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  #11  
Old 12-04-2010, 06:50 PM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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Originally Posted by Danny40179 View Post
I see. Well for starters I think it's easier to find a man that's willing to be a bit more open about this lifestyle than women. I lucked out when I found our gf, but aside from her, there aren't too many women out there keen on the idea of my lifestyle.
Yeah, most of the couples I've talked to, the woman has more dates than the man. :/ I already had trouble finding dates because I'm so shy. Now it's going to be even harder.

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I think it's nice that she's trying to be supportive, but I think maybe she needs to go about it a different way? Telling you that you're not living up to your potential isn't necessarily a great way to give someone a pat on the back.
Yeah.

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And, while I know she's not doing anything wrong, maybe she can slow down a bit more so you can feel a bit more comfortable? I know that may not seem fair, but one thing I learned in this lifestyle is that you have to go at the pace of the slowest individual.
She was already doing that, though. She keeps volunteering to limit herself to make it easier on me, but then I just feel guilty. She hadn't seen anyone else in several weeks, so I suggested the date she went on last Tuesday, and felt 100% good about it, but then she just followed through with a bunch of other ones, too. It's fine; I just need reassurance or something. Or I need to learn to be more aggressive myself, which I wanted to do anyway.
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  #12  
Old 12-05-2010, 04:00 AM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Ok, well there are two things that you said you needed. Maybe she could work on trying to reassure you better? Come to some sort of happy medium.

As far as being more aggressive, this is a great opportunity to figure out how to do that in a fashion that works best for you.

Good luck!!
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  #13  
Old 09-14-2011, 03:33 AM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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So we've been together over a year. We love each other, things are good. But this continues to be just as bad as ever. She gets home from work and complains that she is "being assaulted on all sides ... so many boys ... its overwhelming".

Yeah, um, I know. :/

I haven't been on a date in months, I get up the nerve to first contact some girls on OkC, and no responses, no stalkers. She says I shouldn't compare myself to others, I'm too picky, etc., but some of her boys are equally busy with other girls, and I can't help but compare myself with them.

How do I stop feeling bad about this? It is pretty bizarre to be cuddling with an awesome girl and still feel lonely because you can't get a date with a second girl.
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  #14  
Old 09-19-2011, 09:34 PM
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I haven't been on a date in months, I get up the nerve to first contact some girls on OkC, and no responses, no stalkers. She says I shouldn't compare myself to others, I'm too picky, etc., but some of her boys are equally busy with other girls, and I can't help but compare myself with them.
As long as you're comparing yourself to your girlfriend and to these other guys your initial emails are going to probably sound desperate (no matter how much you don't want them to). Sometimes taking a step back and just enjoying life is a good thing. Contact those on OKC who you are truly interested in (and not just because they're female, poly and in the right age bracket) and then go out and do things that you like to do. Don't worry about whether contact with women is going to lead to a date or not. Once you're really into you you'll find that other people are into you as well.
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  #15  
Old 09-24-2011, 11:47 AM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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Ok, now I'm upset. And by that I mean "worried" or "sick to stomach", not "angry". (I don't get angry easily, unless I feel I have been wronged in some way.)

She had a brunch first date with A on Friday, it went well and they kissed, but she was not 100% impressed with him. This kind of date makes me feel relief. That she is into someone but not so much it is threatening. ideally, this would make me feel disappointment for her instead

Wednesday I saw her and she told me about the date in person, which is always reassuring.

Thursday she had a brunch first date with B, and it went better than most, they have "strong chemistry" and made out. She hasn't told me much about the date, probably waiting until we're together today to give me a play-by-play. She hadn't talked about him much before this, so I barely know anything about this guy. Does he know about me? Is he poly? If so, does he have experience with it or is he just trying it out for the first time? After work, A wanted to see her, but she postponed because she is so enamored with B now.

Last night she went out drinking with coworkers, which was a planned thing I knew about, but then "ran into" B afterward and made out. "he was very respectful of my wishes to not go home with him etc." though they planned to see each other after work tomorrow, which I assume is not just a casual date.

She wrote me about it immediately when she got home, and is following our rule of no sex with new people until we've discussed it. She reassures me saying we will talk more about it and she cannot wait to see me today and loves me. But I am still upset.

