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  #31  
Old 09-13-2011, 01:52 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I'm going to guess that the reason she is so concerned with you and him being in love is because she (and he, and they together) have NOT fully worked through the past loss of trust issue. He lied and cheated on her with other people, and in some place she "accepted" that's what he needed and has opened up the possibility of him having that in their life to keep her family intact. But moving from that to really being able to accept him loving another are two completely different things. She might very well not be poly, but be "accepting" that this is what he needs to do.

When you don't fully trust your partner, don't feel that they've made you a priority (not the only one, just A priority), and are not getting your needs met-- it is VERY difficult to then be open and loving and accepting of them doing these things for somebody else. And after infidelity (and that's what it was as they weren't poly when he was out running around and lying to her), it takes quite a bit of work and effort to rebuild that trust before the relationship can heal.

And you can "intellectually" think that poly seems to make sense and is what you want, but if you're not emotionally together and healthy you're going to find the hurdles and issues that get pulled out a lot harder to get over.

To me this seems like another case of a couple NOT getting their shit together before dragging somebody else into the mix. And unfortunately, not only does the couple suffer, but the individual that has come into the situation usually gets a lot of drama and/or the short end of the stick. :-/
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  #32  
Old 09-13-2011, 10:29 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I'm going to guess that the reason she is so concerned with you and him being in love is because she (and he, and they together) have NOT fully worked through the past loss of trust issue. He lied and cheated on her with other people, and in some place she "accepted" that's what he needed and has opened up the possibility of him having that in their life to keep her family intact. But moving from that to really being able to accept him loving another are two completely different things. She might very well not be poly, but be "accepting" that this is what he needs to do.

When you don't fully trust your partner, don't feel that they've made you a priority (not the only one, just A priority), and are not getting your needs met-- it is VERY difficult to then be open and loving and accepting of them doing these things for somebody else. And after infidelity (and that's what it was as they weren't poly when he was out running around and lying to her), it takes quite a bit of work and effort to rebuild that trust before the relationship can heal.

And you can "intellectually" think that poly seems to make sense and is what you want, but if you're not emotionally together and healthy you're going to find the hurdles and issues that get pulled out a lot harder to get over.

To me this seems like another case of a couple NOT getting their shit together before dragging somebody else into the mix. And unfortunately, not only does the couple suffer, but the individual that has come into the situation usually gets a lot of drama and/or the short end of the stick. :-/
Very true all a lot of fronts. Thanks once again for the very thoughtful comments!

Just to be clear though, Tom was unfaithful to his ex-wife, not Sarah.

Also, not that this makes a significant difference, but they are not married.
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  #33  
Old 09-13-2011, 11:18 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Very true all a lot of fronts. Thanks once again for the very thoughtful comments!

Just to be clear though, Tom was unfaithful to his ex-wife, not Sarah.

Also, not that this makes a significant difference, but they are not married.
Actually, what am I saying!? He was unfaithful in the first three months of their relationship. He was still married and hadn't told her...though he claimed they were not intimate, but none-the-less that's a HUGE betrayal not to tell you're married. I would think five years would be enough to heal from that, though I have never experienced that kind of betrayal so what do I know....
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  #34  
Old 09-14-2011, 02:54 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Actually, what am I saying!? He was unfaithful in the first three months of their relationship. He was still married and hadn't told her...though he claimed they were not intimate, but none-the-less that's a HUGE betrayal not to tell you're married. I would think five years would be enough to heal from that, though I have never experienced that kind of betrayal so what do I know....
Interesting. To me, though, starting a relationship like that means they never HAD any trust to begin with... so it's not as much recovering from that as trying to build trust where there is nothing.

Regardless, I could make guesses all day as to what's going on with their relationship and that wouldn't help at all as they are only just guesses! I'm thinking that maybe the best thing you can do for yourself is to focus back on YOU. Figure out what you want, what you need, maybe learn a little bit about yourself and why you make the choices you do. And spend some time grieving the loss of the previous relationship. Let yourself feel that loss so you can move through it and come out the other side.

