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  #11  
Old 09-19-2011, 04:43 PM
Lane Lane is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, what do you mean by "poly sex," exactly?
Hell if I know. Just wondering if they had a different question in mind than the one that got answered.
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  #12  
Old 09-19-2011, 10:59 PM
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Hell if I know.
Hahaha!!
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  #13  
Old 09-21-2011, 09:30 PM
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Generally in poly there is no "couple." That is more a "swinging" notion or "open." If a couple enters poly thinking that they are the primary and they will obtain a secondary it ends in hurt feelings, love not being evenly distributed amongst the three and the secondary being ditched because she or he is wrecking the "couple." The attitude of couples is generally not lined up for poly. I would check your agenda with this personally.

I agree with the search idea and see if you might want to keep with swinging... I noticed you are swingers from another thread. Either that or prepare for independence, autonomy and to have your whole notion of coupledom be turned on its head. If it even exists in poly for the long haul.

Of course there are some occasions where a couple own a secondary, but they are usually few and far between and occur over time and with experience. Depending also on how long it lasts. I would say that the scenario you seek lasts about a month or so. Over a year; rare to nil.
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  #14  
Old 09-22-2011, 02:23 AM
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When it comes to sex / sleeping / other bedroom activities in the world of poly there are many options, and many different configurations and answers that you'll get if you ask anyone what they personally do and how they personally arrange their relationships.

I do agree with other posters that the 'unicorn' fantasy does not generally work out. I have never been one for black and white thinking, so I am sure that somewhere, somehow there is a unicorn relationship that has worked out, but of the very few that I've seen, none of them have worked out longer than a few months.

I think, and of course I've not had firsthand experience, because my relationships are not of this variety, that the unicorn fantasy compartmentalizes the relationship too much, and doesn't allow for growth. It has never appealed to me personally because a couple looking for their unicorn to me seems like they are looking for a toy, or a possession rather than a relationship. Granted, I could be wrong, but this is just what I've observed...

That being said, sex does tend to happen in poly relationships (and all others, of course); There are nine people total in our poly family between my husband and I and our partners and their partners, and I have sex with three of those people. We don't require that everyone's partners have sex with everyone else. We allow everything to ebb and flow naturally and to move at the pace it will.

My advice is that in your particular situation, write down or discuss exactly why you are seeking the third partner. What reasons do you have? Does it have to do with sex primarily, or companionship? What benefits would you all three gain from this partnership?

Please know that I'm definitely not trying to be a party pooper or a naysayer; it just sounds like your goal is slightly unrealistic as of yet. That's not to say that it will be that way always. If you're new to poly, you have the opportunity to learn from those around you, explore your own motivations, do some self-work, and fine tune your goals and desires to what really works for you, and the other person that may potentially come into your life.

Best,
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  #15  
Old 09-22-2011, 02:53 AM
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Sometimes I'll sleep with my two partners but I often sleep in the spare room. I'm tall and I need my room to sleep comfortably.
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  #16  
Old 09-22-2011, 03:24 AM
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I hear ya about that!!! I'm 6ft tall, which is tall for a lady, and I'm also somewhat er... fluffy. My hubby is 6'2" and my boyfriend is almost 6'6". His wife is average height but also of the somewhat fluffy variety, as is my husband's girlfriend (do we see a pattern here? lol) So sleeping together at least on a queen sized bed isn't always so comfy! We do manage it occasionally, however. Great news is, boyfriend and wife got a NEW KING SIZED bed today. I'm so excited! No more being squooshed into the wall!

That being said, we don't all sleep together, certainly not all the time. I will generally sleep on the couch when my husband's girlfriend comes over a) the bed isn't really big enough, and b) I like to give them the opportunity for alone time because they don't get it very often. She has kids and another SO, so when my husband goes there to visit they don't get much time to themselves.

When I go visit my boyfriend and his wife, we sleep together about half the time, and occasionally one of the two of them will sleep on the couch if they want to sprawl a little.
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  #17  
Old 09-22-2011, 03:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lemniscate View Post
I hear ya about that!!! I'm 6ft tall, which is tall for a lady, and I'm also somewhat er... fluffy. My hubby is 6'2" and my boyfriend is almost 6'6". His wife is average height but also of the somewhat fluffy variety, as is my husband's girlfriend (do we see a pattern here? lol) So sleeping together at least on a queen sized bed isn't always so comfy! We do manage it occasionally, however. Great news is, boyfriend and wife got a NEW KING SIZED bed today. I'm so excited! No more being squooshed into the wall!

That being said, we don't all sleep together, certainly not all the time. I will generally sleep on the couch when my husband's girlfriend comes over a) the bed isn't really big enough, and b) I like to give them the opportunity for alone time because they don't get it very often. She has kids and another SO, so when my husband goes there to visit they don't get much time to themselves.

When I go visit my boyfriend and his wife, we sleep together about half the time, and occasionally one of the two of them will sleep on the couch if they want to sprawl a little.
Wow you folks are tall. I'm only 6'1".
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  #18  
Old 09-22-2011, 09:16 PM
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I think part of the reason triads/unicorn relationships don't work out is because there is no room to move, to morph into what works. Generally there is an imbalance of time, depth of connection, interests, etc and I find that people seeking triads and unicorns are na´ve in thinking that there will be a complete balance. Generally this ends in one person suffering from that delusion and getting hurt because they had that fantasy. If it's a to work, I think all expectations and assumptions need to be dropped. That and working on your self for your self, not for "the couple" or anyone else, but because it comes down to the health and awareness of those involved.
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  #19  
Old 09-22-2011, 11:49 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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*I* think it's because those couples have no clue what they're doing. They THINK they do, but they don't. They usually see themselves as "one" entity and expect the triad to be "one" entity. If you were intended to be a "one entity" triad, god would have made you conjoined triplets when you were born. It just doesn't fucking WORK that way.
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  #20  
Old 09-24-2011, 02:15 PM
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I agree with many of the PP. I feel that it is near impossible to find a person who wants to be an addition to a couple, and if you do, you always have to take them into consideration. They may not have the same designs as you do, they may not be attracted to both of you, there are just way too many possible things to factor in. Don't get me wrong, I would SOO love a Unicorn to help us form a triad, but I am not going into this looking for one. I am just looking for someone to love, much like mono dating. If that someone happens to want to be with my spouse as well, BONUS!

Good luck with your Unicorn hunt!
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