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  #21  
Old 09-12-2011, 08:50 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by River View Post
These questions are mainly for the hetero- folks in the forum.

. . . Would you be as likely to "date" a bisexual (or biamorous) person of the opposite sex as a hetero- person of the opposite sex?

Why? Why not?
Hmm, just found this thread and thought the question interesting. And being hetero, I qualify to answer!

I know I would be much less likely to date a bi guy than I would a straight guy. Not only do I rarely meet any bi guys, nor hang out in social situations that attract a large number of LGBT people where I possibly would meet more of them, but -- and I am about to make a stereotyping statement (but I'm not the only one to do that in this thread) -- I have a certain picture in my head of the kind of masculinity I find attractive and a bisexual guy does not fit that picture. So, in general, I'm not usually attracted to a guy who identifies as bi. I know that conditioning is hard to get past. I know it's a prejudice I've been taught, and I am totally willing to challenge it, but I am not going to run out and seek a bisexual man just to resolve my own issues. That would feel like I'm using him.

There is someone I did flirt with for a while who is openly bi, but I admit that I have not pursued anything with him partially because of his bisexuality (besides his already having several poly relationships, a busy schedule, and not a lot of time). Something about him... I just feel if he's not totally into women, then I wouldn't have his whole attention, or something, almost like he'd be too "easy" sexually to trust. That might have something to do with the stereotype of gay guys being very promiscuous... I'm not quite sure if I can express what my trepidation is about. Like I said, I know it's a stereotype that was put in my brain somewhere along the line.

I suppose if I met someone I was crazy about and we were very compatible on lots of levels, being bisexual wouldn't completely deter me from getting involved. It's just that, based on my experiences thus far, it would be much less likely for me to seize such an opportunity.


I find these statements rather intriguing:
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I am more inclined to date bi-sexuals. I find them more open in general
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I find bisexual people to be more open-minded in general.
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I definitely agree that bisexual people are more open minded.
I wonder if the general idea is that bisexual people are "more open-minded" in about all things in life or just sexually? Personally I've known many, many people who are extremely open-minded about everything, who just happen to be straight. But I used to hang out in some very New Age-y crowds, maybe that's why.
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  #22  
Old 09-15-2011, 02:47 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I would LOVE to date a bi guy. I guess that makes me bi-guy-curious?

Although I have met many bi women, I have never (to my knowledge) met a bi guy. This is very strange to me, and I think represents an area in which our society has not yet achieved full openness about sexuality. (I think men are not always able to be in tune with their own sexuality, or there are stereotypes about bi men, or something).

I'll second what Mono said--I too have met gay men who insist there is no such thing as bisexual men. So obviously, there are a lot of unhelpful stereotypes at play.

I was rather taken aback once when a straight male friend/potential lover assumed I was bi because I was "so open-minded about sex." (When I asked him why he wasn't bi, he had no answer for me).

As for why I'd like to try dating a bi guy--mostly just because it might be fun to be with someone who gets as turned on watching Queer as Folk as I do!
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  #23  
Old 09-15-2011, 05:40 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Nyc, I agree that you shouldn't seek out a bi man just to broaden your horizons. And I appreciate your honesty. And I know this thread is not targeted at me and I'm about to engage in a slight derail.

But but but...

"Something about him... I just feel if he's not totally into women, then I wouldn't have his whole attention, or something, almost like he'd be too "easy" sexually to trust."

I've gotta say, that's just a tough thing for me to read, as a bisexual. I am *totally* into women... AND *totally* into men. When I'm with someone that person absolutely has my full and utter attention. When I'm with a man I savor him for exactly what he is, and when I'm with a woman I do the same. I certainly don't think loving more than one gender divides your attention any more than loving more than one person does.

And as for the "easy" thing... I currently live with three men, all friends from college. We share a house, to save costs and because we get along. All three are bi (one is also F-to-M and in an open marriage with one of the other dudes). Of the three, the unattached dude hasn't dated or even done more than fool around a little with anyone that I know of in the year he's been living with us, the trans guy has had a handful of partners in his life and is eager for more but very choosy, and the third dude has had exactly one other sexual partner ever aside from his husband.

