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  #81  
Old 09-13-2011, 03:31 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
I agree that sequential terms don't necessarily mean hierarchy, but in this case, they would. They are awful terms and definitely need to stop being used for a more fair naming system, if you're really someone who needs a name for everything.
They're not awful terms. People make them awful with their own preferences/baggage/stupid choices.

Call yourself what you want; don't try to dictate what others call themselves.
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  #82  
Old 09-13-2011, 03:39 PM
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It just occurred to me that there is the common English (language) phrase, "second class citizen". A second class citizen is one which is treated as a "second," as one with less power, prestige, influence, value....

It is of course true that people are free to have relationships which are explicitly hierarchical in this way. As long as the "secondary" likes this role, I've no complaints. But I do think we're kidding ourselves if we think the term "secondary" doesn't come with this aura around it. It clearly does.
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  #83  
Old 09-13-2011, 03:44 PM
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Call yourself what you want; don't try to dictate what others call themselves.
No one here wants to dictate to anyone what language they "must" choose on this matter. We're simply having a conversation. Some of us think there may be a kinder, gentler way to language these differing kinds of relationships. That's all.

Polyamory is both a lovestyle (as it is sometimes called) and a "discourse". It is, in part, the concepts and values and commitments which we create in conversation within "the poly discourse". In some sense, polyamory is a cultural work of art. We're all participants in its creation. It goes without saying that "the poly discourse" is free- and wide-ranging and neither centralized nor monolithic. It's a vast conversation with many different voices--just as it should be.
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Last edited by River; 09-13-2011 at 03:46 PM.
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  #84  
Old 09-13-2011, 04:26 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by River View Post
No one here wants to dictate to anyone what language they "must" choose on this matter.
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Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
They are awful terms and definitely need to stop being used ...
Sounded like dictating to me. Perhaps I'm mistaken.

Either way, they don't "definitely need to stop being used". They are perfectly acceptable for some people. That's fine. They are unacceptable to others. Also fine. I take issue with the gross generalization of them being awful and everyone should stop using them.
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  #85  
Old 09-13-2011, 04:36 PM
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Sounded like dictating to me. Perhaps I'm mistaken.
There is no official or institutional authority ("Poly Police") within the poly discourse, so I took those words to mean something like, "I find it offensive; one should never wear a horizontally striped vest with a vertically striped shirt! Yuck!"
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  #86  
Old 09-13-2011, 04:39 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by River View Post
There is no official or institutional authority ("Poly Police") within the poly discourse, so I took those words to mean something like, "I find it offensive; one should never wear a horizontally striped vest with a vertically striped shirt! Yuck!"
Gotcha!
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  #87  
Old 09-13-2011, 04:44 PM
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  #88  
Old 09-13-2011, 04:48 PM
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Either way, they don't "definitely need to stop being used". They are perfectly acceptable for some people. That's fine. They are unacceptable to others. Also fine. I take issue with the gross generalization of them being awful and everyone should stop using them.
I agree. If the secondary really is secondary in terms of something, wheather it's importance, time or whatever, then those terms are in place if someone wants to use them in their own relationships. They can represent the situation if it really is like that and for some people it is. Like I said before, I don't want to use the terms primary and secondary in my relationships, but I have no problem if other people use them in situations where they are appropriate terms.

Although I think we would need new terms for situations where primary and secondary don't seem appropriate (there's no hierarchy), but there still are differences in the relationships that one wants to emphasize. Like this for example:

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Anyone you're with for pleasure and/or affection is a "lovemate", anyone you're bonded to for life is a "lifemate".
I like this suggestion, but I still wouldn't use those either, because I feel like I'm 100 % committed and bonded for life with both my partners, even though I'm only married to one of them.
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  #89  
Old 09-14-2011, 12:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
"I find it offensive; one should never wear a horizontally striped vest with a vertically striped shirt! Yuck!"
You know what I hate? When someone tells me I should never wear my vertically striped shirt with my polka-dotted underwear and my checkered socks. That just irks me to no end!
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  #90  
Old 09-14-2011, 01:07 AM
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Don't those damned fashionistas need to get a life!

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Last edited by River; 09-14-2011 at 01:21 AM.
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