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  #41  
Old 09-03-2011, 02:00 AM
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LOL, no worries cyndie, I am not a cinderella!

I have no idea what I am except tired and kind of.. dull?

having an 'I don't give a shit' moment tonight. Khas is over there... again.. and while I wish he wasn't over there so much at the same time if he was home we would only be talking about Pixie or poly or the kids or money or in our own corners doing our own things, so it doesn't really matter. Hard to imagine why we are trying to save this marriage when our relationship has devolved to nothing but the mundane.

I know I 'keep him grounded' but ........... bleh... this will turn into a rant soon and I just wanted to check-in here and remind myself I'm still breathing.
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  #42  
Old 09-03-2011, 02:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post

So to sum up I do think we sometimes hang onto things that aren't ideal because that we think the alternatives are just too scary. I think it's really important to work out if our decisions are based on love or fear. And that love has to be for ourselves not for our kids, our partner, our families, our finances or anyone, or anything else. That might sound selfish to some people but otherwise you are building a life on bs. I know I tried putting everyone else first for far, far too long. Once we start taking one step in the right direction everything falls into place and you look back and think "Wow did I really do that?"
Thank you for this... I have a lot of thinking to do .. and journaling....
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  #43  
Old 09-03-2011, 06:06 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justlost View Post
Hard to imagine why we are trying to save this marriage when our relationship has devolved to nothing but the mundane.
Exactly why a married couple needs to make time for hot dates with each other, whether they are poly or mono or whatever. But especially when one spouse has another relationship -- it's important that you're not just there for the mundane. I say, start planning a sexy evening to surprise him with!


And don't think I was kidding about giving him his shirts to bring to her to do, hahaha!
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-03-2011 at 06:16 AM.
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  #44  
Old 09-04-2011, 04:09 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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Default read your entire blog.

You can read some of what my life is like as well.

Here is what i have to say. I love my wife more than she will ever know, I will be with her right to the end. I also love my GF, and i know my wife loves her BF.

I see her the way she lights up sometimes when she sees him. She does not do that with me anymore, but thats OK, yes it hurts me a bit, but I know we have a strong love for each other. when she is happy with him I am really happy for her.

Yes there are times i can be jealous, and i give certain things to my wife that she doesnt get from her BF and vice versa. And you know thats good, it allows for all of us to grow and learn.

If you take khas out of the picture , how would you feel about B? thats what you need to concentrate on, and yes you need to feel good about you.

As for him not loving you best, thats probably not true, as it is for me, i love my GF and that DOES NOT take away from the love i have for my wife, although those loves are quite different.

Instead of khas always being away from you , this has the negative of making you feel alone, perhaps they should spend time together with you. It is ok for you to see the love he has for her, take joy in that and you will find that things will be better. when he gives that love to her, its not like he is draining the love pot, so there is none left for you; far from it, also know that down the road the new love will settle down to be a more regular love as well.

enough of my ramblings. If you can take joy in what they have it will help you, but you are probably feeling alone right now and that is more than likely damaging your feelings.
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  #45  
Old 09-09-2011, 02:57 AM
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Default rant warning

we are all 3 together with our families pretty much every weekend, when we are not at Pixie's she is over here with us, we set up a guest room and we are all pretty comfortable. Actually its a little easier for me when the three of us are together.
Mostly though I just feel this consuming rage and sadness right now. I don't want to f**king share my husband, my future, my family... I'm sorry that I am not all the things that he thought I was and thought he wanted. He isn't all he thought he was and wanted for himself either. And I get that he is trying to find happiness in a way that will allow our relationship to continue....
taking myself out of it... I am happy for him, I see how having many loves is good for him and fits him and all that... I just don't want it in my damn life, I want one life, one love, one future.. I want to be a priority in my partner's life not a product of a balancing act...
and yes, I expected him to 'share' me with my kids these last 13 years, I expected him to share and to accept and more to be Happy with it.. and no I don't have the words to explain but it is NOT the same..

I don't understand how to even say anything anymore... I want out so desperately .... and I don't want to lose him and I don't want to lose US either...

I really really really really wish I could just disappear from my own f**king life.
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  #46  
Old 09-14-2011, 08:14 AM
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I figured a thing or two out today

My fear right now revolves around not being of primary importance in khas' life.

Everything seems to revolve around pixie...

Ex:

Our daughter had abdomen surgery last week, I stayed over with her in the hospital and was frankly exhausted when we got home. He left about an hour after we got home to visit with pixie and help her son with his new computer

For years I've been trying to get khas serious about buying a house, tonight she says she doesn't find it impressive that he would rather go out to eat then run to the store to get veggies to go with the dinner I had already prepared... within an hour of her leaving tonight he comes to me with a plan on how 'we' are going to make a home a priority.

