Insecure? Be Aware.
I have a lot on my mind today-because of a serious (not enjoyable) conversation with Maca last night.
Maca has a lot of insecurity issues-they all boil down to one (details for him to share not I). But they manifest in all different areas of his life.
Unfortunately-most commonly they manifest in a mistreatment (by proxy not in the form of abuse) and unrealistic expectations, requests and requirements for me.
We've gone over, under, around and through so much of it over the last 11 years that I could never write a post and express it-maybe a good long 1000 page book, but not a post.
The things that keep coming back for me-in clearer and clearer detail are starting to be clear enough to put into words (good and bad thing I guess).
When he's in an insecure moment-he presumes it's all about HIM and his feelings. But the truth is every word he utters is being expressed to someone else (usually me) and are often painful to hear not only for him-but for the other person (people) as well.
(disclaimer: yes there are times when those feelings we get are telling us that there IS a legitimate problem. But in this case I'm talking about feelings that are not based in truth)
When he starts telling me of his insecurities and asking me to help him work through them (whether he is functionally trying to work through them or asking me to avoid situations that bring them to the surface) the result is that he is accusing me of hurtful behavior.
EVEN if I didn't do anything wrong. Particularly if he gets defensive and starts defending his insecurity.
I likened this in our conversation to HE has a demon inside that HE does not like, that is making HIM miserable. He has asked me to help him do battle against said demon. I point out the weaknesses in said demon and he defends it. When he does that he is in effect asking me to fight against HIM first, so I can then (having won against him in theory) fight HIS demon, so that he can be secure againjafter I've already slaughtered him. (So peace and security in death?)
But that is like sending two men to war as comrades and expecting one to kill the other prior to taking on the enemy. It will only result in the one who "wins" being less likely to defeat the enemy then if they had both fought the enemy together.
Eventually that (even unspoken) assault begins to erode MY sense of purpose and causes a further breakdown between us. For I can no longer trust my "comrade in arms" for he is now an additional enemy.
Recently he was very upset by a friend who called him upset, hurt, emotional, in need of a friend and an escape from an abusive thought pattern and lifestyle. He was frustrated, angry and defensive with her. By continuing to bring this issue of hers to him-but also refusing to actually deal with it and do something to fix it, she was in essence telling him (with her actions) that his advice was wrong (no matter how sound it was) and that she didn't care for his help (even as she continued to ask for it). Her actions were saying that she wanted him to be HER punching bag because someone was emotionally punching her and in her actions she was passing it all on to him and letting him feel the full thrust of those punches-over and over.......
Ironically I found this upsetting enough to tell her what my dad said (hopefully in kinder words) "shit or get off the damn pot".
But less than 48 hours later I found myself watching him do the SAME thing to me that he was complaining of her doing to him! I was pissed and I did NOT say things in the best possible way. I did tell him he was acting just like her and it was disheartening at best and completely infuriating at worst.
But as I thought on it Ceoli's thread about the thirdness of being third came to my mind.
Now I'm not a third-and that part has no bearing on this situation-but what she was talking about, well it's true for ANYONE you love.
People deserve respect, and care of their feelings and needs.
No one person deserves to have ALL of the attention, ALL of the love.
No one person deserves to have their issues override all of the needs of another.
We often think of the insecure person as the one who needs the support and their needs need to be prioritized. We show this when we say that a relaionship can only move/change at the speed of the slowest partner. Or when we say we need to allow the insecure person time to process their feelings, issues and find solutions.
While those things ARE true:
They are only PART of what should be said.
Yes to those people struggling right now with insecurities,
YOU DO have a right to your feelings.
You DO have a right to be given time to process and work through them.
You DO have a right to be able to freely recieve acceptance and love in spite of your current weakness.
You also have a RESPONSIBILITY to remember and respect that sometimes your feelings unfoundedly suggest wrong-doing on someone else's part and THEY deserve your acknowledgement of how this hurts and discourages them.
You have a responsibility to take care that your insecurities are expressed as YOUR issues, not theirs.
You have a responsibility to ensure that you do actively work on resolving those issues-because it's unfair to expect another person (any person) to deal with your issues for undetermined ongoing time with no resulting reprieve.
You have a responsibility to ensure that while you deal with them, your insecurities are not allowed to create an unsafe (emotionally or physically) environment for others.
You have a responsibility to ensure that while you deal with them, your insecurities are not used to put unreasonable limitations or expectations upon others.
Too often we allow our insecurities or those of the people we care about to control and manipulate our lives. This is severely disfunctional and while it may seem for a time to be a loving way to show we care for that person and their issues, it in truth is harmful not only to the people around the insecure person-but it is harmful and damaging to the person who is being allowed to inappropriately cater to those insecurities within themself as well.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Last edited by LovingRadiance; 10-27-2009 at 08:43 PM. Reason: to create paragraphs