Maybe I'm NOT so Poly

[MichelleZed]

I have to say, as a person in an open relationship, you probably don't want to do the DADT thing, especially long distance (I've also been in a long-distance relationship, but not an open one). You spend your time wondering what he's doing, what other girls he's seeing, how he feels about them, if he still likes you, etc. And then your frustration comes out in short, angry bursts of crazy, like you showed on this thread. I've been there, my friend.

Much better to have everything above board. That doesn't mean that you need explicit details, but that you need to know what's going on and who he's seeing. Then you can rest easy.

[lemniscate]

I agree. It may seem scarier to know, but honestly, I think it's scarier and more anxiety producing not to know.

[Tinyblu]

Originally Posted by lemniscate

Do you know for sure if this person is using protection with his partners? You don't know who he is sleeping with, and could be opening yourself up to STDs or other diseases.

That being said, I also agree with redpepper that getting to know your partner's other partner might be helpful to you, and may be the tool you need to help you conquer your fear.

I suggest that you read up on the definitions of poly, go to some local meetups, and talk to others with strong poly relationships. Best,

As for safe sex practices, we ALWAYS use protection and we have agreed to share STD test panels (the full 10 panel expensive one). We actually went to get tested together...

In this most recent case where I went off the deep end, this woman isn't even a factor. She's a coworker. I still have no idea why she contacted me other than curiosity from the email list, but I have decided not to worry about that.

I SOOOO wish I could connect with like minded people. The nearest poly group to me is about 2.5 hours away, and I am still reluctant to be "out" in any type of way. I am the daughter of a well known pastor in the black church community and not only would I be ex-communicated (which I don't care about. I haven't been to church in years), but it would bring disgrace to my family and I would be disowned.

My family would literally lose it if they knew I was involved with a woman...

[Tinyblu]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Tinyblu, just curious... are you still secretly seeing his other girlfriend/fuck buddy? Or did you come clean to him about that, if it's still continuing? I am sure you are aware that honesty and openness on both sides is going to benefit you in the long run. What goes around comes around, as they say.

Secretly.... well.... not exactly. He is aware that we talk but we don't think he's aware of how close we really are. However, it appears that he and OUR girlfriend recently had a talk and he may be more open to us (the GF and I) being closer.

I told him how much I care about her and I don't want to see her hurt and he's even appeared to make some concessions based on that (there's a new thread coming about that one), but he doesn't know that we have seen each other without him. I am not sure why we are both afraid to let him know that....

[Tinyblu]

Originally Posted by MichelleZed

I have to say, as a person in an open relationship, you probably don't want to do the DADT thing, especially long distance (I've also been in a long-distance relationship, but not an open one). You spend your time wondering what he's doing, what other girls he's seeing, how he feels about them, if he still likes you, etc. And then your frustration comes out in short, angry bursts of crazy, like you showed on this thread. I've been there, my friend.

Much better to have everything above board. That doesn't mean that you need explicit details, but that you need to know what's going on and who he's seeing. Then you can rest easy.

You are absolutlely right. The thing is... he's been more than willing to disclose everything, I was just afraid to ask. During our conversation stemming from this outburst, I told him I didn't think I had the right to ask what he was doing (for fear that it made me appear to not be able to handle the lifestyle). That's when he informed me that I have EVERY right to ask questions...

I had made up so many stories in my head about what he was doing and who he was doing and driving myself crazy. I have since asked him exactly what's going on, and it turns out a lot of my fears have been beyond irrational.

He considers me a SIGNIFICANT person, and we are in a RELATIONSHIP which means that if he wants to bring anyone else significant in, he will tell me prior to entering a sexual relationship with her. As for the "toys" i.e. women he is just fucking... it turns out that there aren't a lot of those as I feared. Rather, there's an ex-girlfriend that he sees from time to time or the fuck buddy that I'm dating.

It looks like I've had this wrong. After being cheated on so badly in my mono days, I am really pretty screwed up, and I was making him pay for the sins of others. He may actually be not-so-bad (but the jury is still out on that one)!!!

[MichelleZed]

Originally Posted by Tinyblu

During our conversation stemming from this outburst, I told him I didn't think I had the right to ask what he was doing (for fear that it made me appear to not be able to handle the lifestyle).

I'm really glad he cleared this misconception up for you. It's statements like these that make us think that you don't quite understand how poly is supposed to work. "Handling the lifestyle" is all about openness and discussion, not secrecy, and it looks like you know this now.