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  #11  
Old 09-20-2011, 04:59 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Default UPDATE: Total Over Reaction

...so after reading some of the advice, I decided to call my guy and talk to him (ignoring his call was rather juvenille). I told him (calmly) I was upset about an email I received from ____ (said her name) and began a rant about me not needing to know about his "escapades" (I actually used that word), and not wanting to be contacted by one of his "toys".

That's when he informed me (calmly) that the woman was actually not a toy at all...she's a co-worker. The emails that I received often had something to do with his job and her name just started showing up recently because she just returned to work...from maternity leave!!!! I was SOOOOOO embarassed!

The great thing about yet another one of my meltdowns was that the important question got asked and answered... where is this coming from?

As much as I hated to admit it to him, I had to let him know that I am feeling insecure in the relationship. Being one that always tries to appear play it cool all the time, I hate admitting vulnerability in that area. I admitted to him that I am afraid he's going to leave.

Though I didn't tell him, I am starting to get emotionally invested in this guy. I started off thinking I could just be OK with a sexual relationship and get wined and dined in the process, but I am starting to have feelings for him, and I am TERRIFIED!!!!! My last relationship ended very painfully when the guy dropped me (as I perceived it) out of the blue. I never saw it coming because I was so happy with that man. After that heartbreak I vowed to never feel that way again. It took me a year to get over that.

So, here I am again recognizing that this is more than the casual, sex thing I have tried to convince myself it is and I am working diligently to push him away before I am too far gone.

...he really re-assured me that he's not going to leave and let me know that he understood that since I am new to this lifestyle that things are going to come up, and that it's OK for me to communicate those things to him, that he won't think I'm psycho-bitch for feeling. That helped a lot.

He also reminded me of lessons he's learned, namely from the awkward threesome episode. He said he would NEVER try to force me into indulging a fantasy of his nor would he ever just spring someone on me ever again. He assured me that if someone significant entered his life, he would make sure I am well informed about her and we would make the decision together about how we would introduce her into our lives, and it would NEVER be a requirement for me to enter a sexual relationship with her (He joked that he's done with the Hugh Hefner ideal.). That made me feel a lot better.

So... a not so great way to learn a lesson (I'm sure he could have done without the meltdown or Columbo stunt), but this just reconfirms that I gotta open my mouth, not just with him but in a LOT of situations, and learn not to feel bad for saying what I feel. NOT saying what I feel is proving to be the most detrimental...

OK... shutting up now. Thanks for letting me get things off my chest (again)
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  #12  
Old 09-20-2011, 05:34 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
Actiually I don't dismiss anything. I take advice not ridicule which is something you are notorious for.
I never ridiculed you. I have made sincere efforts, in a no-nonsense manner, to point out behaviors of this guy's and yours that are detrimental to your well-being in this relationship. Others have told you the same things I have, and just as directly. Go re-read a few of the responses to your "Should I Say Something" thread. I am not the only one who has communicated harsh words to you that you needed to hear. Obviously, others beside myself felt you needed something to shake you up.


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. . .have you always been a cynical, mean person?
Nope, never have been cynical or mean. That's your perception. I guess you only want people to respond with very gentle, sweet answers. Maybe you should post in the Blog section, then, and not in the forum sections where debate and criticism are allowed.


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Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
My goodness! CHILAX!!!!
I am very relaxed, thanks. You're the one posting in caps and exclamation points, LOL.

Look, whenever anyone reads my posts, they should just imagine me sitting next to them with a firm but tender hand on their arm, giving them a tough-love approach, with a look of concern in my eyes and a soft but assertive tone of voice. I don't sit here spending all this time answering posts on a fucking message board because I don't give a shit or just want to be a douchebag. I have better things to do with my time and energy than to yank people around. Anything I say comes from a place of concern and caring.

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I'm sure you are very well versed in Polyamory, but your negativity has exceeded my threshold . . .
Nope, not well-versed in poly. I only pointed out things that common sense in any relationship would tell me. I was never negative, I was just holding up a mirror (so to speak) by mentioning things that it seemed you were doing that were working against your benefit, or issues that would be helpful to look at.


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Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
As they say in the south where I'm from. If you can't say SOMETHING nice, don't say anything AT ALL!!!!!
Well, I'm from NYC where we tell it like it is, and don't waste energy prettying up the reality of a situation for people. Relationships are hard, poly is tricky. You can't be a southern belle about this stuff. You got yourself in a situation, complained about a lot of it, and didn't seem to acknowledge many of the responses you got. If you've found it helpful to come here, I am truly glad. I hope it keeps getting better for you, though I have a feeling that you won't realize there are plenty of good men out there while so focused on this one. You say you are learning to communicate more effectively with him, so that is a really great move in a good, healing direction.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-20-2011 at 09:14 AM.
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  #13  
Old 09-20-2011, 07:54 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Tinyblu, you always refer to your boyfriend's potential other partners as "toys". Do you understand that if he's really poly, he might be pursuing real relationships with other women--like, serious ones? Poly people don't just have "escapades" with outside partners. I hope this has been explained to you.

