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  #41  
Old 09-15-2011, 08:06 AM
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Default Missing and longing and working and anticipating

A lot going on, but I am bound nevertheless most of the time. Bound to think about Lin and Sward, myself, my family, our friends or the future. Have been in “worry-mode” again some days ago because of a comment a mutual friend of Sward and me made about our 'three person flat-sharing community'. She seems to know some friends who did live in a vee for some years and there seems to have happened a lot of drama. Depression, kids, jealousy and the like. But she didn't really relate to us with the poly-aspect, I don't think that she will think of us in that regard for some time still. But I am worried what will come out of a negative reaction from our friends. They are really important for Sward and I don't want to stir up agitation and concern in their relationship. Most of them will say, 'you have to know what you want to do' or something along those lines but it will cause a ruckus for him and them first. But we will see, crossing the bridge before coming to it again.

Lin's medical condition seems to stay stable, which is good news. It would have caused some trouble if he wouldn't have been able to complete his therapy this month (finally after all the years, I am so happy that he turned this corner and everything seems to get 'normal' at last). But he is unable to sleep soundly at the moment which is a new problem they are looking into now. He says it is because he misses me and wants to be here ultimately, but I am a bit concerned that he is unable to sleep through most of the nights but then suddenly sleeps for 18 hours straight. Can't be healthy as well.

My nights are far from being sweet, but not to that extent. It still feels weird to lay next to a person you love but long for another at the same time. And Sward is so compassionate, it sometimes moves me to tears. We talked about the times when he and I were apart (it has never been more than a week normally, two times two weeks when I was on a field excursion) and he understands how Lin and I feel when we are only able to talk to each other. Got some trouble with our internet connection during last week therefore we were only able to call each other by phone. He and Lin talked about this particular problem today morning before Sward had to go to work. I love how he tries to comfort Lin in this situation. They are helping each other and my heart doesn't stop beating faster when I think of them. So so sooo happy at the moment.

My mother teased me a bit some days ago when I was cooking dinner for Sward. I don't cook normally, that has been Swards domain through most of the years of our relationship. Our dynamic is that of a traditional couple from the fifties, but gender-reverse in regard to the roles. And even if I use this cliche with a wink, I mean it more in the negative sense. I can be macho from time to time and I need to work on this. Be that as it may, my mother made a comment about 'I never thought I would live to see the day when you start to cook, did there really have to come another man before you started thinking about it?' It isn't that dramatic but I felt a new dynamic when Lin was here and I really behaved differently during that time. But maybe I just changed over the years and some aspects come to life naturally now because of Lin's initiation or simple presence even. Some things will definitely change when we live together with all three of us here. And I don't think that Sward will think of all of them as troublesome

I could go on and on but there is just so much that keeps me occupied at the moment. I know that it is quite some risk that we take in moving in a newly established relationship so soon. But somehow our situation feels a bit different from a 'normal' relationship that any of us had in the past. We know each other for six years now. Lin and I dealt with our feelings for four (Lin) and three (I) years and have been together nearly 24/7 during this time. I don't really know since when Sward suspected a deeper connection between us but the first time he asked was in 2008. Every time Sward came home from work or I from university, Lin was there as soon as we switched the PC on. (Which is practically instantly as soon as someone arrives home.)

What can I say, I am a pessimist at times, but I think we can pull this off
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  #42  
Old 09-15-2011, 04:50 PM
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Have been in “worry-mode” again some days ago because of a comment a mutual friend of Sward and me made about our 'three person flat-sharing community'. She seems to know some friends who did live in a vee for some years and there seems to have happened a lot of drama. Depression, kids, jealousy and the like. But she didn't really relate to us with the poly-aspect, I don't think that she will think of us in that regard for some time still. But I am worried what will come out of a negative reaction from our friends. They are really important for Sward and I don't want to stir up agitation and concern in their relationship. Most of them will say, 'you have to know what you want to do' or something along those lines but it will cause a ruckus for him and them first. But we will see, crossing the bridge before coming to it again.
It's been my experience, that while a friend may initially react negatively on something, their attitude does tend to change based on our handling of the situation. Sward might, thank her for her concern, assure her that he is comfortable with your situation, but then ask her to speak up if she sees things heading into destructive drama otherwise he would love her support.
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Old 09-15-2011, 07:30 PM
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I hope that this doesn't evolve to a different problem. Lin is hesitant to voluntarily involve outsiders and invite them to meddle in our affairs. He doubts that if the intention is some kind of unsupportive, even without real ill will behind it, it could be fought out on his back. As the 'new' person in our relationship he thinks that he is likely the one who will get some negative feedback and be suspected of manipulating our relationship by the circle of our friends here.

