Maybe I'm NOT so Poly

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Tinyblu

How can you "cheat" in a poly relationship?

Can you please define polyfuckery?

Cheating can happen in poly. Basically, cheating is when someone is involved with or screwing someone else without the full knowledge and consent of their partner(s). If they're hiding it or lying about it, that's cheating. Or if the people in a poly relationship agree to certain boundaries and then break them; ie., if two people promise that they won't have intercourse with an additional person. Even though they've agreed that they can do lots of other sexual activities, if they go and have intercourse without clearing it first, that's cheating.

Polyfuckery is a term used when people say they are poly just to get away with having sex with lots of people. When someone is into polyfuckery, it's not really about love -- it's more like recreational sex or being open. In general, polyamory doesn't focus on sex, because it's about having or being willing to have multiple love relationships.

I agree with SNeacail that a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy may not be the best situation for you. From what I understand, that is often part of an open relationship, but generally not the best scenario for poly relationships which thrive on honesty and openness.

[Tinyblu]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Cheating can happen in poly. Basically, cheating is when someone is involved with or screwing someone else without the full knowledge and consent of their partner(s). If they're hiding it or lying about it, that's cheating. Or if the people in a poly relationship agree to certain boundaries and then break them; ie., if two people promise that they won't have intercourse with an additional person. Even though they've agreed that they can do lots of other sexual activities, if they go and have intercourse without clearing it first, that's cheating.

Polyfuckery is a term used when people say they are poly just to get away with having sex with lots of people. When someone is into polyfuckery, it's not really about love -- it's more like recreational sex or being open. In general, polyamory doesn't focus on sex, because it's about having or being willing to have multiple love relationships.

I agree with SNeacail that a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy may not be the best situation for you. From what I understand, that is often part of an open relationship, but generally not the best scenario for poly relationships which thrive on honesty and openness.

So maybe I do have it wrong. I'm experiencing feelings, but I don't seriously think he's where I am.

As for DADT, I really don't think I can handle knowing about his other sexual encounters (I am assuming he has them). He has alluded to being involved in some other sexual situations with women that he has known on and off for years, and I have somewhat deducted that he may have a couple of local ex-girlfriends (if I can call them that) that he sleeps with, but for me ignorance is bliss.

Maybe that isn't so healthy... I am aware that he's doing it, but I don't want to know the details. I try to just focus on our time together and not worry about the things I can't control like where he puts his dick...

[River]

Originally Posted by Tinyblu

... but for me ignorance is bliss.

I very highly doubt that.

[River]

Originally Posted by Tinyblu

As much as I hated to admit it to him, I had to let him know that I am feeling insecure in the relationship. Being one that always tries to appear play it cool all the time, I hate admitting vulnerability in that area.

This level of truth ("disclosure") is what serious poly folk are shooting at. Or maybe it's just what real lovers (in the sense of people in love, not the cheapened sense of that word) should hold as their ideal. "They" call it "vulnerability," and when both (or more) parties welcome such "disclosures" with empathy, compassion, tenderness, understanding..., You're in luck! (If they are creeps, your luck just ran out.)

I had a similar occasion with one of my sweeties, recently. I'm one of the lucky ones.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Tinyblu

So maybe I do have it wrong. I'm experiencing feelings, but I don't seriously think he's where I am.

As for DADT, I really don't think I can handle knowing about his other sexual encounters (I am assuming he has them). He has alluded to being involved in some other sexual situations with women that he has known on and off for years, and I have somewhat deducted that he may have a couple of local ex-girlfriends (if I can call them that) that he sleeps with, but for me ignorance is bliss.

Based on your reactions when one of his lovers does surface and become "real" rather than unknown, I don't think it really is as blissful as you tell yourself. It looks like it really bothers you that he has other women in his life.

Originally Posted by Tinyblu

Maybe that isn't so healthy... I am aware that he's doing it, but I don't want to know the details. I try to just focus on our time together and not worry about the things I can't control like where he puts his dick...

