Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-17-2011, 11:19 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,591

Originally Posted by Mya View Post
I'm not the target audience for this question since I'm bi myself. But I have to say that I find bisexuality/biamory in a man very attractive... I can see the relation between being bi and being more feminine (soft, kind, emotional...) in a way. My husband is a bit bi-curious and he is like that, which I adore. Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone and you can find the same features in a hetero man and also not find them in a bi man. But because I see the relation between these two things, I'm intrigued if a man tells me he's bi. It's definitely a plus.
I think we might be blurring the line between sexual preference and sexual identity. It's not so much to whom you are attracted than it is to how you identify. Any guy who is more on the trans/queer scale as ID is less likely to ID as a "manly man," John Wayne solider type, and be more on the feminine scale, impelled by their makeup to be more in touch with their feelings, more likely to be into traditionally feminine pursuits (like being discriminating about food and fine wines, clothes shopping, crafting such as sewing, nurturing babies, etc) and less into just cheap beer drinking and sports and cars. There are plenty of "metrosexual" men who are not bi or gay.

I kinda dislike the LGBTQ tag because it covers sexual preference and sexual identity. Trans is sexual identity. Queer can mean preference or identity. LGB is sexual preference.

miss pixi's bf IDs as bi, but right now he's kind of being a douche about her feelings. She'll pour out her heart about her inner feelings, and he'll just go, and I quote, "Yeah people are assholes. Wanna watch TV?"
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 09-17-2011 at 11:21 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-17-2011, 01:33 PM
JuliaGay's Avatar
JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Tacoma/Tucson (long story)
Posts: 75

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I survived a horrible childhood, which I won't discuss here, but suffice it to say that I have had to overcome my own seemingly insurmountable odds. You think that just because I'm straight, I "don't know, from the inside, what it is like to have feared honest self-disclosure at a tender young age about a matter that could prove emotionally or physically deadly," but that is not true. No, my issues did not pertain to my sexuality, but I had secrets to keep about myself/my family that were very damaging to do so. However, this is not about who has the "best worst story."

More to the point... I just do not see the correlation that makes one who has been the victim of discrimination more open-minded or more in touch with emotions than anyone else. In fact, people who've been victimized can be even more shut down emotionally. What I was taking exception to is the almost-blanket statement that LGBT people are just more open-minded and emotionally evolved than heteros. Perhaps they are when it comes to matters of sex, sexuality, sexual identity, gender, but not necessarily love and relationships, nor anything else. You seem to be asserting that, since LGBT people have had to struggle with the issues surrounding their sexual identity and coming out that it makes them more sympathetic and sensitive overall, and therefore more in tune with their feelings and emotional development. This is similar to when someone says that poly people are more evolved than mono people.

I am not saying that LGBT folks have not suffered at the hands and attitudes of others. I am not saying they haven't been treated unfairly. I am not challenging the idea that LGBT people have had to overcome many obstacles and deep hurts to accept and overcome any issue surrounding sex, sexuality, sexual orientation, identity, etc, including the risk of danger for doing so. I am simply saying that hetero people can be just as emotionally developed, evolved, sensitive, and in touch with their inner lives than anyone else, and can have struggled with similarly devastating or radically life-impacting issues. Different paths to self-knowledge and emotional development, but pain is pain, confusion is confusion, and loss is loss. People can be marginalized for any reason. It is part of the human condition to question who we are and what we're about, so gender and orientation doesn't make one more adept at doing so in general, though one's experiences may make one more adept at such inner exploration in a particular area of life and/or personal identity.
Well, I had a big response all ready to go when Firefox decided to crash. Hopefully that doesn't happen this time....

I, too, had a horrible childhood. But those circumstances were not related to my sexual orientation. The journey I took to heal those wounds was vastly different from the one I took to accept and be proud of my queerness.

Because itís the dominant paradigm, it doesnít take any introspection to have acceptance of your orientation and live your life as a healthy, out and proud heterosexual. It just is the expected way to be. It does take a huge amount of internal work to be a healthy, out and proud homosexual or bisexual. I donít know anyone who has attempted or committed suicide because they were straight. I do know of a large number of people who did because they were queer. Itís my observation, over nearly 30 years, that queer folks in general are open minded about many things because of the work they did coming to terms with their sexual orientation. This is also true for poly folks in general, because of the work required to live a different kind of life than is socially ordained. Is it possible to be straight and open minded? Absolutely. I just find the percentage of straight folks who are open minded to be smaller than the percentage of queer folks.

