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  #11  
Old 03-21-2011, 05:42 PM
dag dag is offline
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Thanks Derby, that's good advice.

Vincenzo I can see why you'd get that impression from what I said, but it's really not like that. She was basically forced out of her previous living situation for coming out as poly. She hadn't gotten her student aid check so she was going to have to pawn all her stuff to stay in a hotel while she looked for a place. Now she's got her money, she felt really guilty about imposing on me and has been paying me back by buying me meals and stuff.

The place she's staying now, she is renting her own room - just happens this guy who is now her roommate is also someone she's hooking up with. Still your advice is well taken and I'm trying not to take our relationship too seriously.
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  #12  
Old 03-21-2011, 05:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dag View Post
I guess I'm really trying to find someone else to be more stable with but I'm so bad at meeting women that it's not going well.
If it's any consolation, the men I've loved the most (including hubby and boyfriend) have sucked big time at meeting women. In both cases, I was the one who made the initial approach.

I've had relationships with guys who meet women easily, so I do have a basis of comparison.

Maybe the guys who suck at meeting women tend to suck at game-playing. I don't know. My relationships with these men have, on average, been considerably deeper and more intimate.

I've been with my husband for 11 years and with my boyfriend for 8 months. I love them both to pieces and I can't believe how lucky I am to have them in my life.
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  #13  
Old 03-21-2011, 06:09 PM
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I'd say it's too early in your relationship to be considering her a serious girlfriend. So what if someone else becomes her "primary?" Labels suck. Just worry about whether or not you get your needs met. Oh, and keep looking. It is harder for guys to meet women in general, but you have to put yourself out there in all possible social situations, as well as online at OKC, etc. Good luck.
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  #14  
Old 03-21-2011, 06:30 PM
dag dag is offline
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Thanks Penny. That makes me feel a lot better. I do feel really averse to "game-playing" and I'm sure that hurts my chances short term with a lot of women.


And Nycindie you're totally right. Been trying to put myself out there more but it's hard being rather anxious in social situations. I'm going to a poly meet-and-greet tonight, hopefully I'll meet someone or ones :-)
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  #15  
Old 03-21-2011, 07:22 PM
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It sounds like her version of poly is random hook ups with guys she meets on dating sights... rather than love and committing to a process and journey with a few people that are worth investing in. To me having two partners is enough when it comes to investing deeply and connecting with others to a point of committing to working on something other than sex. Any more and its just fucking and/or friendship. That's just me though...

I happen to have three partners I'm sexual with and one I am not however. Derby I don't see that often as we have other commitments and are okay with this arrangement. My fourth boyfriend I see once a month for romantic dates. We have worked hard to get where we are at and took it slow. I did begin with the fuck everything in sight thing though. From being a teen until now (I'm 41).

It seems like your little poly discussion opened a flood gate for her and she is happily fucking whomever she wants. Fun; but not ideal for a deep and connected relationship I think. Provided that is what she wants at the moment... if she thinks that she will find one the way things have been going I suggest not.

I only hope she is protecting herself and checking in with her body and staying connected to herself. Women can get very used in these types of situations and can lose themselves to it... if she is looking for stability and someone to love her for her inner being I would wonder if this is the best way to go about it. I found my actions didn't lead me to any love, just more of the same... still it was somewhat fun. Well actually I thought it was fun at the time, but now I just remember being completely disconnected from those that actually did love me and that just makes me sad.

No one could tell me anything at the time. I thought I was hot shit and no one could touch me inside. It took Mono telling me I might want to look at what I was doing a bit more closely to see if it was really achieving the goal I had in mind of being loved. I was being loved for my body and the fact that I put out, not for who I was as a person. I was very grateful to Mono that he pointed that out... such a gift and a long journey to find myself again ensued.

It sounds like you are on the same wave length in that you are looking for women to be with and have sex too. That is awesome, but I would wonder if seeing yourself and her as having an open relationship not poly would help... poly seems to develop with time and investment.. at least for me it has... maybe this is all semantics though and I just describe my poly as different. Still, it might help you separate your feelings of wanting her to commit more to what you have. Open relationships seem to indicate more sex than love... which is what you and her have been seeking it seems.

I think that this woman is not invested in a relationship with you... she doesn't seem connected enough to allow your relationship to develop into something solid for you both to grow from... she is doing her own thing, I suggest you do your own thing also. She doesn't seem like a primary partner, but a woman you like to be with and fuck but she has her own single style poly thing going on.