But I doubt that there will be someone so troublesome around them. At least I hope so. Some just need to get themselves involved in the business of others. Especially if it's something they believe to be (morally) wrong. We will see how it goes. I personally don't mind that much, but I know how hard this would be on Sward, so I better not have the situation at all if possible.

And I think you are right, I would react positive if a friend told me like you phrased it in such a situation. A bad reaction is normally out of concern and I hope that our friends are honestly concerned about our happiness
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  #44  
Old 09-20-2011, 06:27 AM
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We are still making preparations for Lin to move in. The craftsmen are coming and going, renovating the room that looked like a dark and tatty hole. Today the brick layer is closing an old cavity in which the radiator has been placed, which was the way the houses were build around here 60 years ago. All well on that front. But …

We are facing some mayor problems personally. The company Sward works for is on the verge of bankruptcy. No one of the coworkers knew how bad it looked some days ago and it was kind of a shock that it's actually this unpromising. Sward did his apprenticeship in this company and has worked there for nearly 15 years now.

Obviously it would be a problem for anyone to lose a job. But I think it will be one for Sward especially because he never finished his apprenticeship with a full fledged certificate. He has dyslexia and was allowed to do a slimmed form of the real final examination but never got a normal certificate of apprenticeship. There has been a time when he tried to apply for jobs in his field (sometimes during 'hard winters' some of the employees are on a short leave from work in the company) but his qualifications never were adequate enough. This was really discouraging for him, because he is kind of filtered out because of his papers and no one asked for his practical knowledge, even though that is what really counts in his field of work. And he really is adept and experienced, he is the one supervising the trainees and the tree nursery.

The other factor with 'crisis potential' is the money. Of all things, we had to overdraw our account THIS month … Sward's boss had to do some negotiations with the bank and they promised to pay and give credit for one year but … they don't pay. At least they didn't up to now. We are still waiting for his wages from last month. My mother helped us out for now but it can't go on like this.

I applied for a tutoring job and was invited directly. We will see how much time this will take away from my studies, because I was getting ready for my finals this semester and didn't want to take a job like I was able to do before. But no choice in this kind of situation. There is a positive side to this nevertheless: Practice I will do the negotiations on Wednesday and hope for the best.

But the point I worry about most: Lin. He is moving in with us, cutting most of his ties with his old life and friends, ready to do a fresh start and now this. I don't want to burden him with such a situation from the start. Not that I can change something about it if it comes into being but still … This could be too much. Lin sees it as a responsibility he accepted when he knew that I am not 'alone'; entering the relationship with an already established partner by my side meant to him taking on and accepting a relationship with this person and caring for this one as well. I got the felling that Lin and Sward see the other as they would look at a child of mine. They got ready to 'adopt' one another when they negotiated our common ground for the start of the relationship.

I kind of get the impression that this is hardly fair. Years of therapy, no money for himself, no real life because of his weakness and delicate condition and now all in, burdened with the financial responsibility for others, again no money for own wishes and the need to start working earlier than planned. I am not sure that he is really able to work a normal shift of any job at the moment, he thinks he can, but well … he is an optimist by heart.

Yes, I know that I am considering the worst case scenario, meaning: Sward being unemployed without a new job within some months. But this could happen and I am just afraid of this aggravating our relationship(s) right from the start and in a way that puts too much strain on everyone. I love the way everyone feels responsible for the others but I see the possibility of a point when this could be 'too much'.
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  #45  
Old 10-04-2011, 06:31 AM
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Default And then there were the three of us …

The first ten days elapsed so quickly, I still can't grasp the 'whole' of the new situation for us. But it feels good and I am starting to adjust to the practical feel of having my loves around. It's still a bit rough-and-ready for Lin, because we need another week to finish his room but that's just one part of the picture for him. So, to go from the start, what happened a week ago on Saturday?