I can tell you that living life as an assumed heterosexual is very different from living life as an assumed homosexual. (Iím using the word assumed because on the surface thatís what people see, unless they are close enough to me that I bother to explain being bisexual/biamorous.) My first primary partners were women, so the first 20 years of my adult life I publicly identified as lesbian. For the last 9 Iíve been with a man. The amount of heterosexual privilege in our society is astounding. Among other things, I donít have to worry about being beaten up or worse because Iím holding my partnerís hand or giving him a kiss. Now those things get benevolent smiles if they get any reaction at all. I have no societal struggle associated with being in a heterosexual relationship whereas being in a homosexual one was always a societal struggle.

Because of my struggles and internal work, Iím hyper-aware that I canít know what itís like to live in our society as part of other groups. And I believe that work has made me more open minded and more tolerant than I would have been had I been born straight.

"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
Reply With Quote
Old 09-18-2011, 02:00 AM
Hardison Hardison is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 26

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
But back to the question...I am hetero but not poly. So hypothetically if I was single, I would be less likely to date a bisexual woman. Naturally, I would seek out a mono partner so this wouldn't be an issue though. If she was wired mono, she wouldn't be interested in others and I'm not into the two women one guy thing anyways.
Why do you seem to assume that if someone is Bi they can't also be mono?
I think it is quite possible to have an interest in both male and female (or even trans and gender-queer too) and still only want one partner.
Male, married, new here, not quite poly. (but poly curious)
Reply With Quote
Old 09-18-2011, 02:19 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,208

Originally Posted by Hardison View Post
Why do you seem to assume that if someone is Bi they can't also be mono?
I think it is quite possible to have an interest in both male and female (or even trans and gender-queer too) and still only want one partner.
Someone I know once said that if he were interested in being monogamous with someone, he couldn't do that with a bi woman because she would always want "one of each" (as he put it) and therefore would always be looking for more partners. And I told him that for a monogamous person who takes commitments and "vows" seriously, it's the love and commitment that would override any kind of attraction to other people, whether they were straight or bi or what-have-you. When you're mono and you've found The One, it's The One! That's it, and you don't want to keep looking! I think you can still have a bisexual orientation and only want to be with one person -- I guess it just means that you wouldn't have a preference over what sex/gender The One would be. I don't think being bi automatically makes someone poly and in need of multiple relationships, just as being/living poly doesn't automatically require being bi.
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 03:34 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-18-2011, 11:33 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894

I have spent basically all of my adult life in committed, long term relationships--mainly two of them. The first lasted about six years. The second is still going at 15+ years. The first was entirely mono. The second has been mostly mono in effect/experience while being mostly poly in theory and design. Thing is, neither myself or my partner (Kevin) has
found or been found by anyone suitable for long term love, until recently. And I don't really do casual sex. And he mostly doesn't either, especially lately. So, in effect, I've been mono in effect, or something like that, most of my life. Until recently. Only difference being, until recently, that Kevin & I are cool about the other finding--or being found by--another love, or two.

While I've had snuggles and cuddles and lots of hugs and a few kisses with others (apart from Kevin) over the last several years, that's as far as it has gone. I guess I'm just pretty damned selective. And whenever I haven't been highly selective things have gone pretty bad, fast.

I'm not looking to complete a set of two, "one of each". By chance, my Faraway Sweetie
is female. That's pretty neat! But not planned.
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
Old 09-19-2011, 03:53 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 351

Just to add a new angle:

The stereotype I had (in my own head) of a bisexual man is totally the opposite of what's being discussed here.

I imagined (without putting a lot of thought into it) that the "typical" bisexual man would be hyper-masculine, hyper-sexual, dominant, interested in sex over emotions, and not particularly self-reflective or introspective.

I suppose I was thinking of some historical research I've done on sexuality in Roman times (which is slightly different than the Greek views of sex). A properly masculine, upper-class Roman man was expected to have a high sex drive and to desire both women and men. (Actually, not so much men as boys, and more specifically, slave boys).

Obviously, that's not at all relevant today, but for some reason I did have a notion in the biased recesses of my mind that a bi man would be promiscuous and dominant.

And I do think that both bi men and bi women suffer from a stereotype that because they are bi, they must be more sexual and more promiscuous than the average straight person. They're bi, so that means they must just be not very particular! Or else they must want "one of each"!

On the other hand, to arrive at the conclusion that you are bi (and to identify as bi rather than as gay, straight, or simply bi-curious), you probably have had to become more in tune with your sexuality, and perhaps more open to experimentation, than the average straight person.

(I'm a straight person, but not average!)
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
Reply With Quote

biamorous, biamory, bisexuality, heterosexuality, steriotypes

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 01:34 AM.