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  #21  
Old 10-28-2009, 12:39 AM
violet violet is offline
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Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
its not a case of me wanting M more than montianboy,
i dont' love him more, but i do love him

i can have any other man on the planet that wants me, but i am in love with M, and i tried to cut him out i managed no contact for a year and it drove me mad,

i realised that i cant do it, i can't even explain why i can't do it but i just cant it hurts me too much,

i am prepared that i may lose montianboy,
i don't want to lose him, but i understand that i might
i do have faith that we can work through this

M is not a bad person he like me made a mistake, regrets it and is willing to do whatever it takes to regain montianboys trust, but i do not begrudge montianboy his feelings, because the mistake we made was so bad that we deserve those feelings,

i seem unable to change how i feel about M
so i have to try something diffrent even if it means i lose montianboy,

Jools
Sounds like you have your head on straight, and you know what you need to do for YOUR personal happiness. I really do wish you guys - all three of you - the best. I don't envy your situation. I ache for ya'll.
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  #22  
Old 10-28-2009, 12:39 AM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

It's not something you can even say WILL happen. You do the work, you see how far it gets you. Each step is an accomplishment in itself, but no step is a guarantee of reaching the last step.
this is where i get selfish
i am not willing to cut him out again, and not willing to say that i might not see him again because i know that if i give any hope that M can be cut out montianboy will cling onto this hope and focas on that and we will be back to square one,

so i say that yes i am going to see M again
but i am willing to be patiant to give you time and us time

we spent a year building trust between us again
and we have managed for me to see other men and that being ok
and now i am talking to M,
things are going very slowly, but i am not able to promise that i won't see him if montianboy tells me that he can't handle it becuase that is not a promise i can keep,

i am well aware how selfish that is, i wish i was a nice enough person to always put his happyness before my own but i can't, i dont want to spend my life unhappy and what kind of relationship would i have with montianboy anyway if i am losing my mind

Jools
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  #23  
Old 10-28-2009, 12:42 AM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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Originally Posted by violet View Post
Sounds like you have your head on straight, and you know what you need to do for YOUR personal happiness. I really do wish you guys - all three of you - the best. I don't envy your situation. I ache for ya'll.

honeslty it is not all bad,
we have a lot of happy times, especially in regards to C and R, who get on well.
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  #24  
Old 10-28-2009, 12:45 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by violet View Post
You have access to ANY OTHER MAN on the PLANET that will have you, TheMountainBoy has only asked that because of the pain that was caused by your cheating that you not develop a romantic relationship with M. That's what I asked of HMA. We had an open relationship, yes. And I was so uncomfortable with S because of what happened, I asked him to not fuck her. ANY woman but her. He agreed. It wasn't that much to ask.
(absolutely no disrespect violet i agree with most all you said including the last paragraph, it is a choice)-

The issues for me which you nicely addressedin this paragraph are that I wasn't DEVELOPING a relationship-even though it was developed incorrectly and unfairly-it was already developed and UNdeveloping my love was/is impossible.

Also it wasn't about fucking. I don't want to fuck anyone. Maca, C or anyone else. I was in love with both Maca and C and unable to stop those emotions. Therefore even though I tried to shut C out for Maca, that was part of me and my heart I was shutting out-and Maca didn't like who I was without C. As much as it still makes him puking sick to consider C and I making love and he doesn't want to see it for anything-he hated who I became without C as well and couldn't live with himself if he made a choice that forced that....

On that note-you both have some DEEP soul searching to do on this.

Is your love for M such that you can't be the person Mountainboy loves without M?

Is Mountainboys need to not have his pride assaulted or his heart pained by M's presence in your life strong enough to warrant not having you in his life?

There are more questions no doubt-but you both have some serious soul searching.

I will say-that there is NO WAY you can flourish as a couple AND you have a relationship with M if Mountainboy and M can't make peace over the past. No way-no how.

So if you two decide to allow M a place in your life Jools, then Mountainboy-you and M need to take a long walk, possibly off a short dock (preferably ending at cold water to cool off) and have a "coming to Jesus talk" as we say here. Get ALL the dirt out on the table. Hurt feelings, apologies, selfishnesses, hatred-everything out on the table. Because hatred in one part will kill all of the relationships eventually.
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  #25  
Old 10-28-2009, 12:53 AM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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"Is your love for M such that you can't be the person Mountainboy loves without M?

i don't believe i can be the person he loves without M, because i am so unhappy i don't believe that montianboy wants me to be unhappy.

i agree we all need to talk,
and i agree that they need to make peace
i know it will take time, and it won't happen all at once but i believe it can happen,

at the moment M is in the middle of a messy breakup,
(yes he was also in a relationship when we saw each other the first time) which i know is wrong,
but at the moment because of how complicated things are, we have agreed that we will be friends for now, and not see each other in person until we can get some of this sorted because M does not want me to break up with montianboy, he knows how unhappy i would be if i lost montianboy and things are just very complicated.