She has a lot of dates, so many I can't keep track of who is who. (She can't even keep track of them all sometimes, or fit them into her schedule.) I will be worried and insecure about A, and then a few days later A isn't important and B is suddenly the one she's crushing on instead, and I am not prepared for it? I am overwhelmed. She moves much faster than me and is more aggressive and forward.

I haven't had a date since April, and when I was dating, I'd go on 2 or 3 dates with a girl without ever kissing. I am very shy.
I'm sorry, but I can't not compare myself to her. It's impossible. I have to compare myself to the guys she's seeing too. They are also doing just as well. And I can't contact or date new girls if I'm depressed or insecure.

This is not working well for me. I clearly have needs that are not being met, but I don't know what they specifically are or what to ask for. She is following all our rules and trying to be proactive about communication and reassurance. But any time a date goes really well I am nervous and worried instead of feeling compersion or happiness for her.

(Should I be posting under new threads instead of in the introduction forum?)

Last edited by cuddlecakes; 09-24-2011 at 11:50 AM.
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  #16  
Old 09-24-2011, 11:49 AM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
As long as you're comparing yourself to your girlfriend and to these other guys your initial emails are going to probably sound desperate (no matter how much you don't want them to).
I know this. This is why I have stopped trying to message them. I don't know how to create confidence out of nothing, and if I try to fake it, it will not work, and if I message without confidence, I will make a bad first impression, which can be unrecoverable. My messages are too sober and matter of fact. I need to be fun and flirty and witty like I used to be, but I can't just squeeze it out if I'm in bad moods.

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Sometimes taking a step back and just enjoying life is a good thing. Contact those on OKC who you are truly interested in (and not just because they're female, poly and in the right age bracket) and then go out and do things that you like to do. Don't worry about whether contact with women is going to lead to a date or not. Once you're really into you you'll find that other people are into you as well.
It's a dating site. It will be a date, whether we pretend otherwise or not.
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  #17  
Old 09-24-2011, 12:36 PM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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As expected, her "running into him" was more like "we were texting all night and decided to meet up at 3 am, which I normally would never do because it's so late, but I was drunk".

I hate it when she downplays things like that. Just be honest, even if it's bad, and I'll know you're at least trying to be honest with me and are committed to me.

Ok, so now I am mad at her for actively meeting up with him. We are supposed to tell each other as much as possible about dates beforehand. That can't happen with spontaneous things like this. Spontaneous coffee friendly dates are ok as long as I hear about them afterward, but this is not that kind of date.
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  #18  
Old 09-24-2011, 02:44 PM
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(Should I be posting under new threads instead of in the introduction forum?)
Yes, I think so. The "New to Poly" forum would be more appropriate. I suggest you PM a mod (Neon Kaos or Red Pepper) and ask them to split this thread starting from your 9/13/11 post.
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  #19  
Old 09-24-2011, 02:48 PM
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As expected, her "running into him" was more like "we were texting all night and decided to meet up at 3 am, which I normally would never do because it's so late, but I was drunk".

I hate it when she downplays things like that. Just be honest, even if it's bad, and I'll know you're at least trying to be honest with me and are committed to me.

Ok, so now I am mad at her for actively meeting up with him. We are supposed to tell each other as much as possible about dates beforehand. That can't happen with spontaneous things like this. Spontaneous coffee friendly dates are ok as long as I hear about them afterward, but this is not that kind of date.
Yes, I agree she is breaking boundaries. Broken boundaries increase jealousy. Firm agreed upon and acted upon boundaries increase trust and compersion.

She doesn't even sound polyamorous to me, but more into "poly-fuckery," which is fine, but call it like it is. She must be a cute, flirty, sexy girl into drinking and partying, and boys are drawn to her like moths to flame. No doubt it's fun for her, the ego strokes, the sexual stimulation, the tipsiness, the dancing. The NRE.

Does this suit you?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #20  
Old 09-24-2011, 03:12 PM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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Yes, I think so. The "New to Poly" forum would be more appropriate. I suggest you PM a mod (Neon Kaos or Red Pepper) and ask them to split this thread starting from your 9/13/11 post.
Ok that's a good idea.
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