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  #11  
Old 09-21-2011, 02:42 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
This is the part of your question(s) that has me wondering. You seem to naturally equate a secondary role as 'following'.
Hmm, that's not exactly how I meant it to come out. Of course, someone who is in a secondary relationship with someone who has another primary can lead a completely independent life -- I do, for example -- but when it comes to the relationship with Gia, my partner who already has a primary, there's lots that I don't get a say in that her primary does.

For instance, life decisions like where they'll buy a house or when they'll have kids. In that sense, if I want to be involved in her life, I need to work with those things and find a way to fit into what they've built even while I myself don't get the same sort of decision making power in shaping what they're building.

If they diverge too far from where I want to go, maybe our relationship will change -- I won't follow them into hell. But I've found I'll joyfully follow them to places they're going that I wouldn't otherwise choose to go in my life right now, like being involved in the raising of a child.

I dunno, maybe that's just called being a supportive partner?
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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  #12  
Old 09-21-2011, 03:00 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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It occurs to me that I may have muddied the waters too much at the start here. I wonder if this all woulda made more sense if I'd included Mono's quote and then just asked "Is it easier to join an existing two person relationship as the 'third', whether the format is triad or vee, if you're naturally comfortable being a 'supporting actor' much of the time in your life generally?"

Like, leave secondary relationship roles out of it, leave submissiveness out of it... hmmmmmm... or am I just grasping at straws? It's so fun to have a pet theory but they so often disintegrate when you expose them to the light of other people's experiences and perspectives! That, of course, is one of the best things about having a community.
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  #13  
Old 09-21-2011, 05:43 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I think your original 'muddy' question is way more interesting than your 'clear' version. There's been a lot on how to integrate a triad or V but not much on if certain personalities or traits n may accommodate to a secondary role better than other personalities or traits. I happen to believe that traits are less important to comfort in a given role than capabilities like self-knowledge, humor or communication but it's a fun thing to think about!
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