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Old 09-13-2011, 12:07 PM
Ellzie Ellzie is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Default What a mess.

Hiya. I'm Liz. I have a boyfriend of about a year and a half... and a man that I am completely in love with.

After trying to explain my situation I've found out just how difficult it is to do so!

The man I'm completely in love with, Tresch, I've known for almost four years. I've loved him since a few months in to our friendship. He is polyamorous, and we've had a very rocky relationship due to this.

The first two years I kept things to myself for the most part, which left me with a substantial amount of pain. I've spent so much time trying to broaden my horizons and get comfortable with the fact that he has relations with other women, convinced that I just needed to open my mind.

Two years ago I told him I loved him, and our relationship has been even more rocky since then. At one point I couldn't take it anymore and asked him if there was ever any chance that he would be with me, in any way, and he said no.

I've distanced myself from him many times in hopes that I could get a fresh perspective and perhaps shake my feelings for him but it never works out, I'll be detached for a while and then things go right back to normal, me being head over heels for him and once again miserable.

He has not had a girlfriend in a very long time. A few weeks back I bit the bullet and had him tell me about every single one of his current relationships, and from what I can tell mine is the most romantic of the rest of them by far. He has told me he loves me too, that he isn't ashamed of me, that he is proud that I be by his side.

I have intense jealousy issues. My parents left me with a bucket-load of mental disabilities- ADHD, intense depression, mild schizophrenia, self-esteem issues - and I have trouble changing these things. I want to be with him, and figure out what we're doing with our lives with him, and have a family with him, but I can't help but be scared and uncomfortable with his lifestyle.

We've talked for days about what would make things work for me and I decided that I needed to be his primary, or I couldn't do it anymore, and that he needed to figure out how important I was to him, and how much he would be willing to compromise to accommodate me since I have been bending over backwards and breaking bones (metaphorically speaking) for him this whole time.

In the meantime, I have my boyfriend. We rushed in to moving in together primarily because of financial issues, but I question if I am actually in love with him. He has so many little things that bug the crap out of me, we don't have sex, and I feel generally emotionally detached from him 95% of the time.

When we first started dating I told him that I enjoy sex with individuals if the opportunity presents itself, and he said that was okay. Tresch and I have been physical for at least 6 months. Recently, BF and I had the discussion again and he apparently didn't understand, and was completely uncomfortable with the idea of Tresch and I doing anything with each other. I made the mistake of not telling him that it was happening anyway.

AUGH. I am so tired of the drama in my head. I need help. I need advice. I don't know what to do.

I know I should tell BF about what has been going on, but I don't think either of us are emotionally stable enough to deal with that talk. He knows our relationship isn't healthy, but he is oblivious as to why.
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  #2  
Old 09-13-2011, 03:04 PM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Default

Welcome to the forum.

Have you ever considered option d: None of the Above.?
There may be something to recommend taking yourself away from both of them, and spend some time figuring out yourself and what you want. It could be that neither of them are actually suitable for what you'll need. You just need the courage to walk away and stand on your own for a while.
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“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

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Old 09-13-2011, 06:40 PM
Ellzie Ellzie is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Default

You're right, that is probably the best thing. This Christmas my best friend's mum invited me to stay with them for the duration. It may be good for me.

If I could let go of Tresch I think BF and I could work out, but we would have to try very hard. But, that intense passionate comforting homey feeling I have with him... I feel so safe, and so loved, and so satisfied, and so inspired. And it's not just NRE or infatuation, at least I don't think it is. I considered the possibility of just wanting what I can't have, but I don't think that is the case either.

I don't know.
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