Sward and I got up at half past two in the night and got ourselves ready to drive south to pick Lin up. He had started packing his belongings some days earlier and we stowed his things on our trailer in less than an hour. Lin's family was a bit reserved first but their twelve year old Saint Bernard broke the ice by burying his head between Sward's legs, staying like this for some minutes, getting a backrub that made him moan. Lin's mother and grandmother got quite emotional when we left but we looked forward with anticipation.

I have been quite tense since the time I woke up so I quickly fell asleep on the backseat, listening to them chatting in the front. I was such a good feeling to just listen to their chit-chat and kind of confirm what I already knew: This was going to work. I fell asleep with a smile on my face as they told me later. It was already dark when we came home that evening. We hurried and unpacked Lin's things, went shopping, cooked something and fell asleep. As long as the room isn't finished Lin sleeps on our couch and stayed with him the first night. I have been switching between couch and bed every night but yesterday I drove Sward out of bed to claim it for me alone, because I did something to my shoulder, wherefore I am not able to sleep in a cramped place and needed some space. So, they slept on the couch together

There was so much to do during the first days, we were busy all day long. Even though we didn't had that much time for ourselves and Lin got a bit broody over this, I was happy with the thought: we have as much time as we want now, he will stay, we don't have to rush things anymore. During the first four days this thought got a second side to it as well for me. When Sward and I moved together in 2002 I immediately got cold feet because of the ultimateness of this step. It was the same again now. My stomach was rumbling quite a bit because I had to stomach the fact that Lin was there for good and that my life changes now.

One of the biggest changes isn't related to Lin. Because of the prospect of Sward losing his job we started to adjust our eating habits and save some money. We both never really cooked before. Growing up with fast food and packet soup, flavor and convenience food (living on pizza during the first year when we moved in together) Sward and I spent way too much money on food. Therefore I consulted my mother and learned the basics of how to cook without instant sauce and seasoning. And it works, we used half of the money that Sward and I used to spent for us two during the week Lin was there, while cooking for the three of us. And it tastes great

Speaking of Sward's job, the second half of his paycheck from August still isn't there and I doubt that his boss will be able to pay the one from September. I applied for a tutoring job and will meet my first pupil tomorrow. Lin is pondering on what he is going to do now job wise, because he never really worked or finished an apprenticeship because his heart threw a monkey wrench in his plans every time he started something. He has to start from scratch now and is considering a carpenter job, because he has always been interested in wood and designs. It is kind of discouraging for him to be an apprentice at the age of 29 but there is nothing to do about this.

Many things will change for everyone of us and I am looking forward to it. Our bonds are deepening and the one that makes me smile, every time I notice how great and deep the connection already is, is the bond between Sward and Lin who started to build a friendship that exists besides their relationship with me. Life maybe not look that bright at the moment, but I am unable to feel discouraged by this circumstance.
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  #46  
Old 10-04-2011, 06:22 PM
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Phy,
Your blog is like reading on a cloud, all soft and dreamy....I love the way you write.
One specific thing I can relate to is, my bf has a life-threatening heart condition, too. How wonderful that you can have Lin living with you, all three of you fully loving and embracing this very precious day to be alive!
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  #47  
Old 10-04-2011, 09:12 PM
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Dear Carma,

first of all: you have been on our minds lately and none of us was able to understand why you suffer such a situation like the one you have with your husband at the moment. I would never tolerate a person dear to me, lying to me for what reason ever and that's why I have such a hard time understanding your lenience. Because that's what it seems to be to me when you downplayed Sundance's behavior to 'little white lies' and such … btw they are called adversity lies in German, a lie that you tell because of an emergency and a dire need to do so; I wasn't able to see Sundace's emergency when he told them, but maybe this is due to the one sided story I was able to read here. What ever will come out of this for you, remember not to forget your needs and what you desire for yourself in life.

I would love to tell you more, you have kept me quite occupied mentally during your ordeal, but this may be too much. Just rest assured that We (all three of us) are wishing you the very best to come out of this for everyone involved.

