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  #21  
Old 09-17-2011, 08:29 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Sex usually gets much better for me the more often I do it with a particular person and the closer we are.

Sweet, vanilla sex feels good in a pure, physical way and in a cuddly, close-to-my-partner way. Rough, D/s sex feels deeply engaging in a way that puts me more in touch with myself.
Wow, I had to quote this since it's pretty much excactly how I feel. Although rougher sex feels good in a physical way, too, but it's different pleasure.

I've been thinking a lot about "casual sex" lately, and wondering if I am able to have that. I have very limited experience, but thus far I've only really wanted to be with people I like, and connecting in a sexual way has always deepened my feelings. And I have a hard time separating friend-love from partner-love... I'm not really sure if there is a difference between the types of love. Obviously I have some friends I'm totally platonic with, and I love them just as much. But the ones I have some sexual feelings towards.. I don't think it's really safe for me to go there expecting anything casual.

Then again, even though I can find a (near) stranger hot, in practice I haven't had a situation I would have actually wanted to have sex with them. I've experienced some major sexuality changes in recent years and nowadays I think the same goes generally for men: while I can find one hot I don't actually want to have sex with him. Alec is an exception to that "rule". I think that for me to really want to have sex with someone, I need to have a certain kind of connection with them. A connection which takes a while to form (so it doesn't exist with strangers) and one that I no longer make with men.

This would be my conclusion for now. Obviously, I'll have to re-evaluate if I ever meet a stranger/man I want to fuck.
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  #22  
Old 09-17-2011, 03:02 PM
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"Sex for me is a language, and an energy, and each person I am sexual with has their own sexual 'fingerprint.'" Well said, Geminigirl.
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  #23  
Old 09-17-2011, 04:03 PM
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I guess I am in the 'Never say never' category.

For me currently, the beauty of sex, or relationships of any kind, is in the fact that we have the opportunity to constantly evolve, and revolve.

What I wanted 10 years ago, is not what I wanted 5 years ago.
What I wanted 5 years ago, is not what I wanted 1 year ago.
What I wanted 5 WEEKS AGO, is not where I am today.

The only absolute for me, is to keep my mind from being rigid. I may not want something in my life currently,( as sex is therapy ), and if it isn`t making me feel good, now is not the right time for it.

That doesn`t mean those things are bad, that I am superior for not wanting it, or that others are lesser for wanting things differently.

I use to say, I am not interested in casual sex at all, it bores me. For the most part, that is true. Now though, for different reasons. It would not bore me necessarily.
I could think of a few people I`d love to play flying-squirrel with.

However, for me, with my current responsibilities in life, they far out-weigh the benefits (or even risks associated) with a casual sex encounter. It is foolish to think though, it will always be this way. I would be limiting the potential on my life experiences then.

Also,..casual sex isn`t always a a quick time, with no end. I know people who married what was suppose to be their one-night-stands. I know many more who ended up in friendships.

I now have a really great friendship, with someone who was suppose to be a one-time thing, 12 years ago. One night ended up being 4 months,... then we parted ways.
I ended up being his 'whatever happened to her' girl. Back in touch again, We got each others back`s, and have a true friendship. Nothing 'more' will ever evolve.
We are now the friends we were probably always meant to be.
What did we learn from a supposed one-night stand ?

- According to him, he learned more from me, then any other woman, minus his wife. He changed how he handled relationships after me.
He treated the women in his life much better.

- I am learning, how I affected someone. Humbled by it, and realizing friendship can come from anywhere.

Life circles in strange ways. Sex can be 'sacred,' and offer wonderful emotional connections. Those connections can come in mysterious ways, and forms.
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  #24  
Old 09-17-2011, 08:11 PM
Lucinda Lucinda is offline
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Different types of people have sex differently. My approach with each person is "How can we increase mutual pleasure within this pairing." The dynamic between any two people in any given situation is different.

When I identified as bisexual, having more than one sexual partner was important to me, because of my desire to experience sexuality accross genders. Right now, I just want to have fun with whoever shows up.
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  #25  
Old 09-19-2011, 02:52 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I guess I am looking for differences in the over all quality of it. Not things like 69 verses missionary. ?
Oh darn! I was all set to discuss the merits and drawbacks of different positions.
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  #26  
Old 09-19-2011, 05:39 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I guess I could answer my own questions...

So, the differences to me seem to be that there are those that think sex with others is a way communicate and have fun. There is a level of excitement to it that comes from getting naked and seeing what their talents are and how they do things. It seems to me that it is playful, sexy and can be shared with everyone as a way to get to know each other and have a good time.

Another way is that it is immediately a soul connection that brings a person to another level of depth and commitment to them in the form of giving themselves entirely. This happens regardless of the situation and regardless of whether they want to or not... It is a spiritual bonding that is the biggest display of love and respect for another and their respect and love back.
RP, I don't want to pick on you while you are already (you say) feeling marginalized and struggling with issues related to this.

