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Old 10-27-2009, 08:54 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Fidelia-

I agree with you 100%.
It was only out of a desire to be sure that people know that we ALL CAN change if we choose.

I suppose had I really been thinking in full about my reply (which I was not, I was contemplating how to word my new thread ) I would have included this:

Steps to moving past an Affair-(for the one who cheated):

1. Full acknowledgement (this means no "but they..") of responsibility for your actions and choices.

2. Willingness and determination to put forth a full accounting of your needs (to yourself and everyone else) in life and full accounting of what you can give another in a relationship. (because you may be truly incompatible and this needs addressed ASAP)

3. Willingness and determination to re-EARN trust (not to be mistaken for regain, because trust must be earned with actions).

4. Willingness and determination to correct within yourself (through introspection, therapy, medication etc) that which allowed you to believe there was purpose or benefit in a life and relationship created on lies.

5. Willingness and determination to NOT rebuild your old life (becuase it's all a lie now) but to create a NEW self that is worthy of a true and happy life.

6. At some point after holding yourself accountable you also must forgive yourself for your transgressions and move on as the new and improved you.


I'm sure there are others-but those are off the top of my head!

And in case you (general) are a cheater and fear that this list is too daunting a task-I can tell you from experience. I've tried the "just shove it under the carpet" method and then I tried this-this has been MUCH more rewarding, healing and much less painful! Well worth the effort to work on oneself.

OP- If your wife isn't willing to do this-it's a lost cause at this point. Not to say it always will be. I know I was a lost cause for a long time. But for now it is. And poly is not a solution to lying. Honesty is.
For me being poly in an unaccepting world was part of the problem that led to me feeling I should live a lie-I was living a lie in hiding who I was already-so it just seemed to go along the same lines.
But honesty has to be a way of life in order for relationships to flourish.
Good luck!
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