Jools
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  #26  
Old 10-28-2009, 12:58 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
"Is your love for M such that you can't be the person Mountainboy loves without M?

i don't believe i can be the person he loves without M, because i am so unhappy i don't believe that montianboy wants me to be unhappy.

i agree we all need to talk,
and i agree that they need to make peace
i know it will take time, and it won't happen all at once but i believe it can happen,

at the moment M is in the middle of a messy breakup,
(yes he was also in a relationship when we saw each other the first time) which i know is wrong,
but at the moment because of how complicated things are, we have agreed that we will be friends for now, and not see each other in person until we can get some of this sorted because M does not want me to break up with montianboy, he knows how unhappy i would be if i lost montianboy and things are just very complicated.

Jools
It will be hard. I hope that Mountainboy will read through Maca's posts and mine. It might help him-even if you two don't stay together, to see that it's not always so simple and help him make peace with his emotions too.

Good luck!
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  #27  
Old 10-28-2009, 01:09 AM
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TheMountainBoy TheMountainBoy is offline
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The last thing i expected was a response never mind so many!

Thank you all who have posted so far - it was really just a chance to put in writing (i did actually shorten it as didn't want to post my life story up!) and see in black and white what was going on.
I never intended to lay claim that jools was a villain or the 'bad one' but trying hard to stay objective whilst writing how i felt and still feel at times. I love jools with all my heart and know IF we split up i would never be able to fill the gap. I don't want to split. M represents so many thoughts and emotions, that i will suffer if he and ladyjools were to become an item again. But on flip side Ladyjools will suffer he is is cut out. So either way one of us will be left hurting.
I've never asked jools to remove him or ignore him, but i did suggest that i would leave if she did see him. The last thing i wanted weas to seem like we were airing our dirty laundry for all to see - if i wanted that i'd apply for teh Jeremy K show!!
She said that she would see him regardless of how i felt, it was just a matter of time but that if we try to deal with my feelings on this now, then there will be no problems and everyone will be happy in long run.

Partly i was interested to see if anyone would respond to get an idea if anyone had had a similar situation and maybe they could offer suggestions.
I was given teh ultimatum of "If i suggest that its either him or me, she will choose him. If he suggests she choose me or him she will choose me"

Like i said before - i'm between a rock and a hard place

Last edited by TheMountainBoy; 10-28-2009 at 01:12 AM.
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  #28  
Old 10-28-2009, 01:26 AM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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I've never asked jools to remove him or ignore him, but i did suggest that i would leave if she did see him.

this is why i cut him out for a year, because i didn't want you to leave. loving M does not take away any love i have for you, and i do not want to lose you. you never asked me to remove him but i knew if i did not then you where going to walk away, and that has been the reason i spent a year trying to ignore my feelings for him.

She said that she would see him regardless of how i felt, it was just a matter of time but that if we try to deal with my feelings on this now, then there will be no problems and everyone will be happy in long run.

what i mean by this, is not that i dont' care how you feel, i do care how you feel, it matters to me that this hurts you, but i realise that by cutting him out in order to keep you was making me very unhappy and becuase i was unhappy you cannot be happy... and so i made the choice to have him back in my life and hoped behond hope that you would be able to work on this with me so that i don't lose you, but when i made that choice i also came to terms with the fact that i could lose you,
i am so grateful that despite M you don't want to leave,
but i feel like you are tolarating this and thats as far as it goes, and i feel for us both to be happy it has to be more than tolarate, i agree with what a previous poster has said, you will have to make peace with M if we are to continue and all of us stay sane, you hating him won't work long term and where i can fully understand your feelings of hate towards him i am asking if we can start thinking about moving past the hate. M wants to talk to you he wants to work on some level of understanding with you where you are not hating each other, i belive that is possible becuase i know you and i know what you are capable off.

Partly i was interested to see if anyone would respond to get an idea if anyone had had a similar situation and maybe they could offer suggestions.
I was given teh ultimatum of "If i suggest that its either him or me, she will choose him. If he suggests she choose me or him she will choose me"


when ethier of you have asked me to choose i have said that i can't, and then i have given you both the option to walk away if you feel that me not making a choice is to much for you to cope with,
its not a case of choosing,
i can't choose that is the point.

and in all of this i have to remember that there is another person who this affects now, because Rs feeling also matter, and this has potential to hurt him too,

Jools
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  #29  
Old 10-28-2009, 02:14 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheMountainBoy View Post

Partly i was interested to see if anyone would respond to get an idea if anyone had had a similar situation and maybe they could offer suggestions.
I was given teh ultimatum of "If i suggest that its either him or me, she will choose him. If he suggests she choose me or him she will choose me"

Like i said before - i'm between a rock and a hard place
Yep-been there done that. Feel free to peruse our posts.
And yes I gave that same basic ultimatum-but I do with all my friends and lovers and always have. Only I get to choose who I love and who I befriend, but I respect any who feel they must leave on account of my choices and dont' hold grudges over it.
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  #30  
Old 10-28-2009, 02:17 AM
violet violet is offline
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Have ya'll talked about a compromise? Jools said she "felt more alive" now that she was just even talking to him again. Could there be an agreement to remain friends that could actually be HELD?

It would only work if you were completely trusting of one another. I don't know that I could be... But maybe it's an option to consider?
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