I don't know why this blog seems to be soft and dreamy to you … maybe because I create my worries out of thin air most of the time But I think you are right that everything goes really smoothly up to now. I don't know why, as I mentioned before, I am kind of waiting for some misery to finally knock at our door. Maybe the persons involved are just too even-tempered to stir up some major drama but who knows …

I asked Lin because I couldn't think of a reason why things are as they are and he just guessed that the main factor may be that he and Sward didn't see the other as a rival right from the start. And with a little wink he noted, that this may be due to his height. He was just too small to appear as a thread. But he got no answer to my question why Sward didn't intimidate him the other way round, because (following this logic) he just has to seem massive and tall and 'oh so manly' to Lin on the other hand. I remember a remark of Sward during our early period of discussion when I told him. He said that he didn't want to destroy this chance for Lin and me, that he was kind of happy for us in some ways. “You are in love again. It is so great that you will be able to experience all these wonderful emotions again, I am a bit envious. And I think that you as well as Lin deserve this chance to be true to your feelings. I don't want to destroy it and I want it to happen and work.” This should have been his words, more or less, it was some weeks ago, but I was so moved by his words that I remember them.

But be that as it may … I am not sure that this will last 'forever'. I mean, you said that poly worked ten months for you before things got this ugly. Who knows. Maybe our start is great and we are going to face some difficulties later on. As long as things are great I am going to take your point of view and embrace every precious day that we are alive

And another thing that came to my mind while reading your remark: After it was clear that Lin's condition was about to stabilize finally I demanded from him the same I made Sward promise already: to live longer than me because I would never be able to bury one of them. Well, he promised me to stay alive until he turns 60 for now … we will see how far the medical research and methods are till then ^.^'
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Last edited by Phy; 10-04-2011 at 10:30 PM.
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  #48  
Old 10-05-2011, 09:27 PM
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Phy,
I suppose the "soft and dreamy" impression stems from all the love I am witnessing between you 3. It is really an inspiration. (And from the kind, caring comments you made about my situation, I see the 3 of you aren't stingy, either - you seem to have a lot of love to go around!) Your men are incredible. More men should be like this in the world.

Interesting about the height difference. How often men size each other up! Sundance is of average height, muscular build and Butch is over 6' and lanky. Sun has the body of an Adonis and even Butch admires it! I do believe Sundance got over the initial jealousy stuff, and their friendship deepened, which I loved. It's the new girl coming into the midst, ugh. It really threw things off. (Well, mostly because she didn't exactly "come into the midst" -- Sundance kept her off to the side, instead!)

When I read your journey I see three very healthy, respectful people who know how to truly love. Thank you for sharing. I am wishing for the very best for the three of you! And I hope you do not get too much negativity coming from people around you. Just remember most people have a hard time thinking outside the box. You have support here.
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Old 10-07-2011, 06:35 AM
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Phy,
I suppose the "soft and dreamy" impression stems from all the love I am witnessing between you 3. It is really an inspiration. When I read your journey I see three very healthy, respectful people who know how to truly love. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for these kind words, I am glad to get such positive feedback and that you got something out of my little story

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Your men are incredible.
Oh yes, they are There has been more than one time when I thought the exact same thing. We were somehow lucky that we found each other. This wouldn't have been possible with just some random people. There seem to be too many that are not able to live like we try to do now.

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Interesting about the height difference. How often men size each other up!
I remembered a conversation I had with Sward on our 11th anniversary (which was on Sunday last week ) about my habit of enervate/ belittle/ feminize/ 'cutify' Lin (I can't find the exact word I am looking for but it is a mixture of them all in a positive sense). He warned me to not overdo this because he feared that Lin may be offended by this after the NRE period is over. I kind of can't help myself in that regard, because … well, he IS just cute ^.^ . Compared to Sward and myself he is small and a bit tiny and sensitive and cuddly and … ( I just realized that English is lacking words there, you need to improve this part!) well, whatever you can think of to describe a person dear to you who piques your protective instinct. Of course this isn't the whole picture but most of the time I just want to wrap him up and protect him. But I think Sward is right, this could affect Lin in a negative way and I had to concede to Sward that he got a point there. I promise improvement in that domain And I was really happy that it was Sward who called my attention to this circumstance. Every time something like that happens I start to clap my hands internally and sing “It works, they care, they care ...” Happy, stupid little thoughts but they make my day.