I am confused about your situation. If this woman is just a co-worker who's come back from mat leave, why is she emailing you and chat requesting you? Do you have something to do with his job?

You admit that you over-reacted, but still say that being contacted by "one of his toys" is unacceptable to you. Why?
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  #14  
Old 09-20-2011, 08:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
Tinyblu, you always refer to your boyfriend's potential other partners as "toys". Do you understand that if he's really poly, he might be pursuing real relationships with other women--like, serious ones? Poly people don't just have "escapades" with outside partners. I hope this has been explained to you.
Yes, it still seems that the OP doesn't quite understand what poly is about, but I wonder if that is because her bf is using the label polyamory while actually just playing at polyfuckery.

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Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
. . . the woman was actually not a toy at all . . .
No woman is ever a toy! Referring to her as a toy reflects more about the person saying those things than the woman herself. Seeing a person as an object is extremely disrespectful.


The only exception, of course, is if there is some consent on someone's part to be in the role of a toy, in kinky D/s games or something (I'm sure there is something like that out there), but that doesn't apply here.
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  #15  
Old 09-20-2011, 08:12 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes, it still seems that the OP doesn't quite understand what poly is about, but I wonder if that is because her bf is using the label polyamory while actually just playing at polyfuckery.
This is what I suspect, yes. Tinyblu, I think your boyfriend is explaining poly wrong to you. It doesn't mean what he says it means. It doesn't mean that he gets to cheat on you and then not even bother to go to the trouble of hiding it.

(Disclaimer: there's nothing wrong with polyfuckery if that's what everyone involved is into!)
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  #16  
Old 09-20-2011, 08:49 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes, it still seems that the OP doesn't quite understand what poly is about, but I wonder if that is because her bf is using the label polyamory while actually just playing at polyfuckery.



No woman is ever a toy! Referring to her as a toy reflects more about the person saying those things than the woman herself. Seeing a person as an object is extremely disrespectful.


The only exception, of course, is if there is some consent on someone's part to be in the role of a toy, in kinky D/s games or something (I'm sure there is something like that out there), but that doesn't apply here.

Saying "toy" was my ever-so-nice attempt at sarcasm. Sorry Yanks, I'm not as good at it as others!!! I was just saying that because I was angry.
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  #17  
Old 09-20-2011, 08:59 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
I am confused about your situation. If this woman is just a co-worker who's come back from mat leave, why is she emailing you and chat requesting you? Do you have something to do with his job?

You admit that you over-reacted, but still say that being contacted by "one of his toys" is unacceptable to you. Why?
Sometimes my guy asks for my input on projects he is working on (we both write) and he just adds me to the list of coworkers whose opinions he values. Other than that, I have no idea why she was reaching out to me. Of course, all of this could have been avoided by me simply inquiring about her when I initially had questions. Instead, I invented an entire scenario in my head (because of fear) to sabatoge the relationship. It's a habit I need to break...

After we talked last night, I now understand that he will only facilitate communication between me and anyone else he deems significant. He made it clear that he wants a RELATIONSHIP (that word is scary to me) with me and while he may entertain other women from time to time, that he will keep that DADT.

I think the same rules apply to me, but I choose not to sleep with other men. I try to go out with other guys, but when they figure out that their not getting any, they lose interest quickly. So... is that mono by default?
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  #18  
Old 09-20-2011, 09:05 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Default Sorry About My Meltdown!

My apologies for irrationally lashing out at certain posters. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me.


I still don't get a lot of this polyamory stuff. Maybe it is fucking around with permission, but at least I'm not being lied to. In my past relationships (all bad), the NOT knowing and the sneaking around is what ended up hurting me the most. Those past hurts still creep up and cause me to go all ape shit for fear of getting hurt.

I get that you are trying to help me, and I very well may crashing and burning, but this poly relationship, with all its ups and downs is the best relationship I've been in (that may not be saying much).

I don't think my guy is bad. I think that I have NO idea what I'm doing and my fear of speaking up ends up causing me more harm than good. Add that to me fighting actually developing feelings for this guy and I am torturing myself...

Sigh... I'm really making this difficult aren't I???? I'm the one who needs to CHILAX...
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  #19  
Old 09-20-2011, 09:10 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
This is what I suspect, yes. Tinyblu, I think your boyfriend is explaining poly wrong to you. It doesn't mean what he says it means. It doesn't mean that he gets to cheat on you and then not even bother to go to the trouble of hiding it.

(Disclaimer: there's nothing wrong with polyfuckery if that's what everyone involved is into!)
How can you "cheat" in a poly relationship?

Can you please define polyfuckery?
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  #20  
Old 09-20-2011, 09:13 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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In my past relationships (all bad), the NOT knowing and the sneaking around is what ended up hurting me the most.
In this case a DADT policy may not be the best option. I'm not saying that he should share all the "details" but keeping you informed may be helpful to avoid past triggers.

Based on his response to your "freak out/meltdown" I think you may have a pretty decent guy here.
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