So, while my household is hardly, like, a scientific study of bi men worldwide, I can at least say that in *my* experience, bi men are in no way easier than non-bi men.
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  #24  
Old 09-15-2011, 05:41 AM
Lucinda Lucinda is offline
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I'm a straight woman. Being polyamorous has led me to meet a lot more bisexual/pansexual guys than I would have otherwise. In mainstream society they seem quite rare. Or maybe they're just not visible? Knowing so many bi men means I'm more likely to date them.

I admit that I find something attractive about bisexuality in men, but I can't describe what it is. It's shallow, I guess, because sexual orientation is not controlable, but there you have it.
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  #25  
Old 09-15-2011, 05:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Lucinda View Post
Or maybe they're just not visible?
This. I've had... I don't remember exactly for sure, but at least three guys I've known over the years (not my roommates mentioned above) come out to me as bi, dudes who lived as straight and weren't widely, or at all, out. I guess I'm just a confide-able person, and it probably doesn't hurt that I've been completely out as queer since my freshman year of high school so people know I'm not going to not accept them.

If you're a gay guy, you have to come out if you want to have sexual and/or romantic relationships without living a life of constant secrecy and paranoia. But if you're a bi guy, you can date women and be happy with them and think about guys from time to time and just not ever publicly explore that part of yourself.

Cuz female bisexuality is largely accepted and even embraced in our culture. But male bisexuality still brings up ideas that they're not really "real" men, or that they're actually gay and can't quite admit it yet, or that they're probably on the down-low seeking seedy sex on the side and giving their girlfriends or wives diseases. Why would a guy choose to deal with that? Why be visible?

It takes a brave man to boldly pinch whatever ass he pleases. Kudos to you River, for being one of those men.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #26  
Old 09-15-2011, 06:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Nyc, I agree that you shouldn't seek out a bi man just to broaden your horizons. And I appreciate your honesty. And I know this thread is not targeted at me and I'm about to engage in a slight derail.

But but but...

"Something about him... I just feel if he's not totally into women, then I wouldn't have his whole attention, or something, almost like he'd be too "easy" sexually to trust."

I've gotta say, that's just a tough thing for me to read, as a bisexual.
I wasn't referring to bi women, though. I knew when I wrote that, I should have explained what I meant.

Since this thread is looking for straight people's responses to the idea of being with bi people of the opposite sex, I thought I'd take the opportunity to honestly explore some of the prejudices I have. I know that, for some reason, if I had an opportunity to be in a romantic or sexual situation with a bisexual man, I would not be totally comfortable. I can be friends with gay men, bi men, transmen, but there is something in me that only wants to be in intimate/sexual relationships with straight men.

I am being honest and admit that this is a prejudice I have, based on assumptions. And the definition of prejudice is to pre-judge someone before you have the facts about them, before you really know them, and I do not like to admit that I do that. But we all pre-judge others in some way, abut some things, in some areas of our lives, and I'm just taking a look at this one because I know it's there. Once I get to know someone well, pre-conceived notions disappear, but sometimes the initial prejudices I might have keep me a little distant and get in the way of my becoming closer.

About the "easy" part of my post -- I only think that way about bi men, not bi women, basically because of testosterone. I guess that my image of bi men is blurred a bit with the stereotype of gay men. I have always thought that when men get together with men, testosterone with testosterone, there's an idea there of them having more of a promiscuous leaning, more of a focus on sex above other things. Of course, I know such generalizations aren't true for everyone, but they do color my attractions to someone. I did make out a few times with the bi guy I had a little crush on for a while, and couldn't get past thoughts of him being with other men. And that was a big part of the turn-off for me. But he's poly with quite a number of partners, so it could've been part of also wondering just how many people this guy fucks and how open his relationships are, because he did not tell me.