If you want some one who is more committed then you could suggest it, but I don't think she is indicating she wants that... I would move on and find a woman that is more into a growing relationship who is willing to go slowly and add relationships that are about connection and compatibility rather than sex. You could hang on to her for sex and occasional good times together, but not invest in her... she doesn't seem at all interested. The fact that she likes being with you over others is just words to me. She isn't indicating with her actions that this is so or she would spend quality time with you developing a relationship based on something other than sex...
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Last edited by redpepper; 03-21-2011 at 07:25 PM.
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  #16  
Old 03-23-2011, 11:26 PM
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coastalpunk coastalpunk is offline
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Um, this does NOT sound like the sort of respectful Polyamory I am familiar with, this sounds like someone fooling around with a lot of partners. but then again I've only been in closed triads or 1:1 with a new partner. Tread carefully, you may have let the genie out of the bottle.
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  #17  
Old 03-23-2011, 11:54 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Maybe I am off the wall, but I would seriously be questioning her motives and her personality. This throws up a few different types of red flags

First STD's protection? Seriously, I hope she is staying protected and you are protecting yourself from her.

Why is she rolling through men like this? Self-Esteem build up? Is she looking at this like a kid with a new toy? Sexual freedom while remaining with someone stable being that new toy... I am not against casual sex. I don't take part myself but I have no issues with other people doing it. Swinging, fucking for sport... whatever. But.. she does seem to be moving at a high pace with little concern for who she affects (including herself)

It sounds like you are the one she can be stable with. Move in with when needed. Do you provide her other means to?... while she goes out and has her fun. Call me a cynic, I don't see a whole lot of poly or even good relationship building in this.

The more I type the more negatively I feel about this. Sorry I don't see much positive in this.

what you call jealousy could be something as simple as feeling betrayed or even walked on... negative feelings can sometimes mix together like a cake mix.
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  #18  
Old 03-24-2011, 06:57 AM
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I would wonder if it is not jealousy so much as a gut feeling that this situation is not that great a fit for you dag... or perhaps it is... I would love to know your take on that as you seem to be okay with the results so far other than you aren't hooking up as much as she is. Is it the case that you are jealous of that or have I got it wrong and you are jealous of not having her time as much as you would like?
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  #19  
Old 09-21-2011, 01:44 AM
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And how have you been doing, Dag?
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  #20  
Old 09-22-2011, 03:41 AM
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lemniscate lemniscate is offline
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You seem like such a nice person! I can tell that you are really trying to do this the right way and you care a lot. Admitting that you're having jealousy can be difficult, and I admire that you are trying to work through your situation. Second, I agree that perhaps rather than straight up jealousy you're realizing that you and she are in a different place in regards to your needs and your relationship goals.

Honestly, I've been poly since I was a teenager (now almost 30) and being with a partner that was going out and sleeping with that many people would bother me too. I would question his / her motivations for relationship, and question what they really needed. I would also wonder about their self-image and how much they respected themselves. Why would they be doing this?

I'll tell you why... I was that gal when I was a young teenager. As soon as I hit puberty I had sex with just about everything that would let me. Before I was 20 years old I had sex with over 100 people. Was it fun, or beautiful or special? Not really. It felt great physically and I would get on an emotional high from it... but it didn't last.

Once I 'grew up' and started respecting myself and my partners I found that I wanted to be able to put a lot of energy into my relationships, and that sex between me and someone I loved (I met my husband when I was 20, so this refers to him) was completely sacred, beautiful, and beyond anything I had ever imagined. I definitely changed my tune.

To me, being polyamorous is more about the connections with people and the love than it is the sex. I don't base my relationships around the sexuality of them. I find that sex comes later. Or it doesn't. I have some really loving deep connections with people who I don't make love with sexually.

To me it seems that your gal is just being a little wild and desperate at the moment. Honestly, that's okay, if that's the stage she's at in her life, it's important for her to have this experience. However, it seems to me that you are wanting something different. You might ask yourself if this relationship has a future, if you can grow together. Weigh the pros and cons. Maybe give it a couple of months, since it's new, to see how things go.

And remember, don't ever accept second best. It's okay to be discerning. You may think that you are bad at romance and meeting people, but there's a lid to every pot; and there's probably someone or someones out there who are looking for someone just like you.

Both of the men in my life are very shy people, and they both are awkward about meeting new folks. I approached both of them, rather than the other way around, and I am SO glad that I did. I'm a firm believer in still waters run deep, and it definitely did with these two. I'm sure that there's someone out there who will appreciate you for you, just the way you are. Unfortunately to me, it sounds as though your girlfriend may just have a different way of being in mind right now. Good luck!!
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