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Old 09-20-2011, 02:18 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 495

Yes. Most of them.

He felt bad about the fact that he was learning from fucking up with me. He knew it sucked for me and felt bad that it took him that long to figure it out. It's nice to hear... but then it doesn't ever change anything in the present.

I don't know... I guess I just need to have more patience and let things mellow out (I hope!).

I think the basic problem is that he has focus issues (ADHD), and it's very hard for him to split his time between two people, both of whom need him quite a bit right now. He seems (in my perspective) to give the energy to the person who demands it the most-- and that person isn't me. Not that I don't take his time when I need it, but I also want to feel like he participates with me WITHOUT me having to ask him, otherwise I feel like I'm begging for a morsel of time and attention.

I also feel like he has a limited amount of energy for emotional issues (I've always seen that in him), and it's like it all gets expended on the GF dealing with issues and long distance, so there's nothing left for me. And if I do bring something up that needs to be dealt with it seems like it overwhelms him-- because he's been dealing with emotional stuff all day (but not from me).

I talked to him a bit today on text and said that I have been feeling second best lately, and apparently she has too. Which sucks for him because he's working his ass off to try to balance, and it's not working very well. I told him that time, energy and attention are limited resources. Personally from what little he's said I think she thinks I get a lot more time attention and focus than I do. When we (the GF and I) had spoken back in June, I told her that he texts, calls and speaks to her MUCH more than me, that he hardly texts me at all. She told me that she assumed he communicated with me the same amount as he did with her, and I explained that he had limited energy for that kind of thing, so because he was talking so much with her, he really didn't have that much energy left for me (he needs to recharge). I don't think she believes that, which is unfortunate, but what can I do?

And-- they had all of this time together with no kids, nothing else to do, no real responsibilities other than work. We (hubs and I) have a daughter living at home, my son that visits every other weekend, and lots of responsibilities, so even though we may be in the same house, we are mostly not even in the same room, and mostly not really interacting much-- at least not alone. It's not like we get to spend every night watching movies, cuddling and fucking our brains out. And I think she thinks that's what's going on and that's causing her to feel left out. Which is funny because she actually gets more one on one, focused time to talk about their relationship than I do with him. LOL. What a big ol mess of crappy assumptions and communication!!

I'm still not really sure how to deal with that. Or even if I can. Or should? Anyway, I did let him know how I was feeling, so that was good and needed to be done. Beyond that I need to give it time and have patience. This balancing act will take time. Getting our relationship out of Intensive Care will take time-- and effort. The hardest part for me right now is balancing what I tell him about how I'm feeling. He needs to know when I feel ignored, when I feel like we're not focusing on each other enough. But he also needs time to balance his other relationship. And time to just sit and BE without either of us demanding things from him.

Last edited by Minxxa; 09-20-2011 at 03:16 PM.
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anxiety, coping, marriage

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