But I don't consider myself 'uber' (how strange that you use Germanisms like we do with the English language btw, sounds so strange to me ) lucky that I seem to be the one that is able to fill the needs and desires of two men simultaneously. Sometimes I feel immense pressure to be honest. Even though they assure me that all they want is me for the time being I kind of don't get it. One of my fears is that there will come a time when they realize that I am not able to be all they want, I mean they are monogamous and they need to live poly to be with me, there just has to be some discrepancy between 'want' and actually 'get' later on. At least as far as my imagination is concerned.

This week is my last week home, my first lecture starts on Tuesday. I am looking forward to be on the campus again regularly, but I am a bit troubled how this will affect Lin and me. I would have loved to have more leisure time with him and I know that he would need some. We didn't get to be alone much, the first week was all about the formalities and the second was filled with a seminar he had to visit to improve his chances to get a job. I know that this is just everyday life knocking at our door but some more time in our little bubble would have felt great. *sigh*

But I hope for the time that we got together (all three in the evening while preparing and eating dinner and some alone time in between when he and I are home and Sward is still at work) to be enough and for my abilities to make it special. There are this 'moments of longing' when I feel a sudden urge to snuggle up with one of them, but mostly it's the two of them at a time I have to admit. Which is kind of complicated because I don't want to lump them together all the time. I need to think of special things we can do to get some quality couple time I think. The two of them got more of this with each other than with me, because they love to drive to the do-it-yourself store to look for new possibilities to beautify and improve our flat. We kind of need to work on that part
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  #50  
Old 10-10-2011, 08:16 AM
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The weekend was so unspectacular, that nearly every minute seemed to put up a banner saying “everyday life”. And it felt great. I didn't expect it to quiet down this fast.

Sward and Lin were working in Lin's room. First, there was some uproar because of the substance of the wall. When the house was build in 1876 it was build with the purpose to be demolished later on, to rise the price for the piece of land it was build upon. They speculated that the railway should be track laid across it. This never happened, it is located some meters to our right now. But because of this circumstance they didn't build it properly and there was used too much sand for the smoothing cement, which now decided to fall off when we started to paint and spackle it again. First it looked like we needed to redo the whole of the wall but now the paint seems to stabilize the substance of the wall. We will see how it goes. This little part is of importance because this would delay Lin's move-in to his own four walls for another two weeks. He has got some backpain from the couch already. But he refuses to take turns and sleep in bed with me because for him this room is now renovated and belongs to Sward and me. He doesn't want to invade his privacy. I know that Sward wouldn't be too resistant to him sleeping there, but I think he was grateful that Lin was so mindful of his situation. Of curse I didn't think of all the consequences at all, oblivious as I tend to be at times.

As I mentioned we started to save our money for harder times (that are more likely to come with every day that passes without Sward getting the second half of his paycheck from August). I started to train my cooking skills by composing the best tasting food with the cheapest material available. And it seems to work And for the first time I got the feeling how sweet it can be when the ones you love go to the kitchen to refill their plates. Again just little things but they made me smile. This should better stay this way, because I know I will need a lot of motivation to keep this cooking business on track, great as it may be, I just don't like it that much basically.

One of the first things that Sward wanted to change was our eating location. I love to eat at small and low tables, like the one we got in the living room. We got a higher table during the first year when we moved to our flat but later I pick up my piano from the house of my parents and the table was gone because we needed the space. But Sward wanted to have a table where we could eat all together. Therefore Lin agreed to take the piano to his room, because he didn't have that much furniture anyway. (Till the room is finished we placed it in Sward's bedroom) They set up our old table five days after Lin's arrival and we had to admit that Swards idea was great. It feels good to sit there and eat breakfast (weekend) and dinner (everyday) together. Saturday we stayed at the table after dinner and played some Uno, ate Nachos with salsa and drank some cold coffee It felt great and comfortable and I think that everyone starts to feel 'at home' with the others already. Of course, this won't happen completely till we finished Lin's room, because he doesn't have any private space at the moment.

Well, after rereading my post I have to admit: much ado about nothing , sorry for that dear reader. But that's what it looks like at the moment at our place and I am really glad that my life seems to be boring and quiet at the moment.
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