BUT the dichotomy (above) is completely wrong.

Yes, of course sex can either be playful and fun, or serious and emotionally deep. And it can be various things in between, or a combination.

Which you do admit, but here's where your assumptions are wrong:

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I guess I could answer my own questions...

it is playful, sexy and can be shared with everyone

Especially when one person is more of the deep, loving bonding type and their partner the weeee... lets fuck anyone type.
So one type is emotionally deep...and the other type is "let's fuck anyone"??? One type is spiritual, and the other type can be shared with "everyone"??? One type is special, and the other type is just "playing around"?

No no no.

I am definitely a "whee...let's fuck" person. I am NOT a "whee...let's fuck anyone" person.

Why do people assume that if someone prefers the less-emotionally-deep kind of sex (the fun kind of sex, that is!), they must want to fuck anyone and everyone?

And isn't there also an implication that if they fuck anyone, they must not be a particularly caring or loving person?

For some reason, I don't particularly like sex for emotional bonding. I've spent years arriving at this conclusion. I'm still struggling to understand why exactly I feel this way. "Intimacy issues" is the obvious answer, but I don't think that's it.

I guess I feel that sex is false way of bonding. Good sex can make you feel like you have a deep emotional bond, when in fact you simply have good sex.

In my case, it happens that I have had a strong sexual connection with some partners, and a strong emotional connection with others, but never both at the same time. And while it would be NICE to have both at the same time, it also seems to me that it will be a very rare thing for me.

Sure, I've never had whatever profound/spiritual/bonding sex RP is talking about. But, frankly, I don't want to. It doesn't sound appealing at all. I would not be remotely comfortable with a partner who wanted that kind of thing.

I certainly feel that other aspects of my life include profound emotions, spirituality, and bonding with people I am close to.

But sex...darn it, I just like fucking! I like to fuck people I care about, respect, and regard as friends. Lovers, not necessarily loves.

However, I am VERY selective about choosing lovers. Partly because sexual attraction is pretty rare for me. Mostly because I don't want to hurt anyone or end up with someone whose views are totally different from mine.

This quote touched a bunch of nerves for me because of my own experiences:

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I guess I could answer my own questions...

I have noticed that sometimes people get together with people that don't have the same values and nature as they do sexually and struggle from day one with that. This is why I thought it might be a good discussion. Especially when one person is more of the deep, loving bonding type and their partner the weeee... lets fuck anyone type. It seems to me that the one with the emotional connection to sex suffers every time in this. Whereas the one who wants to play around with everyone somehow has to come out on top, because they are the ones that are suppose to be suffering more. Why is it that the one with the emotions around sex seems to have to suck it up and take it more often than not? Is it me, or does that seem to be the case?
.
I guess the biggest problem I have with this statement is that people usually don't KNOW what their values and nature are, in regards to sex and relationships, until they have experienced a lot and experimented a bit. So people might end up with people who aren't suited to them, but only the course of the relationship will teach them that.

The other issue is that I have had completely different experiences from what you describe above. (My experiences have also been very limited, abnormal, and dysfunctional, though, so perhaps they are not helpful examples).

My first (and only) poly boyfriend (Techie--yes, him again!) insisted that he was deeply emotional about sex, and that sex was all about closeness and bonding. He insisted that he wanted to have a deep, profound connection to EVERYONE (including random girls on the bus, etc) because deep love was supposed to be shared with the world.

He was also (I realized later) very uncomfortable with sex (and probably traumatized by a dysfunctional childhood which he refused to discuss with me). He did not like looking at any part of my body except deeply into my eyes. He refused to try sexual positions that did not involve us staring into each other's eyes (and believe me, I felt like a pervert for longing to be fucked from behind!) He seemed to get sad and mopey after coming. He refused to go with me to some sort of therapist.

Obviously, that's not an example of someone who believes in ACTUAL deep emotional bonding through sex. But it HAS taught to be wary of people who espouse such beliefs.

When I was with someone who viewed sex as playful, fun, relaxing, and casual...I found fulfillment and liberation.

This playful-sex guy was WAY more promiscuous than me, but he was also kind, open-minded, confident, well-adjusted, honest, and happy. He helped me become in tune with my sexuality and to value myself more and to articulate my needs better. He taught me that sex could be dirty and delightful. He also had almost nothing in common with me aside from a sexual connection. Yet, he turned out to be a pretty good friend.

And finally--this is what really touched a nerve when I read your post, RP. With my most recent ex (Editor), I guess I was the one who wanted to play around, and he was the one who needed emotional bonding. I didn't know that about him, though, because he only told me LONG afterwards, when he was with someone else and wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

I don't think he actually knew that about himself when he was with me--after all, we had based our relationship on experimentation and dealing with his impotence. But he sure felt fine blaming his sexual problems on me being too uncaring and sex-driven.

