Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #221  
Old 09-12-2011, 08:31 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
Posts: 55
Default

Minxxa,

I really appreciate your perspective and self disclosures. I feel like such a phony saying this, but I am really sorry you went through being in Sarah's position.

I think you are right about the loss, and the need to be on my own and be ok with it. Not surprisingly, having them take a step back has brought up all kinds of hurt from my other breakup that I thought I had already gotten over. My past relationship was honest. We lived together for 7 years, and we had so many good times together. I broke up with him after trying to reignite the spark for two years. He is still in his PhD program. It became his main focus. He never mistreated me persay, but certainly took me for granted. I moved away for grad school. We would see one another one or two times ever couple of weeks. Sometimes he wouldn't even get up from his computer to say hello and give me a kiss. I felt soooo neglected emotionally and sexually. When Sarah and Paul came around they were so available, attentive, expressive and loving. They filled that void, I guess. I got used to it. I let me guard down.

Now that they have stepped back I think I am reliving some of the feelings of neglect and loss that I felt when my fiance started to be so unavailable. I never made this connection so clearly until now. Thank you for being so helpful! My crazy emotions are making a whole lot more sense now.
Reply With Quote
  #222  
Old 09-12-2011, 09:44 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,441
Default

Hmm, it is definitely a good thing to make this connection and become aware of what's underneath it all.

If I were you, I would look and see if you have a pattern or belief system that causes you to seek out people who will eventually neglect or ignore you. We all have scripts we follow, old tapes we play, subconsciously, and a lot of the time our own beliefs and attitudes become self-fulfilling prophecies. There may be a small voice inside you that says you don't deserve long-lasting love. Or there may be a part of you that sees a relationship is over but you lack the confidence to end it, so you let it fizzle out until you feel victimized and must leave. It could be any number of scenarios we believe about ourselves or what kinds of relationships we deserve and can have. If you see a pattern -- that is, when the dynamics of one relationship are strikingly similar or reminds you of others you've had before -- that's a good place to start looking. And if you find this to be the case, don't judge yourself about it. Just be aware of this way of operating and be on the lookout for it in future.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-12-2011 at 11:40 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #223  
Old 09-12-2011, 11:31 PM
JuliaGay's Avatar
JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Tacoma/Tucson (long story)
Posts: 75
Default

Hi, PC,

I don't have anything more to add here...you've gotten some good advice and input. I just wanted to encourage you to hang in there, keep going to therapy, consider what NYC said about patterns and tapes.

JG
__________________
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
....
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
Reply With Quote
  #224  
Old 09-13-2011, 03:33 AM
polycouple polycouple is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
Posts: 55
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JuliaGay View Post
Hi, PC,

I don't have anything more to add here...you've gotten some good advice and input. I just wanted to encourage you to hang in there, keep going to therapy, consider what NYC said about patterns and tapes.

JG
Thanks Julia! I appreciate it!
Reply With Quote
  #225  
Old 09-13-2011, 03:57 AM
polycouple polycouple is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
Posts: 55
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, it is definitely a good thing to make this connection and become aware of what's underneath it all.

If I were you, I would look and see if you have a pattern or belief system that causes you to seek out people who will eventually neglect or ignore you. We all have scripts we follow, old tapes we play, subconsciously, and a lot of the time our own beliefs and attitudes become self-fulfilling prophecies. There may be a small voice inside you that says you don't deserve long-lasting love. Or there may be a part of you that sees a relationship is over but you lack the confidence to end it, so you let it fizzle out until you feel victimized and must leave. It could be any number of scenarios we believe about ourselves or what kinds of relationships we deserve and can have. If you see a pattern -- that is, when the dynamics of one relationship are strikingly similar or reminds you of others you've had before -- that's a good place to start looking. And if you find this to be the case, don't judge yourself about it. Just be aware of this way of operating and be on the lookout for it in future.
I just brought this idea up in my last session! I don't date abusive individuals, though I have a pattern of going for emotionally unavailable individuals. This couple is the closest I have come to being with emotionally available peolpe, but by virtue of the fact that they are unfamiliar, and not fully clear about polyamory, they do not always apply their emotionally supportive behaviors to me, making them essentially emotionally unavailable to me.


They did come over tonight and I had a talk. Nothing was really resolved but concerns were aired. That at least helped my frame of mind, helped make me feel like I had a release. Sarah did say that her only problem was Tom and I being in love, which is a HUGE problem!
She wants to be with me, she just doesn't want Tom and I to love one another...I have no clue where this is going. Like always she said she would think about it, and have more ideas about where she wants things to go at some later date. She just never follows through with this claim. The biggest challenge is conveying an emotionally detached, and non-judgemental frame of mind with her, because on the one hand I know she is sensitive and I don't want to be emotionally manipulative, but on the other hand I am flat out hurt by her not wanting us to be in love, and not taking any time out of the last 8 months to be ok with it.
Reply With Quote
  #226  
Old 09-13-2011, 04:07 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,270
Default

Her not wanting you and Tom to be in love is kind of irrelevant at this point, isn't it? You're already in love. She can not want it all she likes, but it's too late. The question is, will she deal with it or not? If the answer continues to be not, you're just going to keep hurting and this won't be able to go on in anything like a healthy fashion.

