Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 10-27-2009, 04:59 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
It sounds like RP is worried about the possibility of people thinking that she changed the guardianship designation out of spite and retaliation.

.
This is more about pointing out that your parents don't have some of the same values and aproach to integrating in the world as you do. Essentially you are saying thet they will not produce the person that you feel is best for the world. "Your way of living is not what I want for my child". There's unintentional judgement in that which would be hard to swallow.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 10-27-2009, 06:39 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
This is more about pointing out that your parents don't have some of the same values and aproach to integrating in the world as you do. Essentially you are saying thet they will not produce the person that you feel is best for the world. "Your way of living is not what I want for my child". There's unintentional judgement in that which would be hard to swallow.

I should think that would be obvious in light of recent developments.

OTOH, they raised her, and she turned out ok.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 10-27-2009, 07:05 PM
MoonFairy's Avatar
MoonFairy MoonFairy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 12
Default

More often than not, it's not just our parents' influence that makes us who we are as adults. This is especially true for me. My parents are good, responsible people. I feel that I am a loving, caring person. But I didn't learn this from them, really. They taught me how to pay my bills on time, show up when I'm expected to, and be emotionally distant. It was my relationships with other people that taught me how to be loving.

So, just because a person turns out okay, doesn't mean that their parents are solely responsible for that. I love my parents deeply, but when I made my living will, I did not list them as guardians of my children in the event of my or their father's death. I picked people that I knew would raise my kids in a loving, affectionate, happy home. That's not to say that my parents would do a bad job raising my children, they just wouldn't do it the way I would. And I think that is the important factor.

Feelings may be hurt or judgements passed when selecting or re-selecting guardians for children, but ultimately all that matters is that we pick the people that will let us live on through our children and that will nurture and love them as close to the way that we would.

L
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 10-27-2009, 07:12 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,093
Default

One more thought RP-

I know for me-my parents love my children-but the truth is we have a young child and older parents. If you did want to change it could you not address it in a way (fits with what I said above) that noted that due to their age you would not prefer they be in the parental role, but someone more your age and likely to be around longer-but that visitation with them be MANDATORY for the new person to ensure between child and grandparents?

Hard choices yes.

I remember when we had Ailsa-(my oldest) this was VERY important to me and I was adamant it not be grandparents for the simple fear that she could lose me to an accident-be put with a grandparent and lose them to "natural" causes. Too much for a child to go through.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 10-27-2009, 07:18 PM
MoonFairy's Avatar
MoonFairy MoonFairy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 12
Default

This was part of my motivation for not choosing my parents as well. They are by no means "old" yet, but they aren't young either. I think there is a reason we have children around the age that most people do. When we are young, we have more energy, and our lives seem to sync up better.

I'm not saying that grandparents can't do the job, because that would just be silly. However, it was important to me that the couple I chose to raise my kids should something happen to me or their father be as much like me as possible, and that includes age, life path, and views.

The biggest issue I faced was selecting my good friends and not my sister. My parents were not nearly upset about my decision as my sister and her wife were. We worked past it, and they came to see why I made the choice that I did, but it wasn't an easy conversation to have with them.

L
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 10-27-2009, 07:21 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonFairy View Post

So, just because a person turns out okay, doesn't mean that their parents are solely responsible for that.
I didn't mean that. I meant that they raised her and she turned out ok despite that fact.


If you read some of RP's and Mono's posts, especially the one titled "Redpepper needs support", you will discover that her parents, particularly her mother, have passed along some of their issues to RP.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 10-27-2009, 07:32 PM
MoonFairy's Avatar
MoonFairy MoonFairy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 12
Default

Oh, I know hun! I guess I should have been more specific in saying that I meant that in a general sense, and not just her in particular!

Good parents can rear bad kids, bad parents can rear good kids, and every variation inbetween!

All I was saying was that while our parents can influence our lives, they aren't usually the only influence that shapes who we become.

I have a good friend that was so neglected and abused by her mother, that other people shaping her personality wasn't really even possible. It has been a challenge in helping her past all the issues that her mother left her with.

I truely hope I didn't upset you, hun! That wasn't my intention at all!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 10-27-2009, 07:56 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

I'm not upset, I just wanted to make sure my comment was understood the way it was intended to be.

Yet, I didn't want to speak too much of RP in the 3rd person as though she's not in the same room.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 10-27-2009, 07:57 PM
MoonFairy's Avatar
MoonFairy MoonFairy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 12
Default

It was! It was my fault with the wording of my post.

L
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 10-27-2009, 08:14 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I am actually very much like my mum in a lot of ways and that is what we were thinking of when we chose them. My dad is a lot like my husband.
I was shocked when we came out that the issues I had worked on with her over the years and in therapy had not been resolved. Also in light of the fact that my mum is taking her masters in social work I thought she would be more worldly by now and less judgmental. Apparently not.

Yes, it will be hard to talk to them about all this in some ways as I am disappointed but I actually will be just fine too. After all they asked us to sign over property we co-owned together that they no longer want us to go to. They also accused Mono of sexual inappropriatness with my boy. Even put our family doctor in a position to act on her neurotic thoughts by telling him as a professional instead of going by what they knew of my son and Mono or listening to us as his parents. Nope, I think I will be okay mentioning it. I think they would not be surprised. If it causes trouble I will pull the age card as they are in their late 60's anyway.

Thanks for all this ygirl and moonfairy and for starting this thread! Interesting. Have some things to look at now that I have been reminded.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 10-27-2009 at 08:21 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:59 AM.