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  #21  
Old 09-12-2011, 04:10 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I just read the OP's other thread. I think the other posters are being a little harsh, polycouple. That's what we do here, tough love, and certainly it's better to be honest if a boundary was broken, but knowing the history of the situation doesn't change my take on it significantly (I assume you were sincere about your remorse and it didn't happen again, at least?).

If anything, my biggest new piece of advice based on reading your other thread is that I think y'all moved too fast. It's *hard* integrating a new person into an existing relationship, there are sooooo many dynamics to work out, and to so quickly start spending 5-6 nights a week with one of the members of the couple you're involved with... well, I can see how whiplash happened for the other member, and how things just didn't go smoothly, especially since it sounded like you guys prioritized sex over the hard work of talking out your feelings/fears/desires and figuring out a setup that would actually work for all involved.

Slowing down and more long, deep talks should have happened earlier. Hopefully it's not too late for them to happen now. Be brave. Equality is a great goal but it takes significant time. Are you interested in or "allowed" to date outside them?
Yea, I think people are being a little harsh too, but there is a lot of truth to some of it.

I think I am not suffering anymore than Sarah was when she had to go to work and experienced Tom and I together so much.

I do believe what Tom and I did was wrong and I wish we never had broken boundaries. We made the decision to stop a long time ago, and to keep it in the past. I know many of you will have a huge problem with that, and I understand why. It's dishonest. I know many of you will also believe that the relationship will never be genuine because of this, that I deserve all the bad things I have coming to me, and that I am a horrible, terrible person and give poly a bad name.

I've wondered if I am codependent, maybe I am. I also thought my feeling s are kind of natural since I went from seeing them every day, to seeing them a few times a week for much shorter spans of time. Isn't it natural to miss the peolpe you love when you don;t see them as much?

I also think part of my loneliness is due to suffering from my breakup with my fiance, who I was with for 9 years. We were poly, and broke up about three months into my relationship with Tom and Sarah.

I def think I need to date and continue to see friends outside of my relationship which is advice I headed from the last thread I posted. I am an introverted person so meeting and trying to build friendship is not always energizing, in fact sometimes its flat out exhausting. I am someone who really appreciates having a few very intimate and close friends and companions. Does that make me codependent?

I just miss Tom and Sarah so much....I guess no one really understands what a big difference 15 minutes makes when they were once 50 feet away. They have asked me to move in with them as a solution to all this. I don't think that is a good option considering what I have heard others on here have been through. Plus, I said I would need the boundaries to be different before moving in together. Plus, they have a cat and I am allergic, and I really appreciate my own space at the end of the day. We sometimes fantasize about building an in law apartment...some day if the relationship continues that might be a good option. Of course, I have no idea where the job market will take me when I get my masters.

Anywho, I really appreciate everyone reading my long winded posts, even those that give me "tough love," and even those that flat out criticize me. The guidance and support is most helpful to me, so thank you most of all to those who remain compassionate despite the things I am not proud of.
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  #22  
Old 09-12-2011, 04:24 PM
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I know you just said you weren't going to, but I feel the need to emphasize this... DO NOT. MOVE IN. WITH THEM. The fact they would suggest this highlights how new to poly they are. Greater proximity will greatly exacerbate whatever problems you're having now, it is in no way a solution.

Maybe you could find some articles, essays or other people's personal stories that resonate with your situation and ask them if they would read them. Their lack of understanding is natural but dangerous.

I think you're headed in a good direction with becoming more independent of them.