Maybe you guys can set a hard deadline. Like, a month. Either she decides she's ok with the way things are, and opens up to it (which means allowing the two of you to express your feelings and act like loving individuals... with boundaries that respect their relationship if needed, certainly, but with couple time for you and he as well), or she's not and she has to realize that means letting you go.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #227  
Old 09-13-2011, 04:31 AM
Senga's Avatar
Senga Senga is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Buffalo NY, willing to relocate
Posts: 99
Default :)

When something is not going my way, yes, I do 'state that I am not happy with the situation'. But I have been practicing a technique recently that is supposed to increase my motivation & others. After stating the problem, I proceed to 'explain what I would like to do or what I would like to happen' in order to fix the situation, or make me feel better.

Offering up possible solutions is often better than simply complaining about the problem.

Good luck
Reply With Quote
  #228  
Old 09-13-2011, 01:52 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

I'm going to guess that the reason she is so concerned with you and him being in love is because she (and he, and they together) have NOT fully worked through the past loss of trust issue. He lied and cheated on her with other people, and in some place she "accepted" that's what he needed and has opened up the possibility of him having that in their life to keep her family intact. But moving from that to really being able to accept him loving another are two completely different things. She might very well not be poly, but be "accepting" that this is what he needs to do.

When you don't fully trust your partner, don't feel that they've made you a priority (not the only one, just A priority), and are not getting your needs met-- it is VERY difficult to then be open and loving and accepting of them doing these things for somebody else. And after infidelity (and that's what it was as they weren't poly when he was out running around and lying to her), it takes quite a bit of work and effort to rebuild that trust before the relationship can heal.

And you can "intellectually" think that poly seems to make sense and is what you want, but if you're not emotionally together and healthy you're going to find the hurdles and issues that get pulled out a lot harder to get over.

To me this seems like another case of a couple NOT getting their shit together before dragging somebody else into the mix. And unfortunately, not only does the couple suffer, but the individual that has come into the situation usually gets a lot of drama and/or the short end of the stick. :-/
Reply With Quote
  #229  
Old 09-13-2011, 10:29 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
Posts: 55
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I'm going to guess that the reason she is so concerned with you and him being in love is because she (and he, and they together) have NOT fully worked through the past loss of trust issue. He lied and cheated on her with other people, and in some place she "accepted" that's what he needed and has opened up the possibility of him having that in their life to keep her family intact. But moving from that to really being able to accept him loving another are two completely different things. She might very well not be poly, but be "accepting" that this is what he needs to do.

When you don't fully trust your partner, don't feel that they've made you a priority (not the only one, just A priority), and are not getting your needs met-- it is VERY difficult to then be open and loving and accepting of them doing these things for somebody else. And after infidelity (and that's what it was as they weren't poly when he was out running around and lying to her), it takes quite a bit of work and effort to rebuild that trust before the relationship can heal.

And you can "intellectually" think that poly seems to make sense and is what you want, but if you're not emotionally together and healthy you're going to find the hurdles and issues that get pulled out a lot harder to get over.

To me this seems like another case of a couple NOT getting their shit together before dragging somebody else into the mix. And unfortunately, not only does the couple suffer, but the individual that has come into the situation usually gets a lot of drama and/or the short end of the stick. :-/
Very true all a lot of fronts. Thanks once again for the very thoughtful comments!

Just to be clear though, Tom was unfaithful to his ex-wife, not Sarah.

Also, not that this makes a significant difference, but they are not married.
Reply With Quote
  #230  
Old 09-13-2011, 11:18 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
Posts: 55
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by polycouple View Post
Very true all a lot of fronts. Thanks once again for the very thoughtful comments!

Just to be clear though, Tom was unfaithful to his ex-wife, not Sarah.

Also, not that this makes a significant difference, but they are not married.
Actually, what am I saying!? He was unfaithful in the first three months of their relationship. He was still married and hadn't told her...though he claimed they were not intimate, but none-the-less that's a HUGE betrayal not to tell you're married. I would think five years would be enough to heal from that, though I have never experienced that kind of betrayal so what do I know....
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anxiety, boundaries, children, children and polyamory, co-dependence, co-dependency, communication, compromise, coupledom, dependancy, divorce, excuses, expectations, feeling ignored, foundations, introduction, justifications, lessons, limerence, long distance, mono / poly, mono/poly, new relationship energy, new to polamory, new to polyamory, nre, nre overflow, nre timescale, responsibilities, romantacies, secondaries, secondary, secondary feelings, separation anxiety, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:38 AM.