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  #21  
Old 09-15-2011, 07:00 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I just read this whole thing and my thought all the way through was to ask to meet her and to pace your selves more slowly... veto is not for being selfish if you ask me... its for extreme situations and acts as an ultimatum "its my way or we are done." This woman sounded like she was fearful of the connection you have, the pace this was all going and that she needed to meet who her husband was connecting with. All not veto worthy if you ask me...

If I was ever in a relationship dynamic where veto was used in this way I would be so gone... that does hark of disposability and lack of willingness to communicate and I just won't involve myself with that.

I don't ever want to feel as if I am less than someone else... if I do then I adjust what the person means to me to fit the situation... I have a boyfriend that puts what his wife thinks ahead of me all the time and I have adjusted (with great pain and heartache I might add) to fit that... I simply don't allow myself to fall deeper into our connection as I believe that it will be uneven if I do. We have reached the level we have reached, it is an even level and until he decided that he wants more depth, this is what we have.

I am pleased for you that you have had a chance to talk, get back on track and have some plans to talk to her about veto... sounds like a good idea and sounds hopeful. Good luck!

Just a note; if you post a thread here, it should be expected that the conversation on it will ramble in accordance with the nature of conversation. Not everyone is here to talk about you and your needs only. Some are here to discuss theory and philosophize or tell their own story and take on an issue. All you can really expect is that you will need to make attempts to bring the thread back on course so you can get more feed back. Sometimes there is some really helpful feed back when the thread rambles. Please be patient and respect that just because you start a thread does not mean that you own it out right. If you would like that option then you would be best to post in lifestyles and blogs as the threads there are meant to be answered to the OP's specific question, if they have one. thanks
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-15-2011 at 07:02 AM.
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  #22  
Old 09-15-2011, 03:14 PM
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JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
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Thank you, Redpepper. It's very helpful to know that one's read of a situation is the same thing other experienced people see.

I understand your choice not to fall any further from an intellectual standpoint, but not from an emotional one. I have never been able to control with whom or how deeply I fall. There have been some partners I liked a lot and wanted to fall for, but simply didn't for some reason. Others are deep and, for me, are that way from the beginning. Thank you for helping me see another perspective.

I am perplexed by your last paragraph, though. I am a member of several other forums on widely varying topics, one of which I co-moderate. I have not been part of another group where the etiquette apparently requires that conversations be allowed to go in whatever direction they want...especially when the OP was asking for assistance. And I don't see this happening on other threads here when help is requested. People make a genuine attempt to help the person, so I don't understand why this thread is any different. While I don't think that I own a thread, I do have some expectation that the responses will be on topic. I thought I was doing what you suggest...attempting to "bring the thread back on course so you can get more feed back." If choosing not to engage in a debate over a controversial topic and asking for responses to my original question are not acceptable...well, I guess I won't ask for help again.
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  #23  
Old 09-15-2011, 04:15 PM
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I see that this thread has been moved to New to Polyamory and I'm wondering why. Redpepper suggested it might be better in the Life Stories and Blogs section, so I'm surprised to see it here, especially since I'm not new to poly (been actively practicing it for 16 years).

I'm trying to understand the structure here and struggling, so help on that subject is appreciated!

Thanks,
JG
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  #24  
Old 09-15-2011, 09:08 PM
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I don't think you did anything untoward by asking to stay on-topic, although there really is no way to control it. Here, threads can veer off-course, but if they diverge greatly, they are sometimes split into more than one (I've been a member of forums where, if you go off topic, it's an infraction!). As I understand it, threads don't get moved to the Blogs section unless the OP requests it. I don't know why this wound up in the New to Poly section -- probably a mistake.
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solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #25  
Old 09-15-2011, 09:46 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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It seems like at times things get moved to "new to polyamory" because the topic seems to have something to do with a new poly type "skill". I know that I had a thread that went to this section having to do with dealing with NRE, even though I've been non-monogamous for 15ish years...

On the original topic... perhaps it might be helpful to discuss with your metamour what her original issue was that prompted the veto. If you express concern both that you don't want to be vulnerable to having your relationship ripped away from you AND you are concerned that there were things going on that were hurtful to her that you were unaware of and would like to avoid that in the future-- that might give her some feeling that you are willing to work WITH her on making sure everybody's needs get met.

I'll qualify that recently I was in the position where I SO wanted to tell my hubs to give up the GF, but knew I couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't. But at the time he was so wrapped up in NRE and neglecting our relationship completely, not listening to me, not hearing me, running over boundaries left and right and basically just doing whatever he wanted that I was about two steps away from leaving him. And all of my communication about what was going on was completely ignored, so it wasn't like I wasn't communicating the fact, he just wasn't *hearing* me at all.

I know that some of this (perhaps most of it) his GF had no idea about. Because he was texting/calling her all of the time she assumed he was doing the same for me. Nope. I basically lost almost every bit of contact with him because he was so enthralled with her and was entirely incapable of carrying on two relationships at the same time.

It would have been easy for me to blame her, or the fact that he was WITH her for the pain I was feeling-- because it WAS caused by that relationship happening. But it was caused by HIS behavior within that relationship, not because of anything she did.

Anyway, just wanted to give another side to the story of why someone may panic and pull the plug. For me, if I knew that my husband's other partner was being well aware of the NRE and making sure it wasn't getting out of hand and they weren't rolling all over me would have been really beneficial.
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  #26  
Old 09-16-2011, 03:19 AM
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Thanks, Minxxa. That's a great suggestion. I'll figure out to incorporate that into what I want to talk with her about, when I get the chance.

JG
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