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Old 09-17-2011, 03:24 PM
purplelotus purplelotus is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Default SO New to Poly...

I recently started spending time with a guy who was separated from his wife. Since then they have reconciled, but they now have an open marriage. He still wants us to spend time together, and so do I. However, I am not poly. I'm not currently involved with anyone else, but it still seems weird to me to be spending time with someone else's husband...and it's ok in their marriage...? I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this type of relationship, or just any suggestions, period.

Thank you! )
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Old 09-17-2011, 05:21 PM
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JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Tacoma/Tucson (long story)
Posts: 75

Hi, purplelotus,

I'm glad you're willing to explore this with your guy and that you're here.

I am married and two of my other partners are as well. My husband also has a partner who is married. For me, it works because of compersion. The I define compersion as taking joy from my partner's joy. For example, when I know that my husband is with his partner and they are having a good time together, I feel good. It makes me happy to know that he his happy with someone else. It makes me happy to know he loves other people.

Another part of it, for me, is that I know I cannot be all things for one partner. The way we live in the Western world these days, moving around and moving away from family and established friendships, we often place the burden to be our emotional support on one person. Because I know that I can't meet all of my husband's needs, I am happy he has found someone who can fill things I can't. An obvious example of this is that we are both bisexual. Since he's not a woman, he can't fill the spot in me that years for a woman.

It can take some time to wrap your head around polyamory if it's new to you. Please be gentle with yourself and try not to rush. That never works.

"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
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Old 09-17-2011, 06:32 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Hey purplelotus, you'll find that your situation is very common in poly circles. As you can see in my signature line, I'm dating a married woman.

I would recommend reaching out to his wife in the hopes of building a cordial relationship where you can communicate about problems you might accidentally be causing each other, rather than solely using your shared guy as a go-between. This will also help build trust and compassion between you, which will make everything less scary, on both ends. Ideally, it could even develop into a strong friendship!

Your position is a difficult one, in that it brings up some big questions. Is he willing, potentially in the future, to commit to you at the same level as his commitment to his wife? If not, could you deal with it? Would you ever consider taking another partner to fulfill the needs he can't/won't if his marriage is the thing that will always come first for him?

There are some GREAT articles on dealing with these and other questions at www.xeromag.com, check it out if you haven't already.

Best of luck!
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 09-20-2011, 12:35 AM
purplelotus purplelotus is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2

Thank you both for your insights! Still feeling it all out. I guess one of my concerns here is that I'm not poly, and don't really see myself going that way. I am fully aware and understand the arrangement this guy has with his wife...and surprisingly I think I'm OK with it! Normally I would never consider at all spending time with a married man! But we have such a strong connection (bizarrely strong!), it's very difficult to deny it or stay away from it when I don't really HAVE to....? My thought is that since I'm not seeing anyone else right now, why not just enjoy what I do have! So, is it OK for a non-poly to be a part of this? Even though I don't see myself going poly, I can be very fun and adventurous....

Thanks again!
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Old 09-20-2011, 12:52 AM
Hardison Hardison is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 26

Originally Posted by purplelotus View Post
My thought is that since I'm not seeing anyone else right now, why not just enjoy what I do have! So, is it OK for a non-poly to be a part of this? Even though I don't see myself going poly, I can be very fun and adventurous....
I think it sounds like you would be fine with it, it sounds like he and his wife would be. I don't see a problem. Make sure you make it clear to him that you are and imagine you always will be mono.

Make sure he understands what you expect of him in the relationship, and that if some other fella comes along who sweeps you off your feet and can offer you something more than this relationship can that there is a possibility you may have to end what you have with him.

As long as everyone involved has the same expectations and everyone is ok with it, it's your lives and your relationship. Live it as you please.
Male, married, new here, not quite poly. (but poly curious)
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Old 09-20-2011, 12:54 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Hi purplelotus! Of course, you can be in relationship with whomever you want, no one in the poly community needs to approve you or stamp your hand for access to our world, LOL.

We have a member here, Sage, who blogs specifically about her experiences as a mono in relationship with someone who is poly. You might want to start with her oldest entries first, so you can see how she adjusted, shifted her views with new discoveries, and struggled with certain issues. She also wrote an e-book for monos. If you visit her blog, you can order one (it seems that the link she has on the right-hand column is the correct one for ordering). Here is the link: http://polyamorouspeople.typepad.com/polyamorous-people

There are also some Yahoo groups for people in poly-mono relationships. I know one of them is here: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PolyMono/

But feel free to ask away! There are a few monos in poly-mono relationships here.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 09-20-2011 at 12:56 AM.
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