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  #31  
Old 09-21-2011, 10:34 PM
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Baron Baron is offline
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Dear Michelle

My apologies for not replying sooner, but your post was a detailed and considered one. I thought it only fair that I thought it through before giving my response.

We have been together for a very long time and sometimes its very difficult to pick out where one stops and the other begins. I am more used to having to think of more than just myself.

The point I was making is that all relationships have their natural up's and down's. I really don't want to get involved in a self-destructive listing of she said/he said. I don't think that anyone would be interested, or in the inevitable counter-response. I am much more interested in finding a solution than whinging and moaning to no purpose. The real issue is that the existing relationship does not suit anyone. If it is to survive, it needs to be remade in a way that solves the previous problems. Hopefully, the inevitable new problems are ones that can be more easily dealt with or ignored as meaningless.

I beg your pardon but I obviously didn't make myself clear. Actually, intimacy to me means sharing. Among other things, I want to feel that I touched someone's heart and mind. In an SM setting I want to possess them body and soul to the point I taste it. This is what is not being provided. It is no good just turning-up and for none of it to mean anything. To not react, to be indifferent, to obviously be elsewhere, is more than frustrating, it is infuriating.

I hate blame and fault-finding. Marriage is like a three-legged race. If one hops forward, and the other does not, then the hopper falls on their face. That's what keeps happening to me. Everytime I am told it was a false-start and we should start again. Everytime I end up flat on my face. In my analogy, the realisation comes from painful experience that the race isn't with the other couples but with each other. The point is not who finishes first, but who finishes at all.

I would love to let go of the negative feelings. I hate them and the failure they represent. But they are ever-present, everyday. Maybe, you think I've been sulking all this time because I haven't gotten my way, but I believe that no-one has been served by this relationship. This strikes me as the worst bit of all as I also believe that it should have been a very good relationship. I have had relationships before and this one should have been the best one of my life.

You raise a valid point regarding the unfairness of demanding something from someone that they are unable to give. I would counter that I am being kept here by someone who makes promises that I am bound to follow. I will always give a chance for something to happen if I am promised it will take place. It is very unfair, though, to know in advance it will probably not happen. I cannot do otherwise. If we both agreed on divorce, then we could easily have one. However, neither of us want one, even though we would both concede that any other relationship would probably benefit from it.

We both wanted children. We still do and this has added a lot of urgency to our problems. I am afraid that this is a very personal point for both of us and not one I wish to share, unless RS wishes to contribute first.

Yes, she has PCOS. She also has had depression since before I met her and a number of other conditions that have appeared since then. You will pardon me, but I am reading this section of your reply as the beginnings of an interrogation.

Having read the advice we have received so far, we have been discussing ideas such as the one you mentioned.

It does feel like a bit like a square peg at times, but I think you are taking the analogy too far. I wrote about my own private matters to a wide group of people, telling them what I thought of a particular problem. I really don't see the point in pretending life is a bowl of cherries when its not. People would think I was strange, repeatedly assuring everyone everything's fine and smiling like a lunatic.

Sometimes it helps to put on the SM mask in real-life, like with cold-callers and difficult cases. It helps either deter then from trying again in the future or blasting through the bull. It all helps wend our way through life with the greatest of ease, providing you are aware of the limitations of what can be done. I find there is no pure SM or DS, there are only matters of degree. I prefer the pain because I prefer openness and honesty. We must always be honest with our pain, it hurts. I still use dominance because I need to get everyone in the right headspace.

Thank you for your support.

Baron.
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  #32  
Old 09-23-2011, 02:41 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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No probs, Baron.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron View Post
This strikes me as the worst bit of all as I also believe that it should have been a very good relationship. I have had relationships before and this one should have been the best one of my life.
That's so interesting. You've said so many things there. In one way, it shows a lot of disappointment, like you feel cheated of the relationship this "should" have been. That is obviously where a lot of your bitterness is coming from, and it's probably important to acknowledge that.

But it also shows a sort of hope for the future. Why do you think this relationship "should" have been great? Are there qualities in your wife and yourself that go well together? Are there aspects of this relationship that should have been given the chance to grow? Those are good things to talk about.

Quote:
We both wanted children. We still do and this has added a lot of urgency to our problems. I am afraid that this is a very personal point for both of us and not one I wish to share, unless RS wishes to contribute first.

Yes, she has PCOS. She also has had depression since before I met her and a number of other conditions that have appeared since then. You will pardon me, but I am reading this section of your reply as the beginnings of an interrogation.
I wasn't trying to pry, really. It's just that I found your statement that you didn't have children because of "lack of intimacy" suspicious, and I wanted some clarification. It seemed like you were blaming your wife for your childlessness, and I wondered if it was really that simple.

I understand that you don't want to talk about this. It can be a touchy subject! You aren't the first couple who finds dealing with infertility (or similar problems) to be a real strain on their marriage for so many reasons.

I wonder if this is causing more problems in the marriage than you realize. There are supports on the internet for childless couples, and, if you think it might be useful, maybe you and your wife could check them out.

Quote:
It does feel like a bit like a square peg at times, but I think you are taking the analogy too far. I wrote about my own private matters to a wide group of people, telling them what I thought of a particular problem. I really don't see the point in pretending life is a bowl of cherries when its not. People would think I was strange, repeatedly assuring everyone everything's fine and smiling like a lunatic.
That would be weird, and I can't imagine anyone here is asking you to do this.
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