Changing from Primary to Secondary????

[opalescent]

Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner

The title or role is really just for my benefit. The need to know where I belong and how to handle everything. I know it seems silly and I am working on that. My husband and I will never be done trying to make our marriage work for the best. It will always be a work in progress that's for sure.

It's not silly at all. Some people, and I'm certainly one of them, have to have a framework - labels, titles, - in order to make sense of what's going in my world. I find labels helpful. I keep in mind that while labels represent reality, they aren't real themselves but rather a useful shorthand to think about things. They also won't tell you 'how to handle everything'.

It's possible that you and your husband may be better suited to be less or differently involved with each other, however, defined. Your respective OSOs may be better primary relationships for each of you.

However, I caution you about going down this path in one respect. Make sure it's done out of love - for yourself, for your husband, and your OSOs - rather than out of fear or exhaustion. Being with your husband is probably harder than with your OSO - he may also find this to be true with his OSO and you. Working through problems is tiring and frustrating. It might seem easier and solve many problems if you and he changed the nature of your relationship - and this might well be the case. But be cautious and conscious about the intent behind making that change - out of love and joy or out of fear and exhaustion. (And I'm sure you have both - but which predominates is the question.)

[nycindie]

LHLH, you said in your first post that you and your hubs are on a good track, but it sounds more like you are scared and grasping at straws.

[lovinhimloviner]

Hubby and I are going to counseling together for the first time tonight. I will bring up the question of weather or not it is just out of love or frustration that we are going down this path. Thank you for your comments it helps me to figure things out.

[lovinhimloviner]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

I did more or less but for different reasons....I wrote a thread asking essentialy the same thing.... I think I said rejecting the primary position. No one at the time had similar experiences... I think you're breaking new ground.

It really is kind of hard to know how to handle everything. I am the type of person who feels the need to talk about everything and my Hubby and his OSO are the opposite. It makes it harder for me to come to terms with everything because he just wants to hang out and learn to be best friends again. If I bring up the things that are important to me then he says it is too dramatic and will drive him crazy.

I have been a wife for 9 years. I will never be 20 something again and I can not make my body go back to what it was before I had kids. My hormones and mind set are just different now. I worry that he needs me to be the person I was before to be happy with me.

My OSO has been with my family for the last 9 years as well but just recently in the romantic sense. We are experiencing NRE but not like my H and his OSO. I already know everything about my OSO good and bad and love him for all of it. He loves me for who I am now and that is so very refreshing.

It is hard not to expect my husband to still act like my husband. At the same time I can not expect him to have his OSO as his primary and still act like my husband. I am hoping tonight counseling trip will help a little. I know it is a long road but I love everyone in my family and will do what I can on my part to make things better.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner

Hubby and I are going to counseling together for the first time tonight. I will bring up the question of weather or not it is just out of love or frustration that we are going down this path. Thank you for your comments it helps me to figure things out.

It really doesn't matter what got you to the counselor. When my husband and I started going, it wasn't out of love, at least for me, it was desperation. Truth was, at that point in our marriage I think I don't think I did have a lot of love left, I didn't hate him, but I didn't love him either. Things have changed dramatically since then and I can honestly say that I do LOVE my husband. Good Luck!

[lovinhimloviner]

Originally Posted by nycindie

LHLH, you said in your first post that you and your hubs are on a good track, but it sounds more like you are scared and grasping at straws.

This very well may be I'm not sure.

[lovinhimloviner]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

It really doesn't matter what got you to the counselor. When my husband and I started going, it wasn't out of love, at least for me, it was desperation. Truth was, at that point in our marriage I think I don't think I did have a lot of love left, I didn't hate him, but I didn't love him either. Things have changed dramatically since then and I can honestly say that I do LOVE my husband. Good Luck!

I know that I love him but I don't know if we really like each other any more. I know I have changed over the years. That is what happens to people. He claims he is still the same person but he isn't of course. I know he doesn't like me for who I am today but still loves me and claims to still be in love with me. I am not sure if I can truly believe that or not but I try to. As a person the way he lives and how he sets his priorities I am not sure if he is someone that I like either. I know for a fact that I love this man and I think I am still in love with him but I don't really think I like the person he has become. Or maybe I couldn't see the real person behind the love blinders before. I am not sure but I pray that everything works out for the best, whatever that might be.

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner

I know that I love him but I don't know if we really like each other any more. I know I have changed over the years. That is what happens to people. He claims he is still the same person but he isn't of course. I know he doesn't like me for who I am today but still loves me and claims to still be in love with me. I am not sure if I can truly believe that or not but I try to. As a person the way he lives and how he sets his priorities I am not sure if he is someone that I like either. I know for a fact that I love this man and I think I am still in love with him but I don't really think I like the person he has become. Or maybe I couldn't see the real person behind the love blinders before. I am not sure but I pray that everything works out for the best, whatever that might be.

You know that there is a period of time in the beginning of relationships where the hormones and brain chemicals are basically blinding us to who each other "really" are. Not that we don't see a lot of the real person, but it's all shiny and smooth and even the not-so-nice stuff gets shoved under the couch and ignored because of the good feelings involved. That period can last up to a couple of years, depending on circumstances, and it's only after that time when our brains go back to "normal" that we can truly start to see each other and BEGIN to get to know one another.

A lot of people get tricked into thinking that those visions we have of each other in the beginning are the "real" us, and then after that somehow we have changed... and spend a lot of wasted useless time trying to get that first person back. The one that never really existed at all.

Maybe while you're at the counselor's... instead of trying to see "who you were" and "how you've changed"... you both can spend some time figuring out who you are now, and dealing with that. If you don't necessarily like how your husband prioritizes-- this is the perfect time to bring that up (with specifics, of course, and calmly!). A third person is great in helping to sort through the BS and help you two get to the heart of the matter.

And I'm always suspicious of people who say they are they same people they were 10 years ago... as if that's a good thing!

[lovinhimloviner]

Everything is just always so hard. We have never all sat down together to talk about any of this. We do it in pairs and then one person says two different things to two different people or at least they take it a different way. Trying to treat this as 3 separate relationships when we are all in the same house every night is very hard.

I made the mistake of asking my husband if he really wants to put the hard work into it that our relationship has to have in order to survive or if he would prefer to get a divorce. Well that set him off. He was ready to leave. HE swore that it was what I wanted. It isn't of course but I wanted to make sure it wasn't what he wanted. Every time we try to talk about stuff even if it feels like things are getting better to me, it is like he trows his hands in the air, says we never get any where besides going backwards and that talking about it makes him crazy. I don't want him to go crazy either.

He love his OSO and is happier with her than he is or has been with me all year. I just wanted to make sure he really wanted to work on us or take the easy way out, make her his primary (already in the works) and just leave me.

[lovinhimloviner]

Last night was, amazing! I thought about a lot of what the counselor was telling me, what the people on the forum I read was saying and changed the way I listened to my husband. I put away the bad feelings and tried to remember I am not always right.

When I opened my self up to what he was saying in stead of how he was saying it, I could really hear what he was saying. We talked for a couple of hours while we sat next to the river. Once I started listening and understanding what he was saying he started doing the same thing.

I really feel like we understand where the other is coming from and we both see where we need to work to make things better. I love my husband and I truly want him to be happy. Not just with his OSO but with me too. I want to be happy with him and now we are actually getting somewhere.
The talked ended in a glorious kiss that took our breath away. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. All of us.