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Old 09-20-2011, 03:31 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Thank you, AT. Gia is still a person whether I call her my girlfriend, my wife, my primary, my secondary, my boo, my snugglebunny, my life partner, my lover, my amorata, my Domme, my Lady, my baby momma, or my piece on the side. They're all just words, though some may be more accurate or loving than others. What matters is how I treat her.

Why get so worked up over the simple question of what word is best to use? Of course I treat her like an individual. Of course I see her as a human being. Of course I love her, not a word. Of course I don't think I own her (though, er, in a D/s sense I wouldn't mind *her* owning *me*!). Giving our relationship a name doesn't make it less and it doesn't make it bad. I can always change the name later if I want. If *we* want. Describing is not defining.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 09-20-2011, 12:29 PM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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I have to agree with you, Senga. "I love [insert name(s) here]. They are my partner(s)". Even if you do have a specific, hierarchal thing going on at home, doesn't mean you have to simply describe them as primary, secondary and so forth.

I think if you did actually have time to have a real conversation about it, you would have that time to actually explain who they are to you, rather than using these words too.
Rather than, "this is my primary", you could instead go for something like "I love all of these people, but I only live with this person. We share the finances and other priorities, such as looking after our children, but still make time for the others in our lives".

There's recurring comments around this whole forum about "use the language of the people you are speaking to". You use words like primary and secondary, most people jump to the conclusion that the secondary would mean less to you. That isn't the fault of language, it is the way you choose to use it.
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Old 09-20-2011, 01:17 PM
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Senga Senga is offline
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I guess I feel like I shouldnt have to explain to every random person I introduce my friends/lovers to 'why I decided' to be friends or date them. It seems like a conversation about the complexities of my inter-connected relationships is far too informal for a formal situation where just introducing them as a person would suffice. If someone is interested to ask questions, then maybe I could go into more detail one on one.

It would be like asking a married person "why did you two get married", as soon as you meet them. Such a loaded question! So many variables that contribute to the 'why'. It's kinda past the line of polite conversation in my book.

If you are friends with someone & want to tell them about your relationship well then sure, use the terminology that you would like, but in my experience it will take just as long to explain it & then explain the terminology. lol I have found that describing the needs they fulfill is more clear; the amount of time, resources, etc whatever determining factor you use. No one's needs are the same so no label is going to fit everything.
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Old 09-20-2011, 07:51 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Senga View Post
I guess I feel like I shouldnt have to explain to every random person I introduce my friends/lovers to 'why I decided' to be friends or date them.

. . . It's kinda past the line of polite conversation in my book.
Of course, you shouldn't have to explain anything to anyone that you don't want to. If someone asks a question that you feel is rude or too personal, why wouldn't you simply say, "That's a rather personal question" or "I don't feel a need to explain myself" (add a look on your face that clearly tells them they're being an ass, and you've made your point), and leave it at that? You don't owe anyone any explanations, so who cares if they ask.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Old 09-23-2011, 01:30 AM
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lemniscate lemniscate is offline
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Location: Oregon
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I just call my husband my husband, my boyfriend my boyfriend, and his wife my girlfriend, or my boyfriend's wife if I'm trying to keep context. I guess though that because I'm married, this makes it a little easier to do that.

However, I don't think of my boyfriend and girlfriend as 'secondaries.' I just call them partners or sweeties when describing my situation to other people. It's easy.

You're right, I don't think anyone needs to get worked up. I do think though that we should all just do what we think is best. Don't worry what others think of your wording choice. If you want to use the term 'secondary,' cool beans. If you don't, 'cool beans.' Anyone that would judge you for this is pretty silly I think and should worry about themselves. We're all so different that it doesn't make sense to compartmentalize (unless of course, that's your thing!)
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definitions, descriptions, hierarchy, perscriptions, primary/secondary, secondaries, secondary, terminology

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