Maybe this was just a big smack on the head that it's time to focus on yourself for a while. For me, the trials and tribulations I went through this year were what it took for me to figure out I needed to get some clarity on myself and do the work I'd been putting off. Had things not been so dire, I would have put off the work further. Sometimes things have to get bad enough and kick us out of our comfort zone and away from our distractions in order for us to have the incentive to do that work.
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  #35  
Old 09-14-2011, 03:04 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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I would think five years would be enough to heal from that, though I have never experienced that kind of betrayal so what do I know....
I would bet a lot of buttons, that there are two old sayings, that play in the back of her head. Things we are all taught.

' If he`ll do it with you, he`ll do it to you.'

and ;

' Once a cheater, always a cheater. '

For that reason, she could possibly always be on guard.
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  #36  
Old 09-15-2011, 09:59 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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The suggestions you have had here are great I think. I agree that you would do better to focus on yourself at this time. It sound like they have some stuff to work on in many areas.

This is sounding like it is turning into a friendship. She doesn't want you to spend alone time with him, you don't seem interested in being romantic with her, neither are available to spend time with right now and he seems to be unavailable entirely. It sounds like this went way too fast and imploded.

I think if I were in your circumstance I would negotiate alone time with both of them and together time. Regular date times that are discussed and followed through with until something changes. If you are only interested in him... then this is a vee and it might suit to start treating it as such (or did I miss something there). Spending date time with him and social time with both of them is what I would suggest. Why beat around the bush trying to make this something that is it isn't. If it ends up being a friendship, so be it. If the bonds deepen, so be it. One thing is for sure as far as I am concerned, time to slow right down.

It sounds like she is likely to be confrontational about alone time with him for you. So I think I would prepare to put my foot down about this. It is completely unreasonable to not have that as an option. Either you can agree to it and suck up how you feel, or not and she will have to suck up how she feels, or you can end the relationship. Private time is one of the most important things... actually, there is really no point I can see, for the long haul, that would make a dynamic such as yours work any other way.

What I am suggesting is to take the emotion out of this and make it scheduled in time slots. The emotion can come during those time slots. That way, you can sort out your life and look forward to scheduled dates and so can they; no expectations, no assumptions; some time to sort stuff out personally and time to let nature unravel what will be.

I think one text a day is reasonable... that can be negotiated too. If they don't text and you want to say hi, text them! There is nothing more damaging that expecting texts and not getting them... you create your own drama with that one I think.
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  #37  
Old 09-16-2011, 03:28 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Polycouple......I was in a poly relationship for a short time with an established couple. It wasn't a triad in that he and I were a couple and he and she were a couple. She and I weren't. Anyhow, I moved to be closer to them and because I wanted to live in a warmer climate. I spent the first month living with them (as we had all agreed on ahead of time) to give me time to find my own place in the new area. (I had a job in the new area BEFORE I moved.) My new job was a little over an hour from where they lived. I found a place to rent and moved out at the end of one month. I chose to rent a place in the town where my new job was so I didn't have to commute so far.

He reassured me that while we certainly couldn't see each other everyday like when I was living with them, we could certainly touch base a few times a week. (I didn't come into the relationship as a "secondary". I had been clear I wanted to be another primary and he agreed with that.) Well that never happened after I moved out. In fact, I never saw him/them once a week much less more often. I missed them deeply. It was such a loss to have such closeness and then it was gone. They encouraged me to "find some of my own friends" where I moved to so I wouldn't be so lonely. The thing is.....I missed THEM!! They were my friends and he was my lover. They couldn't easily be replaced by others. (Now mind you....it wasn't just time alone with him I missed and wanted. I had spent time with them as a couple, with their extended family members, etc. I'm also very comfortable spending time in my own company.)

They continued to live together and going on with their lives, rarely taking my thoughts/feelings into consideration when plans were being made about how they would spend their time and other commitments they had made. Finally I told him I would like a commitment to seeing each other once a week in some capacity....he said he couldn't commit to that; It was too much pressure with all his other commitments. It hurt to lose him/them, especially after having experienced what it was like to be together on a daily basis.

Polycouple.....I'm right there with you in terms of the sense of loss and am sorry you're having to go through this. (The polycouple I was with weren't/aren't a married couple either. They had started out in a "V" with her in the middle with her husband and with our guy living together before I met them. Then her husband left and filed for divorce to be in a mono relationship.)

Last edited by dragonflysky; 09-16-2011 at 03:36 AM.
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