I would have an easier time getting over that if his friends (formerly, my friends too) didn't share his opinion. (Not that they knew about his sexual problems, but they think I wasn't a very good girlfriend to him, and told me so.)

Anyway, I guess my relationship with Editor doesn't really count as the situation you describe--where one person wants to sleep around and the other wants more emotional sex. I really thought we both wanted to "date around" to learn more about ourselves (we were both very inexperienced and struggling to overcoming past negative experiences), and that we were going to stay best friends whether or not we decided to still date each other.

Well, never mind. Different story.

But my point is, negative assumptions about the person who wants to play around aren't helpful.
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  #27  
Old 09-19-2011, 06:34 AM
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First of all, this is an old thread... I don't necessarily think the same things now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I guess I feel that sex is false way of bonding. Good sex can make you feel like you have a deep emotional bond, when in fact you simply have good sex.
nope, not for me. This is your personal experience that you get to own it. Please realize that this is not the case for everyone and might be worth finding out about the next person you sleep with that is new to your bed. I have been very damaged over this assumption. Sex is bonding to me, end of story. Good sex or crappy sex, I see it no other way at this time. Perhaps that will change... I dunno. My sex life is assume as a result, so I doubt it will any time soon

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Sure, I've never had whatever profound/spiritual/bonding sex RP is talking about. But, frankly, I don't want to. It doesn't sound appealing at all. I would not be remotely comfortable with a partner who wanted that kind of thing.
Well then. We won't be getting it on any time soon then will we

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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I certainly feel that other aspects of my life include profound emotions, spirituality, and bonding with people I am close to.
Most definitely. I totally agree. I find the same things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
However, I am VERY selective about choosing lovers. Partly because sexual attraction is pretty rare for me. Mostly because I don't want to hurt anyone or end up with someone whose views are totally different from mine.
I'm glad to hear this... If only more people would be as empathetic to those they fuck and find out what their connection is to sex and connection.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
When I was with someone who viewed sex as playful, fun, relaxing, and casual...I found fulfillment and liberation.
But my point is, negative assumptions about the person who wants to play around aren't helpful.
Absolutely not helpful, but sometimes negativity is the scum on the top of a larger pot of boiling fluid.... it needs skimming off and throwing out and I have done that I think...I am fulfilled and liberated as a result of knowing that I don't have to give to others who like to have sex as play only. I personally know myself better having discussed at length on this forum about the naive assumption I had that everyone was like me. I realize that I am not like everyone, and that is just dandy.... takes all kinds to make a world.


@MeeraReed- Thanks for sharing your story and your differences. I'm sorry if what I said offended you in some way. The fact is that we are just different and that is that. I hope you work out some of the stuff you feel you need to. Its a tough road to discovery, but worth it... at least I have found. I am the closest I've been to having a perfect sex life having figured myself and others out.... I hope you get their too and enjoy whatever that brings
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  #28  
Old 09-19-2011, 07:05 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Actually, I think I get on better with the mono community right now than the poly one as I don't have to concern myself with them looking at me as a catch, or disappointment in my point of view about sex in my life.
I'm scratching my head over this. Um...wtf? Disappointment in your pov about sex in your life? Why would anybody be disappointed with that, poly or mono? I've not encountered any of that sort of thing among the polyfolk I know here, so I wonder what it is that has you fretting about that where you are.

Is it common among the polyfolk in your area to expect some specific approach to sex? That strikes me as odd.
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  #29  
Old 09-19-2011, 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
I'm scratching my head over this. Um...wtf? Disappointment in your pov about sex in your life? Why would anybody be disappointed with that, poly or mono? I've not encountered any of that sort of thing among the polyfolk I know here, so I wonder what it is that has you fretting about that where you are.

Is it common among the polyfolk in your area to expect some specific approach to sex? That strikes me as odd.
again, old thread.

Problem solved though because I don't hang out with people who have sex with people they are friends with who brag about it. The bragging part was what I struggled with. I used to get a stunned look of WTF from people who were likely not understanding me, wondering why I wasn't willing to partcipate, who told me details that made me feel ill and were probably wondering why I was having a identity crisis.

Its working for me now. New friends, new identity and I feel comfortable enough to talk about it all without imploding in my head
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  #30  
Old 09-19-2011, 10:12 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Not all sex has to be deeply emotional all the time. Sometimes it is and sometimes it's just fun (even with the same person(s)). I enjoy both types. Sometimes I want that real sense on connection and other times I just like to be silly (and I'm sure anyone who knows me at all isn't surprised about that).

I find that I have a need to trust and feel a connection with someone before being sexual with them. It's something I don't enter into lightly. It feels threatening to me when someone who I don't trust is looking at me (or makes comments to me) in a sexual manner. It's probably something I could work through but why? I'm ok with being the way I am.
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