And as for the boundary breaking, if you're determined to leave it in the past then do so. Make sure you've really, really forgiven yourself and let it go. Not every secret *has* to be revealed. I have a strong policy of honesty, but I do believe that.
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  #23  
Old 09-12-2011, 04:32 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I do believe what Tom and I did was wrong and I wish we never had broken boundaries. We made the decision to stop a long time ago, and to keep it in the past. I know many of you will have a huge problem with that, and I understand why. It's dishonest. I know many of you will also believe that the relationship will never be genuine because of this, that I deserve all the bad things I have coming to me, and that I am a horrible, terrible person and give poly a bad name..
I can only speak for myself, in that we all do things that come back at us in some way. We all screw up, we all make mistakes. Nobody "deserves" bad shit to happen to them, sometimes it just does. But when we cause a situation by dishonesty and then it's not a positive situation--because it was dishonest-- that's not deserving something. That's consequences of actions. Maybe it's the mom in me, teaching my kids that when you do certain things you have to understand the consequences will come and they may not be nice. Doesn't mean they're bad people, just people that made a bad choice.

Still, it's not so much the mistakes we make, but how we act in the face of those mistakes. "Putting it in the past" was easier for the two of you, so that's what you did. And I do understand wanting to do that-- I truly do. I just think too often people do the easy thing instead of the right thing.

And I will say I am SUPER sensitive to this type of issue because I have been Sarah. So it is very personal to me, and I am sure that I sound (and am) very harsh about it. To me, honesty and trust is the basis of any friendship or relationship and without that, everything else is worthless and fake.

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I also think part of my loneliness is due to suffering from my breakup with my fiance, who I was with for 9 years. We were poly, and broke up about three months into my relationship with Tom and Sarah.
It sounds like you have had a lot of loss lately. Maybe it's time to sit and figure out what that loss meant to you, and what you can do for yourself to get a bit more comfortable with some alone time to heal. Perhaps you clung onto them when you lost your fiance, and in all honesty you haven't really dealt with that loss at all yet, so the "loss" of so much time with them that was helping you NOT feel loss seems so much worse.

I've had to do a lot of looking at myself lately in the same arena-- in dealing with feelings that I've been burying or ignoring for a long time, in learning how to spend time alone again, and in finding a complete life by myself that I share with somebody instead of trying to make someone else my whole life. And I'm an introvert, too-- I get EXHAUSTED being social. And none of this is easy. Just something to think about, but maybe having a bit more time away from them will end up being a good thing that allows you to get more in tune with what you need from yourself-- and helps you bring a better you to the relationship.
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  #24  
Old 09-12-2011, 08:31 PM
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Minxxa,

I really appreciate your perspective and self disclosures. I feel like such a phony saying this, but I am really sorry you went through being in Sarah's position.

I think you are right about the loss, and the need to be on my own and be ok with it. Not surprisingly, having them take a step back has brought up all kinds of hurt from my other breakup that I thought I had already gotten over. My past relationship was honest. We lived together for 7 years, and we had so many good times together. I broke up with him after trying to reignite the spark for two years. He is still in his PhD program. It became his main focus. He never mistreated me persay, but certainly took me for granted. I moved away for grad school. We would see one another one or two times ever couple of weeks. Sometimes he wouldn't even get up from his computer to say hello and give me a kiss. I felt soooo neglected emotionally and sexually. When Sarah and Paul came around they were so available, attentive, expressive and loving. They filled that void, I guess. I got used to it. I let me guard down.

Now that they have stepped back I think I am reliving some of the feelings of neglect and loss that I felt when my fiance started to be so unavailable. I never made this connection so clearly until now. Thank you for being so helpful! My crazy emotions are making a whole lot more sense now.
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  #25  
Old 09-12-2011, 09:44 PM
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Hmm, it is definitely a good thing to make this connection and become aware of what's underneath it all.