Well, it is good to focus on your time together and be present, and no, you can't control where he sticks it (and am I correct in recalling that you are in a different state?), but if he also sticks it in you, the number of partners and how he conducts himself regarding safer sex should concern you. You don't have to know details about what he does with someone else, but you have every right to know how many people he fucks, whether he uses protection with all of them (as I hope he does with you, too), and how many he considers serious partners and how many are more casual flings. It is good to generally be aware of when he is out with someone else, or which days he devotes to other women, to have a system of knowing when you can call without interrupting a date, things like that. And you have every right to ask that he provide you with results from tests for STDs and STIs (although if they're not recent, tests need to be done again periodically).

[Jade]

"'They' call it 'vulnerability,' and when both (or more) parties welcome such 'disclosures' with empathy, compassion, tenderness, understanding..., You're in luck!"

So well said.

[redpepper]

Its too bad you don't want to talk to her Tiny. She could offer you some much needed insist to what has been going on for him and likely clear up a few of the things you have been imagining. You might have a few laughs about how he is and end up getting each others back some time if he finds a new "toy" (used playfully here). She is likely curious and wants to solve a few of her own mysteries about him. Just as you do... you are both dating him no? Likely she is experiencing the same stuff. He might just be telling her that he wants a relationship with her too.

Most of the drama, anxiety and stress you caused yourself here seems to be BECAUSE of the DADT policy you have. DADT actually causes less trust, less connection and keeps relationships at the surface. He will never have the good fortune of a really deep and connected relationship with you if he is forced to hide a big part of his life. You have enabled him to have a life away from you and that means you will not get the full him. She and other women are just as likely to make up who he is as you are. Why would you not want to know about that?

If you are just an option for him and you don't mind that then great, if you are a priority to him then I think it would serve you both better to drop the DADT and do the hard work to make this a solid relationship. You already have a shaky foundation, why add to it with putting blinders on about what goes on in your lives just for the sake of becoming overly emotional and needing to do some work together?

[lemniscate]

First of all, I think you are really brave for coming onto a forum and baring your heart and your emotions, strong as though they may be for others to comment. That's pretty cool, and that's honesty.

I have to say that I agree with Redpepper that DADT generally causes more harm than good. It seems from what I've observed, that DADT relationships are put in place because someone isn't willing to put in the work for a truly open honest communicative relationship. I personally feel that DADT relationships can be at best limiting, and at worst dangerous.

Do you know for sure if this person is using protection with his partners? You don't know who he is sleeping with, and could be opening yourself up to STDs or other diseases.

That being said, I also agree with redpepper that getting to know your partner's other partner might be helpful to you, and may be the tool you need to help you conquer your fear. I know that you are new to all of this, so realize that when you are new you are going to need to take steps that might seem scary or uncomfortable at first. That's how we gain the experience that brings wisdom and happy poly lives.

An example from my own life is that my boyfriend's wife is almost like a sister to me because she and I can share things that nobody else can; we can collaborate together to do nice things for him, and for each other. We can support each other when the other has a problem, and we can be friends! If I had been afraid to talk to her, I would be missing out on the beautiful connection and love that we share. Just remember, this lady may have been reaching out to you because she wants to be your friend!

I wish you the best of luck. I would not have chosen your situation for myself because I prefer more open and honest communicative types of relationships; but I've been poly for a long time, and I'm not you, I don't know what's attracted you to this man; and I cannot judge why other people pursue relationships and attractions. I do hope that all works out well for you.

I suggest that you read up on the definitions of poly, go to some local meetups, and talk to others with strong poly relationships. To me, your boyfriend seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too more than really be poly; but again, I don't know the situation for sure, so I can't truly say.

Best,

[nycindie]

Tinyblu, just curious... are you still secretly seeing his other girlfriend/fuck buddy? Or did you come clean to him about that, if it's still continuing? I am sure you are aware that honesty and openness on both sides is going to benefit you in the long run. What goes around comes around, as they say.

[lemniscate]

Okay, I read the other threads. Wow, mama, you have gotten yourself into a mess!

What it seems to me is that your relationship is pretty darn dysfunctional. My advice from my previous reply still stands, but honestly, if I were you, I would just leave.