I never even really thought of bisexual women in this way, I guess because at least a woman's sexuality is familiar to me, even if her preferences are outside my own. But maybe I'm a little scared of gay and bi male sexuality, almost as if all that testosterone would be too overwhelming for me. I really don't know - I'm just trying to deconstruct it so I can understand myself better. I'm certain most of this was taught to me as part of my cultural conditioning, so it's very strongly ingrained -- I still recall a conversation with my sister when we were in our late teens or early 20s, and she was saying how men are like dogs and can't control themselves, so when you have men with men, it's even more intense. Of course I know better now, all these many years later, but I'm sure it made an impression on how I look at guys and sex and relationships. At least I'm aware and looking at it! Just wondering where prejudices end and just plain old preferences for whom I find attractive begins.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-15-2011 at 07:09 AM.
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  #27  
Old 09-15-2011, 02:46 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I know that, for some reason, if I had an opportunity to be in a romantic or sexual situation with a bisexual man, I would not be totally comfortable. I can be friends with gay men, bi men, transmen, but there is something in me that only wants to be in intimate/sexual relationships with straight men.
I understand this.

I try to look past it because it would be somewhat hypocritical of me, being bi, but I don't find the *idea* of bi men attractive.

On dating sites, I sorta "gloss over" bi men and go to the the straight men.

Its a bit of a circular issue for me.

What it comes down to (for me) is that I'm not attracted to SUBMISSIVE men, and in my head, as stupid and illogical as it is, bi men = submissive men.

Its even more convoluted in my head because my husband is bi-curious and I still find him wildly attractive.

So while I don't and won't seek a bi man, if I were to MEET one and get to know him, I'd be able to move past my initial reaction.
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  #28  
Old 09-15-2011, 03:11 PM
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I was just thinking that it may well be that some of the women here who are attracted to bi (particularly biamorous) men are attracted, in part, because we tend to be more emotionally androgynous. By which I mean that we tend to embody the full range of human emotional responsiveness. Many women desire a quality of companionship which many or most men cannot offer, simply because they are caught up in lots of masculinity training (and perhaps also some biological traits).

Were I a woman, I'd definitely prefer biamorous or otherwise more androgynous sorts of guys. And I don't mean he wears mens' workboots, a flowery skirt, and a mens' shirt. Appearance has little to do with what I'm talking about. Most biamorous men are like myself. We "pass" as regular straight dudes ... until we get to talking. And when we get to talking ... we're just what the women generally want. We're kind, sensitive, thoughtful, tender, vulnerable, feeling..., but also tough and rugged and "masculine" when the situation calls for it.

Okay, enough bragging on myself.
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  #29  
Old 09-15-2011, 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
What it comes down to (for me) is that I'm not attracted to SUBMISSIVE men, and in my head, as stupid and illogical as it is, bi men = submissive men.
Okay, everyone here who thinks I'm "submissive," raise your hands.
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  #30  
Old 09-15-2011, 03:19 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Cindie and mbg, thanks for being open about sharing your biases about bi men. Bi biases, heh.

First of all, if a woman has dated 10 guys, she's probably dated at least one bi guy. Most men don't admit to their homosexual cravings to themselves, much less to friends, much less to women they date. Since I am listed as bi on okc, I have been contacted by countless guys who list themselves as straight, but can't wait to tell me how gay they are. They also tell me they don't list themselves as bi, for fear of turning off women, even bi women (like mbg).

Second of all, interesting that mbg thinks of bi men as weak because of their craving for gay sex. Of course, being penetrated in our society is seen as womanly. And women are understood in the patriarchal culture (6000 years and still going strong) to be weak and second class. Since we have vaginas that enjoy being penetrated, penetration must equal weakness and being second class. (This flies in the face of the manly Spartan warrior culture of old, where MM sex was considered superior, and women were married only for procreation.)

Of course, this leads men to not allow themselves to enjoy the prostate stimulation available to them from being anally penetrated, even in masturbation or with their female partners, much less with men.

Not all men enjoy anal penetration though, not even all fully gay men. Lots of gay men never do anal.

Crazy cultural constrictions.
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