If I were you, I would look and see if you have a pattern or belief system that causes you to seek out people who will eventually neglect or ignore you. We all have scripts we follow, old tapes we play, subconsciously, and a lot of the time our own beliefs and attitudes become self-fulfilling prophecies. There may be a small voice inside you that says you don't deserve long-lasting love. Or there may be a part of you that sees a relationship is over but you lack the confidence to end it, so you let it fizzle out until you feel victimized and must leave. It could be any number of scenarios we believe about ourselves or what kinds of relationships we deserve and can have. If you see a pattern -- that is, when the dynamics of one relationship are strikingly similar or reminds you of others you've had before -- that's a good place to start looking. And if you find this to be the case, don't judge yourself about it. Just be aware of this way of operating and be on the lookout for it in future.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-12-2011 at 11:40 PM.
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  #26  
Old 09-12-2011, 11:31 PM
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Hi, PC,

I don't have anything more to add here...you've gotten some good advice and input. I just wanted to encourage you to hang in there, keep going to therapy, consider what NYC said about patterns and tapes.

JG
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  #27  
Old 09-13-2011, 03:33 AM
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Hi, PC,

I don't have anything more to add here...you've gotten some good advice and input. I just wanted to encourage you to hang in there, keep going to therapy, consider what NYC said about patterns and tapes.

JG
Thanks Julia! I appreciate it!
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  #28  
Old 09-13-2011, 03:57 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, it is definitely a good thing to make this connection and become aware of what's underneath it all.

If I were you, I would look and see if you have a pattern or belief system that causes you to seek out people who will eventually neglect or ignore you. We all have scripts we follow, old tapes we play, subconsciously, and a lot of the time our own beliefs and attitudes become self-fulfilling prophecies. There may be a small voice inside you that says you don't deserve long-lasting love. Or there may be a part of you that sees a relationship is over but you lack the confidence to end it, so you let it fizzle out until you feel victimized and must leave. It could be any number of scenarios we believe about ourselves or what kinds of relationships we deserve and can have. If you see a pattern -- that is, when the dynamics of one relationship are strikingly similar or reminds you of others you've had before -- that's a good place to start looking. And if you find this to be the case, don't judge yourself about it. Just be aware of this way of operating and be on the lookout for it in future.
I just brought this idea up in my last session! I don't date abusive individuals, though I have a pattern of going for emotionally unavailable individuals. This couple is the closest I have come to being with emotionally available peolpe, but by virtue of the fact that they are unfamiliar, and not fully clear about polyamory, they do not always apply their emotionally supportive behaviors to me, making them essentially emotionally unavailable to me.


They did come over tonight and I had a talk. Nothing was really resolved but concerns were aired. That at least helped my frame of mind, helped make me feel like I had a release. Sarah did say that her only problem was Tom and I being in love, which is a HUGE problem!
She wants to be with me, she just doesn't want Tom and I to love one another...I have no clue where this is going. Like always she said she would think about it, and have more ideas about where she wants things to go at some later date. She just never follows through with this claim. The biggest challenge is conveying an emotionally detached, and non-judgemental frame of mind with her, because on the one hand I know she is sensitive and I don't want to be emotionally manipulative, but on the other hand I am flat out hurt by her not wanting us to be in love, and not taking any time out of the last 8 months to be ok with it.
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  #29  
Old 09-13-2011, 04:07 AM
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Her not wanting you and Tom to be in love is kind of irrelevant at this point, isn't it? You're already in love. She can not want it all she likes, but it's too late. The question is, will she deal with it or not? If the answer continues to be not, you're just going to keep hurting and this won't be able to go on in anything like a healthy fashion.

Maybe you guys can set a hard deadline. Like, a month. Either she decides she's ok with the way things are, and opens up to it (which means allowing the two of you to express your feelings and act like loving individuals... with boundaries that respect their relationship if needed, certainly, but with couple time for you and he as well), or she's not and she has to realize that means letting you go.
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  #30  
Old 09-13-2011, 04:31 AM
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Senga Senga is offline
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When something is not going my way, yes, I do 'state that I am not happy with the situation'. But I have been practicing a technique recently that is supposed to increase my motivation & others. After stating the problem, I proceed to 'explain what I would like to do or what I would like to happen' in order to fix the situation, or make me feel better.

Offering up possible solutions is often better than simply complaining about the problem.

Good luck
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