In a way I'm grateful, countless times in the past couple months she has intervened with him in ways that she knows will improve life for both myself and our daughter.

however it leaves me feeling like after all these years my wants, needs, opinions and desires just are not a priority any more.

and thats just sad.... wec've talked and he says thats not the case its just easier to see from a different perspective.

and

the other night he was telling me how much he enjoys the many things he and pixie have in common, and they do, music and food and even circadia rythms...
then he tells me that if she wont do poly he wants he and i to remain best friends... maybe occasional sex partners and living in the same house as tribe members or something. ..... essentially choosing to maintain a relationship with her j*insteadj* of me if forced to choose. two hours later he changed his mind, said he could never do that to me, that he shouldnt make decisions when coming off his 48 hr shift schedule.....

ok, well it seems to me we should make that change now relatively drama free while we are strong enough to do so... but he insists he didn't mean it.... he was just talking through possibilities.

i feel like a dog shit encrusted doormat permanently attached to his foot.

the other thing i learned?
even with all this high school yo-yo bullshit i still love to see his smile a grin at his grumpiness and be baffled by his sighs and apparently that means im still not goung anywhere.
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  #47  
Old 09-14-2011, 04:41 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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WOAH WOAH.

I mean, we ALL know about NRE, but that boy's gotta check himself before he wrecks himself (and by "himself" I mean his marriage)!!

I mean, all he other stuff you just mentioned, the ways be seems to be prioritizing her desires over yours, all that should be pointed out to him... not as a way of saying he shouldn't consider her, but rather that he needs to do some reading and thinking about NRE and then he needs to make absolutely sure he's giving you the same energy and consideration... because NRE is a phase, even if it doesn't feel like it, and if he tramples all over you or consistently shows you that you don't matter as much as her and loses you because of it he's going to feel pretty damn stupid.

But actually saying he'd choose her over you??? Just tossing that out there like that??!? I'm so angry for you right now. Being tired is no excuse. He needs to think seriously about how important to him his commitment to you is and then confirm that to you in no uncertain terms. Not as a perfunctory "Oh, I didn't mean it" statement, but as a thoughtful and real NEW commitment... hell, it seems called for since you're in such a new stage for your relationship. *sigh*

On the other hand, it's *awesome* that Pixie's nudges to him are based on building up your life with him rather than tearing it down. That's the sort of metamour you want in your life. Someone who's "on your team" so to speak.

*hug* That assh@le. Nice smile or no, he'd better shape up.
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  #48  
Old 09-15-2011, 03:51 AM
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Ouch. I deserve that.

Yes, I can be an @ss - I'm the first to admit it. I'm human, and I'm living, learning and making mistakes. Having the discussion was a mistake, despite being driven by what I thought were good reasons (over communicating, all that). Yes, I was exceptionally tired, and yes, I was/am dealing with NRE poorly. I own these mistakes, and am trying to learn from them.

I don't care to get into the details too deeply here, because I don't want to derail, but what I'll say is that this exposed a real issue with my communication skills - that being that I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut, regardless of the fact that I consider my wife my best friend in the world, and would like to be able to discuss anything with her, including things that I *know* are a bad idea. I'm still trying to find balance, and this was really intended to be a discussion about that. However, the simple act of talking through an idea - devils advocate, whatever - can have a lot of implications, and I'm still learning when to keep my mouth shut and process (or at least, find a neutral third party to talk it through). I am, apparently, quite bad at that.
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  #49  
Old 09-15-2011, 04:17 AM
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Khas, I actually sympathize completely on that score. I am all about communication, which is supposed to be the ultimate holy grail in poly. But I've been discovering just what you have over the last year or so... that sometimes, some things really do need to be left unsaid. It's such a tough lesson for people who love to think and think and think and talk and talk and talk. I feel you.

And I shoulda said "that guy who is currently acting like an @ss", since I'm sure you're not inherently, incurably an @ss any moreso than most of us.
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  #50  
Old 09-15-2011, 04:43 AM
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Khas, it's great that you are seeing where/how you need to improve your communicating. But there are more issues here than communication, which need to be addressed.

You need to remember the gift your wife has given you by being willing to live polyamorously when it's something that feels like a knife in her gut. Never forget it.

You're not really juggling two relationships if all your attentions and affection are focused on either one or the other. You shouldn't feel guilty for having a great time with your gf, but you need to take your wife out on romantic dates, too. You have the responsibility to give affection and loving attention to BOTH of them. Your wife is not your maid and washer-woman. When you're home you must share responsibilities for housework if you expect to be able to have a girlfriend. You need to engage with her, not come home and isolate yourself and ignore her, expecting her to manage the household and children while you have your fun. It's not really poly if you're fawning over the gf and neglecting your wife. That's just cheating with permission, and a pretty shitty way to treat the woman who has been by your side for years and accepted that you can love more than one. Remember the loving part in loving more than one. If you don't treat your wife with tenderness, love, and the utmost respect and consideration, you're setting both your relationships up to fail. Time to wake up.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-15-2011 at 04:46 AM.
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