List on how to communicate

[Lane]

These aren't communication methods, just passive aggressive ways of getting what you want, or teaching your partner a lesson.

Personally I find this approach somewhat mean and not very effective. Perhaps I'm just young and naive, but I'd rather not strand my partner on the toilet. Also, we don't live together so we don't fight about these things.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I think listening and being present are the most important elements of communication. So, I can't follow a communication "technique," since for me, it takes me out of the present moment to make sure I'm "doing it correctly." If I am present and simply paying attention to what's being said, really listening and not monitoring myself on how I'm doing, I can communicate what needs to be said effectively and compassionately.

It does take practice to actually make changes in how we communicate. I have found that I do have to think about it, but because what I was doing before wasn't working, it is necessary. When I get really riled, I tend to stray into unrelated topics. Which is kinda like using a machine gun aimed from the hip. Point, shoot, empty clip, "Opps, you mean I was supposed to aim before shooting?" So now I hear a phrase from Star Wars go through my head, but instead of "Stay on Target", it's "Stay on Topic", repeating over and over in my head.

[Lane]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

It does take practice to actually make changes in how we communicate. I have found that I do have to think about it, but because what I was doing before wasn't working, it is necessary. When I get really riled, I tend to stray into unrelated topics. Which is kinda like using a machine gun aimed from the hip. Point, shoot, empty clip, "Opps, you mean I was supposed to aim before shooting?" So now I hear a phrase from Star Wars go through my head, but instead of "Stay on Target", it's "Stay on Topic", repeating over and over in my head.

Agreed. When I get angry I can't seem to use proper "I" statements that own my feelings. I never intend to blame anyone, but I do because of how accustomed I am to that style of communication. It takes really careful thought to change that in the heat of the moment, and I am still struggling with it.

[NeonKaos]

Read some Alfred Korzybski / General Semantics. Start with Wiki and work your way from there. Then come see me and we'll have a conversation that makes sense.

[redpepper]

The thing with "I" statements is that empathy is what should create them. Put your self in the other persons shoes before dishing out what you want to say. If you would be offended, hurt and unsafe to continue communicating then chances are they would feel the same way. I have found that people don't generally get when you say they are a certain way or care that much, but when they come up with it themselves because they know how someone feels when they are a certain way, they are more likely to make a change in what they are doing. They are more likely to empathize with ME. Win win if you ask me. I get to express my feelings and own them and they get to give something back in the form of making a change to better care for another.

[SNeacail]

Avoid "Why" questions as they tend to put the other person on the defensive. I guess it also ties into the "I" vs "you" statements.

"Why does this subject make you so upset?" vs "I'm struggling to understand your depth of emotion to this subject!"

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Avoid "Why" questions as they tend to put the other person on the defensive. I guess it also ties into the "I" vs "you" statements.

"Why does this subject make you so upset?" vs "I'm struggling to understand your depth of emotion to this subject!"

changing "why" into "how" seems to help; "why do you feel this way, "how is it you have come to feel this way." Doesn't always work though. Also changing "but" into "and"... "But I love him too," and "And I love him too.."

[nycindie]

I have problems with basic communication skills being turned into a technique or system to follow. I've taken tons of communication workshops with great teachers and what I've learned is that being present, being open, and truly listening without an agenda is the way to communicate effectively. Putting ourselves in someone else's shoes so we can hear them from their point of view is also key. All this, of course, takes practice. However, following some recipe for self-expression seems silly to me. Making sure we're adhering to some standardized process can take us out of the moment and prevent us from actually connecting with someone because we're too busy monitoring ourselves.

So, I think it's also important that we not be too rigid with ourselves. If we find a technique or process that works, don't beat ourselves up for veering off that path once in a while, or for letting volatile feelings get in the way of all the calm, rational, "I sentences" we're supposed to be having if we're enlightened. Sometimes a genuine outburst does more to get a message across than a studied, carefully constructed sentence. Develop the skills but throw away the rule book.

[SourGirl]

^^ Win.

[NeonKaos]

It's better when folks just come right out and say what they mean. A lot of unnecessary obfuscation happens when people try to beat around the bush out of trying to protect each other from the truth and/or reality.