been wondering if I should consider leaving you" bit, but I told him pretty much everything else. He seemed glad to hear that I was working on figuring out the things that have been rocky between us, and also agreed that shaking up our dynamics, sexually and relationally, could be fun and potentially fruitful.

At the end of the phone conversation, he said I love you and I said it back and felt it more wholeheartedly than I have in the last little while. Not giving up yet, definitely not.

An aside, for those who might be interested... I've referred to myself as submissive here before, mainly because that aspect of my sexuality/personality has been on my mind a lot since Gia brings it out in me so strongly and because the one other kinky thing I've had recently, with Harry, was geared exclusively to him being the dom. But I've seen myself as a switch in the past, and I could see going either way with Davis. No matter what, it should be interesting!
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #188  
Old 09-29-2011, 03:07 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Other notes...

Gia and I are gonna spend a couple of hours together on Friday, just her, me and Bee. *So* looking forward to it.

Eric sent me a quick email today just saying hi and checking in. It was kinda cool, he's usually not big on casual communication.

G&E&B are going out to a festival on Saturday, and it happens my roommates are going too, so how could I not? I invited Davis and promised him I'd pay more attention to him this time, he said yes without evincing any qualms.

Life rolls along...
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #189  
Old 09-29-2011, 12:01 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Life rolls along, but poly is more of a roller coaster, isn't it? Sounds like you are riding it well. Happiness to you!
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  #190  
Old 09-29-2011, 12:46 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
But I've seen myself as a switch in the past, and I could see going either way with Davis. No matter what, it should be interesting!
When you said earlier that you feel a lot more laid-back, egalitarian with Davis, do you think there's potential for a power exchange there? Bedroom only or more of a lifestyle thingie? I'm just wondering if it would feel forced, if vanilla would come more naturally.

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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Gia and I are gonna spend a couple of hours together on Friday, just her, me and Bee.
Vanilla read this and sighed; "That woman is her gf and they get to spend a couple of hours together?! I would go mad."
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